spectating participant

Dealing with an upset stomach is the worse. Seems even more annoying when it is just mild enough to be present but not enough to really impair with my daily tasks. It just makes it to where I don’t want to eat and to where I can barely eat anything. It’s a bit silly that I’ve agreed to go have lunch with friends, at a buffet no less, and I know that I will barely eat 1/2 a cup worth of food.

The other interesting part is that I’ve managed to lose about 11 pounds in the past couple weeks. I haven’t been trying and I’ve actually lost the weight since I stopped biking (due to the ankle injury that is just finally getting good enough to bike on). So, starting off down 11 pounds without trying makes not wanting to eat a little nervousome. Of course, it is also a known side effect of the new medication I started, so I’ll have to keep watch that I keep my vitamin, nutrient, and calorie intake up high enough even if I’m not eating much.

Oooh, just went to lunch with some friends and managed to eat plenty. Perhaps I just needed some good indian food. However, my tummy is protesting loudly. Maybe a nap will help, oh so nice to be able to say an act on that thought.

I had a presentation to do today in my Archaeology class. I was well prepared for it and confident that I would do a good job, but it still manged to fill my morning with nervous energy. The presentation went very well, I was the first person in the class to present and am very happy that it is done. So, other than studying for the final, I’m finished with that class for the semester.

My architecture class had an unannouced presentation needed. We turned in one of the largest assignments of the semester and the TA decided we should do a 3-5 minute presentation about our designs. I was pretty pissed about that since I’d just started calming down from presenting only 15 inutes prior to that. Oh well, what can you do?

I’ve been having some [mental issues|bipolar disorder] lately and so my doc has decided to tinker with my meds a little more. It always makes me nervous when new drugs are added or changed, but at this point, I’m willing to deal with whatever side effects there might be.

So, I was already taking [Lamictal] and [Lithium|lithium carbonate]. He has added [Topamax], another drug like lamictal, and for a short time he has added the antipsychotic [Abilify] which was his alternative to [Zyprexa]. The Abilify had the same side effects as the zyprexa that I was trying to avoid. But right now, I still feel like I have to do something to stop my mind a bit. Maybe taking it without the two glasses of wine I had last night might help.

One of the major concerns I have is about all the comments I’ve read about [Topamax] causing cognitve slowing as a common side effect. With finals only 2 weeks away, now is not the time for my brain to take a vacation. However, with the current mental condition, not taking it isn’t any better. I have to be able to get to class and actually pay attention instead of just letting it be time that is passing. Hopefully it will help. I’m starting it really slowly and it just might mean that I have to take the Abillify or Zyprexa a little longer until it can kick in a little.

So, lots of nervous steps being taken today. But I made it through the presentations and even made it through a shopping trip with Megan. Of course, all of that wiped me out by the afternoon and I slept for about 4 hours. But, sleep isn’t a bad thing these days. It has been so hard to get that I’ll take it whenever I can.

Tomorrow is another day full of classes and therapy appointments. The group therapy will probably be difficult because one of the members killed himself last week and this is our first time to meet since most of us heard the news.

It looks like we are skipping thanksgiving this year. well, not completely; we will be going to Dave’s house for a thanksgiving brunch, typical breakfast fare. And then, thats it. No turkey, no dressing, no pumpkin pie. I think I will survive.

I wanted to cook dinner this year, but I didn’t feel motivated enough to endure the supermarket the night before the big day. of course, a little pre-planning would have avoided that, but when have I had time for pre-planning lately?

nope, I’m flying by the seat of my pants on everything. running off on tangents that might be best left alone, but damn I’m glad that I finally said a few things that had been rattling around in my brain for a while. it sucks when you get stuck on one mental track and can’t get out of it. so, i threw it all out in the air, it may have been a stupid mistake, but at least I’m getting a break from the mental torment for a while.

speaking of tangents… yes, I’m gonna miss having some of the tasty dishes I typically prepare, but I will survive. And, there is always next year. And who knows, maybe the beach house on Dauphin Island will have been repaired from the hurricane damage by then and no other hurricanes will have come through. Could be fun to actually go on vacation over the turkey holiday.

argh! yes, I’ve been in the middle of moving for a couple weeks now and it hasn’t changed yet. I’m getting antsy and tired of everything being all out of place. Mark and Megan are running off tomorrow for their Thanksgiving vacation. However, Megan was insistent that they get started on moving the office into the library so that alex could have her room (or part of it). Sigh, so now everything is all apart, it doesn’t feel like this was really considered or planned out, so the stress is getting to me even as I try to avoid everything in my room.

I’d probably be more egar to help if I thought that there was a plan of action in place (or if I didn’t have a major paper due tomorrow–which I’m still avoiding). Instead, when it’s just a major push from one space into another, without clarity that everything has a space, then I’m not so eagar to gget left holding something that has no place. Add too everything that Thanksgiving brunch at Dave and Steph’s might get moved to here to accomodate the many people. That’ll be stressful if everything is all out of place.

Sigh, not really complaining, it is just adding to the overwhelming feelings that I’ve been having lately. So much going on, so much out of my control.

Art-o-matic is so inspiring. Artists making art, simple and clear. I couldn’t wait to get home and start making things. Yay. Stayed out later than I usually do. Then, I realized that if you distract the driver enough, you just might end up in downtown baltimore. bwahahah! mmmm.

I’ve been rebuilding my wardrobe. I cleared almost everything out in this last move, tired of hanging on to things that I never wear and that don’t actually fit. I also wanted to get out of the jeans and ultra casual clothes that I’ve been wearing for so long now. So, i picked up a few nice shirts and skirts, along with a pair of new boots (mmmm). Almost bought a long jacket just to go with the short skirt but talked myself out of it. I don’t think I’m quite done shopping yet, but got a good majority of it done.

The more tiring part of the day waas getting lost in rockville on my way to [g street fabrics]. I called them yesterday to find out if they had buttonhole elastic. The woman said they did, in 3 different colors too. So, since I need some socck garters still, I went out of my way to pick it up. What should have taken no more than 45 minutes too 1.5 hours. And then I get there and am told that yes, they carry it, but they don’t have any on hand right now. Bah! So, that kinda threw off the new-clothes-buzz. I then got lost again trying to get home by being too hungry and spacey and totally missing the fact that I took the wrong exit.

Oh well, I think i will try on an outfit and maybe we could even go out for dinner or something if I get all dressed up with no where to go. ;)

today was one. I did not get back to college park for class, and should be tarred and feathered for that. however, instead I spent the entire morning tackling my budget. it seems that I have an odd way of arranging numbers, or so I am told. Mark was helping me make sure that numbers were adding up right and suggested I improve my system. So, I rearranged how everything was laid out and budgeted which threw all sorts of things off.

I was working on figuring out what my monthly income will be and how much money I should have in the bank based on that income amount from September to November, minus all monies spent. Now, for some reason, that sounds like it would be very straight forward to do. But not when the previous income amount was different since I had arranged the numbers differently.

the new system makes more sense, it covers the entire year instead of just october - june. so, now I know that I can pay all of my bills for the year and not have to worry too much about what I am going to do this summer. And, since I’m planning on backpacking around asia or taking a year to study abroad, it’s nice knowing that everything is already taken care of. ah, deep sigh. if only I’d been able to develop a budget like this before, i could have been saving so much money.

in addition to getting my budget to add up right, i also moved lots of things into the new room. it looks a lot like me now, my own space! it is just so exciting. i have some comfy places to sit in order to be inviting to get other people to stop in and visit me. I have my books in the bookshelf and most of my crafts and artsy stuff esaily acessible. aww, it is just so nice to have so much space again.

and, it’s a house that is totally kid friendly. so, if / when alex goes back to public school, we can have a slumber party to help her make some new friends. oh what fun it will be! and then pool partys in the summer, oh la la. guess it is about time for a dinner party, should check the calendar and invite some friends… oh wait, it’s been a while since the last sushi party….

oh what a good day. ah, and one more thing, dave got back from paris today and it’s a pseudo anniversary as well. since it’s hard to put actual date on things, this was a fairly special day a year ago and it’s the one I’m going with. I had all this special stuff thought up, but since I’m still off in my own little space and he was just getting back in town, it was addressed with a short and sweet email. maybe I’ll see him in a few days and catch up with a kiss or two.

I got all of my stuff out of casa del Portuguese! Moving went pretty smoothly. And even though I wasn’t fully ready to move, we still got everything rounded up and in the trucks without too much hassel. The biggest hassel was Alex’s bed, as always. However, since the truck had the space, we were able to leave the two end pieces in tact and move the bed mostly assembled. That will make putting the bed back together much easier.

Alex’s room isn’t quite ready yet, so all of her still will be scattered about the house until we can get the office moved/cleaned. I think that’ll actually be more of a challenege that what everyone is thinking it will be. Once the office is moved, I’ll have my own room and Alex will too, yay!

Well, I need to get some breakfast and get running to class. I’m moving just a little slow today. My body is still protesting from all the moving this weekend. Good thing my ankle is mostly better, just a little pain with the swelling and multicolors.

so, when I sent it in, I didn’t worry too much about losing data cause I was pretty certain that it was not a hard drive problem. of course, when I got it back with a brand new harddrive I was surprised and dissapointed.

now, after using it for less than 2 hours, the problem returned. obviously, was not the hard drive. so, yay for the amazing turn around time in getting it back to me, but I’ll be driving back to the apple store (the closer one this time) and giving it back for them to try again.

of course, would be nice if the problem would keep happening long enough to show it to them. oh well. i was thinking it’d be gone for two weeks and so it shouldn’t matter that I am about to send it back again.

and all brandnew. Well, new hard drive and fresh install. It is stressing me out even more beause everything is different. All of my settings are gone, and I doubt that I backed up things like bookmarks. Also, I know I did not back up the 17gig of music that I had. Oh well, guess that is my own dern fault.

Oh well, a fresh new computer is pretty cool too. So, I’ll survive now that I’ve gotten over the shock that everything is totally gone and I have to reinstall so much and restore so many files.

First: I gave my laptop over to apple so that they can fix the annoying popping sound. I hope that they can fix it, and I hope they can fix it soon. Bah, I’m going nuts not having all my files with me. Solution: just deal with it and hopefully it is a new, happier laptop when it gets back.

Second: I was supposed to move the majority of my stuff last weekend. That didn’t happen due to ankle. So, I have to move this weekend. Due to ankle stuff, I’m really far behind and it’s a little overwhelming. Solution: don’t worry about it until I can do something about it tomorrow.

Third: Ack! People are stressing me out. Solution: I have decided that I am in charge of keeping my emotional sanity in check and that everyone else will simply have to fend for themselves. I do not have the energy or the reserves to be able to help everyone else keep themselves in line. I’m off getting some self-reliance, please help yourself to some (of your own) too!

Before you start physically moving your stuff from one place to the next, take a few lessons in how to walk. Start with the basics; one foot in front of the other, without tripping. Once you’ve established a comfortable rhythm, practice walking up stairs, down stairs, along a slope, over curbs, on the sidewalk.

Don’t rush the first step. Once you are comfortable walking, grab an empty box and start over. Start small, just focus on being able to walk down a hallway or along a sidewalk. Once you gain confidence, try stepping off a curb or through a doorway. Again, do not rush. This process takes time.

Now, you’re almost ready to start moving. Leaving the empty box behind, walk along your moving route. Pay attention to any unstable points in the path or potential obstructions. Possible unstable points or obstructions: fallen leaves, damp grass, ridged moving truck ramps, mud, snow, ice, doormats, slippery rugs, pets, steps.

Now, you’re ready to start moving. Do a final trial run with your empty box, reevaluate any unsteady areas if you need to, and enjoy moving.

*Disclaimer: I am totally unqualified to give moving advice. Twice in my last three moves, I have managed to fall and sprain my ankle while carrying boxes. I offer this information for people who don’t want to miss out on a prescheduled moving date and who don’t want to be hobbling around on crutches for a week (especially for college students, like me, who do a lot of walking all day long). However, please use this advice at your own risk and following this advice does not offer any guarantee that you won’t injure yourself.

How many stories do we hear each week? How many stories do we tell? Good journalizers would tell a story with every entry. A complete tale with each entry, that if taken out of context, would still provide a complete thought. I’ve fallen behind on storytelling, my entries are snippets of thoughts rambled off in moments stolen from life.

I can say that will change, that’ll I bring life back to my comments, but that would be an empty promise because I have nothing to support such a decision. Right now, I feel like I’ll be moving back into my life, back into the active role that I used to play, and that by moving back into myself, my stories will return. But, sitting on the edge of such a new thought, an emerging idea, I have to recognize that lots of these ideas wither away as life tangles me up again.

I’m sitting at the easel, a partially completed canvas that has been waiting for me ton continue, is reminding me of all the things that I want to be, what I want in my life, what I want to be doing. There have been situations that have pulled me away from the brushes and paints of ambition and tied me to a fraction of life. A place where I moved into a space that wasn’t quite ready for me, nor me for it, and I held on hoping that I would be able to find a new medium to create with. But it wasn’t and isn’t time for that. I need to categorize and consider how I pull the easel back into my life, work on it, work on me, and still find ways to incorporate the activities that have filled my days and weeks these past few months.

I am moving into the spa; I have my own room again. And this will be the first time that I have ever had a space that is completely my own (well, since I was 12). Alex will get her space in another room, I won’t have to share or find space for the messes she makes. My space will not include a walkway into another space, no one to walk in if I don’t want them to, nothing to stop me from establishing a place that is 100% me.

It is in a house where I know that I am welcomed and wanted. I can be in any part of it and not feel that I’m an outsider or that any part of it isn’t mine. It is a home, a home with room for me and space for me to pull the canvas back out and pick up where I left off. Right now I’m pulling out the brushes and paints, reorganizing where everything goes and figure out just where I left off.

I’d love to tell of the ideas that are flowing, of the plans that are being developed. But, that will wait for when I have another story to tell.

well, it ain’t time to gobble the bird just yet. I was actually sitting here pouring out a steady stream of conciousness about educational philosophy and how I don’t know shit about how education should look or work. Kinda scary considering that I’m in the middle of teaching two girls. How many teachers walk into their classroom each morning thinging “I have no clue what I am doing”? Is it just the new teachers that feel like they haven’t gotten their feet wet enough before being thrown to the wolves?

So, yeah, I’m not sure I’m doing anything right or acceptable. I’m guessing that I’m still doing better than the public school option here, but is that enough? No, not really. Of course, we’re still getting started. We’re getting settled into schedules, figuring out what is working, what is not working, and adjusting and moving on from there. So, I will continue wading in the water, doing what I can.

We went to the zoo today. The real reason of the trip was so that I could complete a couple primate observations for my physical anthropology course. I was worried the girls would get annoyed at waiting on me to finish this time intensive task, but they enjoyed the opportunity to observe. Instead of giving the primates the typical five-minute-zoo-sampling observation, they watched the subtle interaction, asked questions about behaviors that would typically be missed in a walk-by viewing.

I was impressed with how much they seemed to get from that portion of the visit. After I finished my assignment, we walked about the zoo in search of some wolves, stumbling upon several neat exhibits along the way. We were exhausted by the time we headed back to Metro.

Luckily the trip home on the train gave us enough of a rest that we were able to bike home with no problem. I’m impressed with the biking the girls have been doing. Yesterday, after time got away from us before we were able to go to the National Building Museum, we went biking. The girls did almost 7 miles that afternoon. Today they did close to 5. The part I like most about getting the girls biking is that it put my total at 17 miles yesterday and 10 today. I’m amazed how many miles I can go in a week without feeling like I’m actually going anywhere at all.

Later today, I’m heading (back) to Judiciary Square to get (more) information for an architecture assignment. After spending the time doing that, I’m taking the alexii to the National Building Museum. There is an interesting exhibit on concrete that I think the girls might like. And if not, there are several other things happening that would be neat to see. We’re gonna start a new building project, inspired by the models I see all over the architecture building on campus. I’m really getting into this homeschooling stuff.

Wednesday we’re going to the zoo. I need to go watch primates for a school assignment. I think megan is going with us, yay!

The rest of the week and the weekend will be filled with more moving stuff. It’s not so stressful moving a little at a time. It removes that sudden explosion of boxes in both room. Instead, I get to slowly drain one room as the other one fills up with things already in their proper place. :)

I’m supposed to be doing homework. However, all week long I’e wanted to get over to Megan’s house and start getting my room organized, cleaned, and rearranged so that I can start moving into it. I’m hoping to avoid the boxed moving that I’ve done, since I’m over here often enough that I should just be able to bring enough stuff with me, each time, and I won’t need to box everything away.

of course, that means I have to make the space for everything. I didn’t realize how much of the room the girls had taken over and how much of their stuff is everywhere. Alex helped me out a great deal this morning getting it all in one neat pile, so I managed to sweep, mop, and rearrange half of the room. Now, it’s time to go through the stuff that is there, make neatly sorted piles of stuff that can be taken to somewhere else, and then work on cleaning the other half of the room.

This is gonna take a little more organizational thinking. This house is huge, but we’ve managed to slowly fill it up with people. I’m amazed at how it feels smaller and smaller every time I’m here. So, we need to figure out how to effectively use the remaining space so that everything has a place and everyone still has their own space.

If you’re sick, don’t push yourself too far. I did, I knew that I was doing it, and now I’m paying for it. Today is better than yesterday, but I’m still wary of over doing things today and ending up worse off again. So, today I’m taking it wasy again. I might stop over at my house and go through somme more paperwork, organize some more files, and decide the best method for packing up everything I own.

So much for not moving this year. I was working for a woman in Takoma Park but that didn’t work out. It seems that we both needed different things from the arrangements. After looking over my budget again, I came up with a dollar amount that I need to make each month. Turns out that is exactly how much I spend in rent and utilities each month. So, since I’m not really living at casa del Portuguese anymore, just using it for storage, I’m going to move out. I’ll put most of my stuff in storage, with the rest of the stuff I placed in storage at the beginning of the year, and move into Mark and Megan’s house. With this arrangement, I’ll actually be “home” fairly frequently. I’ll get my own room in a house that I already belong to and can call mine when I choose to.

I’m excited about this idea. Relieved that I won’t have to keep balancing school demands and homeschool demands with needing to work. I hope that I can get a little more on top of things at school and be more prepared for working with the girls. And I get to feel like I have a place in the world that I can actually stand to be in.

I’ll go do some more filing this afternoon. I’m getting all my paperwork where it needs to be. Tired of just having piles and piles of paperwork in boxes that I’ll never been able to find something if I need to. Also, there are some medical bills that claim to be unpaid and I’m trying to prove that I have paid them. Feel like I’m in the middle of a great stir of organization.

or so I hear. I find it amusing at how I’ve thought that after burns, and last fall I thought was the best. So, this one sure had potential for raising the bar. I tried to get a ticket last minute but couldn’t find one. Oh well, I was only going to go for Saturday. Instead, spent the day spending all the energy I had, plus a little more, having too much fun. So, certainly not a total waste of a pdf weekend. Then, we went to the corn maize on Sunday, got lost for a couple hours, and came home tired.

For me it was a pretty active week. I biked about 50-60 miles last week and was very active Saturday and Sunday. My body was a little tired yesterday morning on the way to school.

I’ve started a Monday yoga class. Yesterday I was running late and barely made it home in time to leave for the class. In the car on the way there, Dave and I decided that being so rushed and stressed was not the way to start yoga. So we headed over to Lake Artimesia and walked around and de-stressed before heading back to the house. We decided to go to the later class, a good compromise in my opinion. I’m still feeling the class this morning. I think I may have pushed the limits a little too far. Of course, I’ll still be biking to school in an hour, aching body and all.

My life has gone from fairly sedentary to very active. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and way quite happy to check the box ‘yes’ that asked if I had a regular exercise program. I bike about 6-10 miles a day (though I have a hard time figuring out how since campus is less than 2 miles away).

Tonight I’m taking the Alexi to a show on campus at 5:30. We’ll bike over, as long as Alex’s dad bring her bike back this morning. Not sure if I mentioned that the girls got their own bikes (with gears) last month. I still need to do a lesson on gear shifting with them so that they can bike a little more efficiently.

heh, wow, I sound like a sad college kid posting about stuff that is absolutely pointless to everyone. as if anyone cares about what I am or am not doing in school. oh well, my page, my space, take it or leave it.

didn’t do as good as I wanted to the tests, but not feeling too bad about them either. happy to finally feel like I am breathing again. and just in time to catch up this weekend. so much for my hiking idea.

sunday, we’re going to PA to go to some corn maze place. I’m looking forward to it. A weekend of doing something with Alex. Things are going really well with us, not as difficult as it was the months before she went to Oklahoma. I think the new schooling format is really helping with that.

the homeschooling still isn’t going the way I want. I’m starting to think that I should just do things the way that I want on the two days of a week that I have the girls. stop feeling trapped in the structure that everyone else is so attached too and actually do things!

wow, my car has a lot of miles on it.

As my car gets miles, I give miles to Dave’s bike today. My bike broke this weekend, bastard! I’ve been having gear shifting problem since I got the bike. Seems whatever was wrong, was really wrong Saturday. I managed to break the chain and discovered the front derailleur is bent and twisted. Joy! Now I need to get the parts ordered so I can get my bike back in order. In the mean time, I really enjoyed Dave’s bike; it has a really nice feel to it. SO, think he and I will trade off bikes from time to time (since he likes mine too).

Sunday, we went to Ren Fair. Saw my friend Magorn, who I used to visit in chicago all the time (and go have [lettuce wraps] with). It was a nice trip. In the end, my mom’s van had a flat tire. Since the ground was a little soft, we scavenged the van for something to support the jack on. And my mom points out that we can use the bible that was in the back of the car, a signature hallmark moment.

Of course, it turned out that we didn’t use the bible to support the jack. Instead, we ended up needing to call AAA for some additional help. :) We eventually got home. Still a good weekend.

Finally, I caught up on sleep. Got in bed about 7:30pm last night, determined to get rest and make sure Dave got some sleep too. His sleep for work (5am- 2pm) schedule gets thrown off pretty easily with normal life events. Add in trying to adjust a consistent food schedule to that, and he ends up living on a more independent timeline than the rest of us. I’ve adjusted my schedule to match his a bit more, going to bed at 8:30pm, most nights, and waking up at 5am.

The early morning hours are nice to have. I know that I can get a good amount of work and studying done before I have to wake up the girls or get ready for class. Of course, today I set the alarm for 8:00am, determined to catch up on sleep, and I feel great. There was no fidgeting and laying awake for hours this time, just warm, strong, comforted sleep.

It also really helped that Dave and I got to spend some time re-centering with each other. Our lives have been surrounded by a lot of stress right now, stress that has been present for more than 2 months and no termination date in site. Yesterday was a pretty difficult day for Dave, so being able to talk, reground, and snuggle set us both up for a good nights sleep.

Of course he teases when morning comes (4am for him) for being so “loud” (talkative). Seems to think I’m a freak for being awake so early. And the truth is, I am very awake at 4am, however I can’t get past the fact that it’s 4 in the morning so I normally sleep for one more hour so that it feels reasonable to get up.

This weekend’s plans aren’t set in stone yet, but it sounds like it should be nice. There is a moonlight bike ride around DC on Saturday. Not sure if I’ll make it to that or not, depends on what is happening with Alex. Also, Dave has been wanting to go to Ren Fest, so we need to try and get out there this weekend. And of course, study study study for the 2 midterms next week. Just in time to leave PDF weekend free, calm, and relaxed.

Yes, it is that time of the year again, getting ready for Playa del Fuego. And, I’ve got all my plans taken care of: I’m not going.

This will be my first one to miss since I started going. To keep with this trend, this Winter Solstice Burn will be my first to miss since it start and Burning Man 2005 will (most likely) be skipped next year. School comes first.

So, yay, I’ve managed to disperse 12 tickets to rangers and other volunteers who missed out on the original sales. I like that I feel like I’m at least contributing man hours to the event, sure would be more than I’d do if I was there.

So, instead of PDF, I plan to recover from 2 weeks of midterms and take Alex on a two day hike. Off to see if fall has hit anywhere in the state (or nearby states) yet and enjoy the, quiet, outdoors. Whoo! That sounds so nice right now.

My sleep solution didn’t work. I was up several times last night and then working on homework by 5am. Oh well. At least this is a disturbed sleep and not the kind where I have too much energy to sleep.

I’m falling in love with physical anthropology. It is just really neat, evolution and genetics, and all this really cool stuff. At first I was convinced I wouldn’t like it, that it would be tedious and boring. Not the case at all. Seems my archaeology class is covering the dull subjects I thought were included in physical anthropology. I want to study it further, but it means more science classes, which means more time committed to studying and learning something, not just reviewing.

That being said, took my midterm today. Not too sure on how I did. But I still like it regardless.

yay late nights! well, not really, but what difference does it make if I am happy about it or not. they say that if you have trouble sleeping, that after 20 minutes you should get up and do something, then go back to bed and try again. So, I’m doing something. I have a midterm tomorrow (well today actually) and need to do more studying. My alarm goes off in about 3 hours.

On a better note, my mom and alex went to [mount everest] yesterday and brought home leftovers that I got to eat. yummmy!

time to try some more sleep. hopefully I’m not back here in 20 minutes. :)

Sigh. I hate it when I can’t sleep. I hate it more when it’s two nights in a row. I think tonight I’ll have to find somewhere else to sleep so that sleep can happen. Bah, no energy. Have lots I need to do this morning, and just want to curl up and try to finally rest. I’m pretty sure that I could get some sleep down here on the couch, but then I won’t get this architecture project completed and then I won’t be doing good in school. Sigh, sleep is overrated I guess. Maybe tonight… after I work until too late, I’ll be able to.

In case I haven’t mentioned it lately. I love biking! Now, if I could just get my bike adjusted. It has been cranky this week and thats making me cranky. I did a through cleaning and lubing of it this weekend hoping that would help, but after riding up to REI (to exchange the two-week-old backpack I broke for a new non-broken one), it’s just as cranky as it was before.

I have a midterm in physical anthropology and am in over my head in genetics. I don’t have time to deal with a cranky bike.

Back to gene mutations….

I woke before morning’s breath had cast a hazy hue against the night sky. I watched to color seep across the sky, spreading further and further, a delicate periwinkle blue. Soon the sun will cross the horizon, bathing the room with light, and I’ll already be sitting here waiting.

I left work, last night, with a terrible headache. I stopped in the kitchen long enough to take something for it, checked email as fast as I could (wondering why I was even bothering), and tried to escape to sleep. The pain and pressure was interesting, in that strange masochist way. Lying on my side, I could feel the pressure trying to push out of my skull and seep down into the ground. I wanted to be able to split my head open enough to just let it go.

But I eventually managed to find sleep, after waiting and waiting for it to back off just a little. The dreams were intense, but that is no surprise lately. I woke up many times wondering what was actually happening. There was just enough reality injected into the absurd to force me to try and balance and reason.

Dreams have been a overwhelming lately. Some so full of emotion that I haven’t been able to go back to sleep, left wandering the house at 2:00 am. I woke before five this morning, content to lay in bed and piece back reality and confirm that nothing had actually happened since last night. But, I still feel off. Constantly off lately.

My mind has run away with ideas and possibilities and realistic realizations, stirring more stress into my dreams and the silent moments of day. I’m losing the ability to determine what is absurd and what is a real concern. So, now I’ll just wade through and hopefully things will improve before I must give up and walk away. I’ve past my tests of patience and must finally face the line of waiting for actualization of all the things I fear (and see no way of avoiding anymore) and when shuffling my feet is costing me too much. No wonder my dreams keep plaguing me as I try to escape in sleep.

Aww, pink ripples have joined the fading blue. good morning, starshine…

Listening to “A Thousand Miles” by [Beth Amsel].

Ahh! I’ve been attacked by comment spam on another one of my blogs. For some reason, I can’t seem to figure out the way that I full disabled it on this blog. My first simple attempt failed, my next more invasive attempt failed, my third “knock out any possible comment function” attempt better work!

Sigh, I’d delete the entire comment function if I didn’t use it for the homeschool discussion board. Stupid spam!

In other news: there is none, my life is boring (wheee!).

When my emotional world gets a little shaken and unstable, I can’t really get into writing; takes enough work to not turn into a whining, sniveling brat. Not sure things are really at that point right now, cause though many things feel a bit broken right now, they aren’t fully and time will still wash out what it will and whatever will be will be. que sera, sera.

So, when I look at the rest of life’s happenings there isn’t much to really share other than superficial details that are barely worth the blank space they fill. I have class M-F. I’m enjoying my classes a great deal so far. I’m keeping up on school work. Was happy to realize that I have an assignment due today, that I did on the weekend and it’s already in the folder and ready to be turned in. Same with the paper that is due tomorrow. Hopefully this will keep up.

This is the first day of homeschooling for the girls. My mom is in charge today. I hope to stay at school late to get even more caught up on school work. Just noticed that it is wet outside, wonder if I’m gonna like biking in the rain or not.

One of the major benefits to going back to school is that I will be biking everyday. Now, I’m sure that this a great opportunity for someone used to biking. And, although I bought my bike earlier this year and have done a couple long rides in the past year, I’m still not comfortable on my bike. It still scares the crap out of me, and this morning, for good reason.

Even though the concept of riding my bike on a crowded campus intimidates me, I slipped into my biking shoes and grabbed my bike. (The ride to school is not the problem, just the ride at school: winding between people, staying on the sidewalks, crossing at cross walks with fear that no one will stop.) And, sure enough, I hadn’t even made it 2 feet up the drive way before the wheels slipped out from under me and I feel into the concrete wall. Ouch!

So, this tells me, I’m not fit for biking. And I tell myself, suck it up and get to school. I’m sure that it’ll become easier the more often I do it. Or I sure hope that will be the case. But if not, well I guess I’ll just keep bloodying my knees and other parts until it is.