spectating participant

July 14, 2005

yes, everything is broken

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:28 pm

I thought that I would do this the nice and neat way. Making sure everything works and looks nice before bringing in the new, but I’m impatient. So, the world gets a broken site while I work on it. Mainly because I like to work on live pages so that I can see things as they are supposed to be. A fault of mine, I know, but that is just how it is going to be. So, the world will survive, I’m sure of it.

July 11, 2005

return from camp

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:15 pm

Alex and I made it home, a bit dirty, a lot tired, and greatly enriched for the experience. I now understand the magic and necessity of camp in a child’s life. For 2 weeks, the children had complete space to simply ‘be’. Games and silliness and childish enjoyment were the name of the game all day long. Even as they gathered for daily chores of kitchen cleanup, dishes, or bath house clean up, it was done with laughter and singing and such high energy that maintained that magical status. I was amazed at what I saw and at what camp means. Children need this and I know that Alex will go back again and again so that she can feel like she has complete ownership of space and time for at least 2 weeks a year.

The cooking was a lot harder than I expected it to be. There we 5 cooks and we cooked for about 130 people, campers and counselors. Breakfast and lunch was split into shifts of just 3 cooks, but dinner took all 5 of us to get it made. I worked and worked and worked last week. I’d find that I has been standing from 6am to 10pm when I’d finally head to my tent for some rest. When I wasn’t making a meal, I was doing some extra baking: making about 35 dozen cookies or 14 loaves of bread. The only draw back was that there was no space for the adults to escape the children (the counselors fall into the category and they too enjoy the magic of camp, except a summer long period of it). Next year I will be more prepared.

So, I’m home and finally feel rested. I’ve had so many moments of insight and inspiration for writing, but no real chance to sit and get it out of my head that they have fallen away. The week in the woods atop the “mountain” was wonderful and pulled so much out of me, but I have only the pebbled memories of imagination left to consider instead of actual words to lay out. So many times inspiration comes when I’m not where near anything to write, or not near my computer to type since writing by hand is physically uncomfortable, and I think I need a voice recorder to try and capture some of those moments.

July 2, 2005

a fine night out

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:47 am

Chris and I went out on a date last night since I’ll be out of town for a week. I got a little dressed up to which Chris got even more dressed up. He sure cleans up well. :) We made reservations at [Cafe de Paris] in [Columbia, MD]. It is a nice little place, we got a glass of wine at the bar as our table was readied for us, a nice shiraz for me and something french for chris. I’ll eventually learn wine and to remember the names, for now I’ll simply enjoy drinking it still.

The restaurant offers a special that include an appetizer, main course, and dessert. We got that but I was sad to hear that they had just sold out of the shrimp and scallop appetizer that I wanted, so I settled for a caesar salad–not much of a comparison, really. For the main course I got one of the chef’s specials, a fish dish that sounded so wonderful I couldn’t pass it up. Mostly impressive because I don’t really like fish but the description was amazing and Chris urged my desire to order it. I was not disappointed at all. Wow it was yummy. I wish I knew what kind of fish it was; it reminded me of a cross between salmon and tuna. Dessert was okay, creme brulee, but a little too crispy on top.

We had plans to go see a movie after dinner as well. However, halfway through dinner I finished my first glass of wine and instead of simply getting another glass we ordered a bottle of something very interesting, again I don’t recall the name. And, by the time we were done with that and all the food, a movie seemed like over kill on a wonderful evening.

So now, Chris has run off to VA to check out some machining machinery “for work” though I wouldn’t be surprised if something comes back for his workshop as well. It is kinda cute to see him talk about going, like kids going to a toy store. And he and his buddies were trying to get all coordinated to go together, so adorable. And now, I must finally pack for my trip and get on the road as well. I need to be there by 1:30 but I think I’ll aim for noon instead.

June 30, 2005

joy riding

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:33 pm

Went for a ride in the [unimog] today. thats about as exciting as it can get, can’t think of much to report that sounds neater than that today. well, gonna go make myself a chocolate malt in a minute, but the unimog still wins out as cooler.

June 26, 2005

settling in

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:45 pm

Alex is off to camp and I left feeling a little sad that I wouldn’t be there to see how it goes. I used to really want breaks from Alex, mostly due to feeling somewhat overwhelmed by our relationship that can be high tension at times. However, now I really want to be there and see what she is doing, watch how she approaches the world, and be waiting if she actually wants to talk. I get discouraged when she’d rather read a book than do something with me or when she drowns herself in her friends and I feel like I don’t exist anymore. But, I guess that is just growing up. I probably could have had all of the attention I now want and participation in her life before if I’d paid more attention and now it is too late. Well no, it is not too late. We’ve still have a lot of stuff that we can share, I just feel that we are starting to climb that hill where she’ll crest and begin defining herself in the next stage of growing up. It is something that is due to happen and should happen as part of growing up. Now I’ll just keep my eyes open to the opportunities that still exist and continue on from there.

I remember hearing people talk about how fast children grow. In some ways it is true, in the way that friday has arrived time and time again without us noticing monday-thursday of the week. But, in looking at the new baby in the house, still only a couple months old, their is an overall slowness to their growth. The stages move quickly and as the age increases the length of the stage also increases. So yes, that newborn baby will be up and walking and then talking in no time. But it takes years and years to get to the first time at sleepaway camp. It is not so much a mad dash that some people make it out to be, because it feels like it was ages since Alex was first learning to sit up. Those first years are a blurr, the drag race that people feel characterizes growing up. They move so fast because developmental milestones continue to occur right on top of one another. But then it slows down and your angel holds onto the childhood of playmates and school and riding bikes for a while.

I feel like time is moving by without me since I can’t recall what I’ve done during the past week to account for that time. But it also moves along slowly as Alex lingers a child. Her days continue to be defined by homework, chores, the opportunity to go swimming, and calling on friends to play. I know that this time will end, and while it feels soon, it is also months and years (i hope) away before adolescence and the teen years take over. And then starts the new stage, another one that will be passed by with flying weeks but also settle into a pattern and stability of the final years of childhood.

I will probably challenege this idea once I’ve reached the years of grandchildren and will think that it was a blink of time that my child/children were young, but in the moment of now, time is simply knocking at the door like the chime of the clock, a reminder, a marker, but still a long road in both directions.

June 24, 2005

packed and ready to go

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:51 pm

Alex goes to camp tomorrow, yay! Just found out that it is not the same camp that Alex is going to, what a shame. Especially since the girls are supposed to sleep on the same mattress and I was expecting to leave it for Alex, since Alex is going the two weeks following Alex’s two weeks. Sometimes, having one name for two people is confusing, however it never feels like it to me. Just when people give me odd looks when I talk about them do I notice it.

Bust with some PDF stuff right now, researching the merchant account options and a new web hosting company. [Rob|rob carlson] suggested one already, but I’m looking up drak.net that I’ve been happy with in the past. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something a little more concrete and ready to bring to the board.

June 17, 2005

summer’s beginning

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:15 am

nothing too exciting happening here. I haven’t ironed out the summer plans or summer rules for the house. feeling a lot better mood-wise but totally uninspired to take on the world of my room. Alex has had appointments today and yesterday making it easier to not think about what the summer routine should be like, but I’m starting to wonder if I should be doing something else. Well, what I really want to do is fix her hair, which I’m sure she’d rather I not do, so who knows where we’ll go with that. I bet it’d make her pretty mad if I asked her to take a shower, maybe if I offered the chance to watch a movie while I do her hair.. heh, bribery is sometimes the best choice.

Maybe we’ll see if Chris wants to do lunch today. I’m still liking this fellar quite a bit, he is really and truly a good guy and someone I can be happy for liking. I feel silly about it sometimes but that is a perfectly fine feeling to have. It just that I’ll see him walking by outside, heading up to bring the recycling containers back down the driveway, and be all smiley thinking about what a great guy he is. My mom was married to a really great guy once and in many ways Chris reminds me of him. Mostly I just hope that I won’t screw this one up as I have some in the past, but I also don’t think I will either. I seem to be lacking those silent warnings that linger under my breath like I have in the past. There lacks the internal compromises that I’ve been known to make as well. So, I look forward to seeing what happens.

June 15, 2005

xixstar renewed

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:46 am

Well, for some reason I logged into gregar today to check my mail. I’m not sure why since I had not logged in since some point last year. But there I found the notice that my domain name was going to expire on the 21st of this month. It seems I always find this out just weeks or day before it expires. So, it is renewed for another 5 years and hopefully I can keep better track of it this time. So, long live xixstar.

June 14, 2005

headaches and drugs

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:59 am

My head still hurts. These multi-day headaches really eat my energy. Megan asks why I don’t see a doctor about them and it is because I don’t want yet another drug-solution to a problem. It seems as though, in certain situations, people are not allowed to have personal preferences. As in, I really hate taking medication, regardless what it is but others seem to try and make me feel stupid for it. I do not like the idea of some chemical substance working through my body to some end. Yes, it prolly works and if it means the end to pain it should be a easy solutions. But I don’t want that solution and I will simply deal with the pain until something else, that doesn’t involve ingesting more serious chemicals, provides a solution. Because I really hate taking medications but I still take two daily is pretty much why taking anything else feels like more than I am willing to do. Now, I will take over the counter medications occasionally when I finally break down and decide some relief is needed. I don’t know why those get an occasional green light, and perhaps if there was already a migraine relief medication in my cabinet I might break down and take that. But, I’ll wait till I’m almost miserable first, which Megan doesn’t understand, which doesn’t make a lot of sense (I know) to her, but it is still the way I prefer to do things. And, my body, my choice–right?

June 13, 2005

gone and back again

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:31 am

so, i did go after all. I basically kept forcing myself to get up and get stuff together since time was moving so slowly and it would give me that opportunity to go if I wanted to. However, by the time we got in the car, I felt shocked that I’d gotten so into the pattern and rhythm of packing and had forgotten that I wanted to think through the idea a bit more. So, we’re driving towards 29, just minutes from the house, and I’m muttering to myself how I really don’t want to be going. But, we get there after a lot of fussing and way after dark. I’m pretty mad at being there because I wanted to stay in the motel in Cumberland that we stopped at, but was way too fussy and irritable to actually argue to stay, despire the fact that we drove all the way into town and I’d just stopped and checked vacancy and price for a room. But, Chris though a $100 for a night was a bit high, I didn’t care. I’d have paid almost anything to not be camping that night, but instead I just huffed and puffed back to the camp. Childish of me, of course.

So, I don’t know how much to say about the weekend. I can discuss the Friday night events that had me saying how cool the lightning show was from the tent up until I was being dripped on and falling into a miserable mess. And that was the weekend overall, period of fun and happiness and moments of dying for escape. It worked out okay, I could run away into my book when I needed too or take a walk when everything was too overwhelming. Alex had an amazing time and it was great watching everyone have fun. I got to play a new game that I plan to go and pick up today: [Jungle Speed].

We came home on Saturday night. I had a headache and was finally done with dealing with everything. Chris didn’t mine coming home and Alex did great, even though she was not happy about the idea. The headache still has not gone away, so I am glad we got home. Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I got some things done and we all went swimming in the afternoon for a couple hours. Then during dinner we all watched a movie together. I’m glad that Alex got to have fun even though we came home. I am feeling a little better but still somewhat overwhelmed by life in general. But, I think that is fading away now that this weekend is finally over.

Oh, Alex is excited because this is her last week of school. They go until Wednesday and then it is only a half day. Looks like summer is here.

June 10, 2005

weekend conflicts

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:03 pm

what I want to write worries me. i tell a lot of things here, but typically leave out a sometimes small/sometimes large chunk of my life. not quite sure why, guess i feel that it somehow protects me if i keep the broken part of my life separate. it has to do with the bipolar stuff, i manage another journal (well, manage used loosely since posting is once in a blue moon at best) regarding moods and emotions. and since i created that outlet for writing and also as a way to semi track my moods, though it would only be useful if i were to write consistently, for future reference. but, in doing so, i feel rather silenced here. how silly that my own designations creates feelings of restraint and discomfort. or maybe, it is simply my mood (at the moment, a reassurance that means nothing since i know that while these feeling will pass, they will also return again).

i am supposed to go camping, but i really don’t think i will actually make it. i don’t want to go and i don’t think i can stand being there either. of course, it could just be because my week has been going further and further downhill and putting up with people sounds like way too much work. and, on top of that, heading out to celebrate dave and steph getting married last december sounds much harder to do than i expected. i don’t know if this has anything to do with that and how things fell apart last year, but maybe it has. however, i’m sure it has something to do with the feelings of being all alone since i feel i no longer have the strong support from dave that i had for so long, nor the support from m&m since there is a new bundle of distraction in the house, and sadly chris really has no clue. i feel small and useless around him when i break, when i think the world has fallen apart around me, and when i want nothing more than to just not exist for a while. it is that feeling of being surrounded by people and loved ones and knowing that you are absolutely and completely alone.

so i called chris and suggested we not go this weekend. he seems reluctant about the idea and i understand. dave and steph stopped by and steph said something about seeing us in a few hours but i didn’t manage the “okay, sure” and ended up saying that i might not make it. i thought they’d already left before leaving my room, i didn’t want to say anything to them or end up in a situation like that. but, too late i guess. so now, i feel even more like shit for not wanting to go, so probably we go. so much for my better idea of staying home in a quite house and cleaning house and swimming this weekend. instead, go and pretend that everything is great and splendid and try to avoid them as much as possible. sigh.

June 9, 2005

books and movies

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:07 pm

I’m busy with drowning in other realities right now. I keep thinking I’ll pick up out of it soon and head back into the mess of my room and dig out the filthy kitchen floor at some point, but in the mean time I’m hiding in books and movies.

Currently reading: [The Time Traveler’s Wife] by [Audrey Niffenegger]. I am completely absorbed by this book which is good because it is one of the 7-day loan books from the library. I am also reading another book, [The Snow Fox] by [Susan Fromberg Schaffer]. This one isn’t hooking me in as fast at the Time Traveller book, but that is okay. It is my car book, so it can go slow and I won’t care. I got so tired of showing up places and having to wait and having nothing to read that I bought 3 books and stored them in the car for such situations.

Now, the movie list is pretty long. I’ve been watching about a movie a day lately, and it stems from my netflix subscription and the movies around the house. There have been good movies and crappy movies.

Today I watched [Hotel Rwanda] and it had a pretty powerful impact. That one is still stirring around in my head and my actually response prolly won’t flush itself out until about 3am (I haven’t been sleeping well lately). I’ve recently watched: [The Bourne Identity], [The Bourne Supremacy], [About a Boy], [Along Came Polly], [The House of Yes], [Jeffrey], [Tipping the Velvet], [A Fish Called Wanda], [America’s Sweethearts], [Himalaya], [Sophie’s Choice], [Camp], [Tempopo], and more. A lot of these are the crumbs from the M&m’s movie collection. I’ve seen almost all of their movies and am now just picking up things, regardless of interest, and watching them. I’ve seen a lot of crappy stuff recently because of this. I hope to get decent movie responses into [fishy] at some point soon, but this is just a starting point. At least I’ve a list that I can start from.

June 8, 2005

i’ve an awesome kid…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:31 pm

sometimes I think I forget just how amazing this kid of mine is. I don’t think about it for a while and then something gets me in a conversation about her and I rattle off a few things and think “Wow, what an awesome kid!” On #channel, I mentioned mowing the yard in large geometric patterns for Alex. She really likes mowing the lawn these days and I’ll certainly help facilitate that if I can (plus, the lawn was getting really out of hand). However, sometimes things can go a little too far.

Alex’s principal lives next door as a tenant of our neighbors. The neighbors graciously mowed our lawn a couple times recently, quite kind and generous of them. However, Alex did not take this so kindly, so she tells her principal to tell our neighbors to not mow our lawn without asking first (or so Alex tells me). And, we find out that the message has be relayed to the neighbors when Megan gets an email about what her “tenant’s daughter” had said, that they were to stay off the property. Megan kindly replied thanking them for mowing and tried to clear up some confusion and let them know that what Alex really wanted was to be able to mow the lawn again. The next day, Alex got a ride to school from the neighbor (due to unique circumstances where the neighbor picked her up at the bus stop and took her on into school). That evening, I mentioned to Alex that perhaps her phrasing wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, at which she rolled her eyes and whines “I know, I don’t want to talk about it again!” It seems that the neighbor clearly expressed her opinion about the matter on the way to school that morning. Overall, I find the entire situation amusing and the thought of a child asking people to not mow the lawn so that she can do it instead is precious.

Now, on a less confrontational topic, Alex was assigned to build an musical instrument for school. She decides to make a harp. So, I send her off to the workshop to see if Chris has any wood laying around she can use. When I show up down there, she’s selected 4 boards about 2.5 feet long each and is ready to drill holes and screw the corners together. There she is, wielding the drill and carefully placing holes and screws in just the right places. However, the electric screwdriver is a little too heavy for her to manage, so she hand screws in a few screws and Christ helps her with the others. And then, she wants to cut off of the wood that is sticking out and out comes the sawzall. There she is, working the sawzall, not cutting off any toes, nervous but still proceeding with instruction. And she ends up with a harp frame that she has created. The next day, she’s gathered up some of the eye screws I have left from PDF and has them all inserted in no time. Of course, we’ve not explained to her that her idea might not work without a box/chamber to echo the sound, but we’ll see how today goes and if she notices this issue and tries to troubleshoot it. Now, we need some sort of string material. All I have is metal wire, maybe that will work or maybe we’ll find some fishing line.

caught in wild

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:08 am

Limited light breaks through the piney leaves and tall weeds congregating outside my window. What was once the clear view of wintery trees and greylight mornings, is now glowing green and masked in shadows. The air is still and calm, sunlight dripping heavily on the towering weed on a marathon course to surpass the resident bush in height and stature. It is intimidating intruder with it sharp leaves and thorny protrusions from its ominous stalk. The grass stands talk next to it, motivated by it’s quick progress to the sky. I want to go and tear some of it back, to claim possession over my rooms dose of sunlight, but it warns me to stay put. It suggests, in a not so polite manner, that I am best suited here behind the glass, here among the cool breeze of the a/c, here where I’m powerless to nature. But I shall fight back, sneak out into the heat pouring down, and at least snap a photo it. Oh, but it betrays the lens, blending into its green camouflage and nearly invisible to the camera. So, I shall just sit here and wonder when I will venture out and hack it down. Plus, I notice the tulips have grown tall and soon will bloom, that I shall like to see without this piney beast stealing the show.

June 6, 2005

biking blues

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:38 am

I want my bike back. Yes, it has been broken since Novemberish, maybe Octoberish and I’m totally lame for still not fixing it. But, I had dave’s bike to borrow until I hurt my knee and then I moved out here, where there is no where to bike. But now, I need to get to the gym without paying for parking each time and I want my bike. I had high hopes of getting up early and getting it all fixed up this morning, but that didn’t happen unfortunately. I don’t quite understand the directions nor do I feel I have all the tools I need. So, I must must must take it to the bike shop this week. I’m done with not having a bike!

June 4, 2005


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:30 pm

I wanted to cook this summer and I’ve finally started. I’m making lamb souvlaki for gyros. I’ve made the tzaziki sauce and it is resting in the fridge as the flavors develop. This has been a lot of work but a lot of fun too. In an hour and a half, I can find out if I did a decent job or not. Of course, I’m using hte slightly modified method since I don’t have a spit and must cook in a oven. But, I hear the results are good with a few extra steps taken. Yay, hopefully it works out.

more feelings

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:13 pm

I’m feeling all alone again, left out and friendless. And, well, that isn’t that far from the truth and has been the same forever and ever. I have my friends, the ones that are arms-plus lengths away. No close friends and I’m sure it is more an issue on my part. I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t manage small talk, and I am always certain that people wish that I would just shut up and leave them alone. There is M&M and I like their company but they seem so distant lately and I’m pulling back as well. Not sure why, think it has something to do with the new little one in the house, but I’m not sure how that it causing things to be different. And well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Chris, but still need some friends of my own. Of course, I can say this all I want, over and over again as I do throughout the years, but until I figure out how to make it happen, then it won’t.

On the subject, got a random email inviting me out for coffee from a gal on one of the lists I’m on. I don’t know her at all, but we might still meet up some time (I’ve baltimore plans tomorrow) and chat over coffee/tea. Seems she is also a mom and likes crafting, so we’ll see. So, who knows, maybe I can make an effort here.

June 3, 2005

getting money matters in order

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:09 pm

Well, I’ve been hearing about how it is the time to consolidate student loans and I finally finished the process. I was all nervous about which org to select and how to go about it, but I am comfortable with my choices. I’m going with the federal direct consolidation method just because I trust them and have always had really good experiences dealing with them. Plus, it is easy to get information about my loans from them and I can remember who they are easily. Now my 6 student loans will be combined into one which should make things a whole lot easier for me to manage.

In other money matters, I’d received an invoice from Alex’s summer camp stating that I still owed them $660. Considering several payments had already been made, I was a bit shocked to see this. But, I called and it turns out that a few of the accounts, mine included, had an error in printing. Seems all the payments, other than the BYM scholarship ($75) were left off. So, good news is that all payments are accounted for and the final amount due is covered. For a moment I was in a panic because I added up what was left to be $410 and I was only planning to cover another $55. Then I remembered that my work grant credit for working there a week wasn’t added in yet. That was a relief and I was right in just needing to cover the last $55. That is now taken care of and once we go get some more camp gear, Alex will be all set for her first sleep-away camp. I’m excited for her.

June 2, 2005

catching up and reflection

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:45 pm

Alone in the house tonight, Alex went with Megan to see Alex’s gymnastic thing. Chris has his rifle club meeting tonight. Just me and a movie and lots of thoughts.

I keep going back to PDF, mostly due to stuff on lists and also actual events that I was involved in. This PDF I expected everything to break but I didn’t give energy to it and instead decided to pull through with the best that I could do. My therapist loves to remind me of my endless self-fulfilling prophecies, so I try to avoid that when I think of it. And I’m glad I didn’t walk through the gates waiting for everything to break. Instead, I was constantly amazed at the energy, the vibe, everything that I encounter, that I did not expect to see.

Everyone I met and talked to and hung out with were basically new people to me. Many had been to PDF before and for others it was their first time. I am normally so tied to being shy and so trapped, in a way, within my own preset circles of friends, that I don’t talk with new people or connect with them. This was what I needed. I needed to see that new people are not the enemy, that we can continue to grow and provide a great event to new and old people. I was happy to see that some people get it right off the bat and that others get it by the end of the weekend. Sometimes, after years of doing this, I forget what it was like the first time I showed up at a burn, the first sparks of energy I had, the way the whole world changed for me and how I suddenly knew that there were endless possibilities of creativeness out there.

But in all this happiness, there is one event that still makes me uncomfortable and reminds me that I am not ranger material, nor am I site contact material. I am not good when things crumble, I hide behind other people too much, and worry too much about everyone instead of just focusing on one issue. I can say that I kicked an issue sideways and let it remain at that, mentally wash my hand of the entire incident, but that isn’t an honest evaluation. I can honestly admit that it was way more complicated that I was able to fully handle on my own and I am glad others stepped up to the plate to help deal with it. I can’t say I was terribly pleased with the overall resolution, but it is one that I accepted at the time. And, had it gone the other way, I would have been just as uncomfortable and supportive of it then.

And now, as more information is reveal, more takes on one story, more statements made, it is really hard to not get pulled down by it. I understand that we are fallible and that we made the best decision based on the information that we had at the time. However, that information doesn’t help the fact that I know how distressing and upsetting this entire event is for the community as a whole and the people in general. I am not good with these situations, nor am I good at figuring out where to place these feelings and what exactly they are. It is really hard when, now with the new information and with the additional time to let this simmer, I wish that our actions had been different, that my actions had been different.

I still feel that the step we took, as a first step in resolution and not to imply it was to be the final or only step, was a valid and reasonable set of action. But it is so hard to accept that now, when new information has been provided that would have made a difference then. And, it is hard because I continue to hold responsibility for this, though I know that is not actually the case. Sigh, I’m dragging down with this, that inescapable feeling of having done wrong, having not lived up to expectations, of having upset people, of having disappointed. I continue to carry the energy of the community and the responses with me everywhere and haven’t been able to get out from under them. I will never ranger again, I have thought before that I was not cut out for it, and now I am reminded again that it is not the task for me. Though, does that also mean that I am not fit for serving on the board either?

I have extremely high expectations for PDF. I want to see it continue to grow in a positive manner. I feel that we need people who’ve been around for a while to remain in the folds to keep some ideas held fast. We’ve seen a great amount of change, in ideas, support, and people–which is a good thing– but I also feel that we lose some of our core values when it is a revolving door of planners and planning goals. I’ve got a lot to think about, a lot. I hope that I can back off from this situation somewhat, I may need a break from the lists for a little while, but I doubt that I will leave. I’ve too much invested in this community and this event to walk away now. Things happen, choices are made, sometimes they are right and sometimes they are not, but it is still part of growth, wether we want this kind of growth or not.

June 1, 2005

weed control

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:54 am

Weeds weeds everywhere. My room is a mess and the garage is filled with playa gear. I need to get on the ball organizing things and preparing a menu for grocery shopping. I’m looking forward to cooking again, but feel like I have all these steps in the way to getting started. Feeling a little slow and lazy lately too, hoping that will pass. It is summer for me, but it still just feels like a long weekend or like I am skipping class.

Oh, and that class I was hoping to get a C in, I got a B+! Whoot, sure pulls up the GPA for me. Good, good. Well, off to see if I can get moving or to continue passing the time. I really want to get some books to read from the library, it has been so long since I’ve read a book for fun.

May 31, 2005

returned, rested, reply

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:12 am

We got home from Playa del Fuego dead tired yesterday. Arrived in the middle of a rain storm. Crawl out of the truck, dug out the tarp, and just covered the bed of the truck, went inside, showered, and crawled in bed. Looks like I’ll be doing the unpacking this afternoon, body is still feeling the pull of the weekend.

So, in response to the weekend:

Best summary for me is a conversation with Jill. She wandered by and asked, “Isn’t this the best PDF ever?” To which I smiled and said no. “Oh, I’m sorry your not having a good time,” she responded. Oh no, I was having a fabulous time, it was nice and chill, great vibe, laid back, splendid. Just, not the best one ever, and exactly what I needed that weekend. My response in no way implies that it was not a truly fabulous weekend, because it sure was, great indeed.

So, I had a great time, the hammocks were great. The color cubes worked out once my design got a little bit of support. I learned several things for doing this again next time, like mark and measure and build in supports. The burn barrel looked awesome and attracted visitors just like I wished.

The liquid nitrogen was a blast. The ice cream, the thai tea flavor, was far more delish than I imagined. While we were making it, I was telling Chris that I would have selected a flavor a little easier to make (and that, of course, chris would have selected a flavor difficult to make). The compressing of the tea gunk was a chore, but ooooooh!!! so worth it. And thanks for Oryx for stopping by and coming up with another recipe, And! going to the store for all the ingredients for the chai tea ice cream batch. It was a hit.

Sunday night, we were sitting around the burn barrel trying to come up with something fun for the rest of the liquid nitrogen. Our pyro tricks with the liquid ozygen we pulled out of the air were a major dissapointment. Finally, we got to freezing alcohol. So, it was great to walk around, offering up frozen vodka spread on chocolate. We also dished up frozen peach schnapps spread on crackers once the chocolate was gone, and for the really hard core people or the ones just fascinated with the concept of frozen vodka, frozen vodka spread on crackers (disgusting, btw).

Met some great new people, had a blast hanging out with the same people, and just a wonderful time in all. Alex had a great time, free rein most of the weekend since she was running around with the GPS/FRS raido. Was sweet to be able and poll her location to find out where she was at the moment. Also, amusing to check out her raid about mid weekend since it was tracking her path everywhere she went and it was almost black with crisscrosses and movement. She was moving nonstop all weekend it seemed. Finally got to wrangle her back in for burn night and keep her with me for a while. having Christian to hang out with was a major plus for all the parent. Made out leashes a little shorter as well. Hopefully I won’t hear any reports of anyone being terrorized (perhaps too much) by Alex over the weekend. Tried to get her running around with me during the day, but she was always off and running to something new with more energy than I could muster up in the hot sunlight. I’m glad that she had a blast and was diligent about applying the sunscreen, she sure is a great kid!

Already excited about bringing and doing more next time. I think organizing space and offering up services is a great way to go. Wonderful time, and I have some pictures online soon. Ones Chris took, since I only pulled out my camera to get the lit burn barrel pics.

May 25, 2005

grades are in, well almost

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:02 am

FMST 330 A-
EDHD 306 A
EDPL 210 A
EDPL 338 A
ANTH 360 ?

I really don’t like that whole +/- system, because it is still 4 points regardless of the little sign. Oh well, can’t be upset about all the A’s. Really want to know what my ANTH grade will be though. Back to packing/organizing/running around with my head cut off.

May 24, 2005

time to start flying

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:12 am

Well, I’ve taken small break from the whole [FlyLady] thing and it is time to get back into gear. The most useful part of the whole system is the rationalie of, get up and do something right now. Of course, I just opened this browser window and haven’t actually gotten up yet, but I’m heading there. You gotta get fully dressed to shoes and will need to go shine the sink just to know that there is something fully tackled within the first 15 minutes of action. Then it is menu planning time, menus for the weekend, for next week. And packing list compilations. I sure wish I’d done what Dave has, a spreadsheet for packing for burning man that can easily be adjusted for pdf. Maybe this is the year to start that so I don’t have to keep thinking of what to bring each time. Okay, enough with updating and time to get shaking. Woot!!

Oh yeah, today’s to-do list also includes picking up the liquid nitrogen for making ice cream at pdf. woot!

May 23, 2005


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 5:42 pm

My fire barrel is complete. I meant to take pictures of the process, but once I remembered to pick up my camera, everything was finished. Sigh, oh well, maybe next time. I’m not sure how it will look overall, hopefully not too bad. I have some more ideas for another barrel, but will need a brand new barrel to work on. The rust causes some frustrations and design complications. If I want to get more intricate, I’ll need to be able to slice through everything a little easier.

May 21, 2005

one down, next to go

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:19 pm

With the semester finished, I’m now in full-on PDF mode. I thought I’d get a little downtime between both projects, but today was too nice of a day to miss out on being productive. I’ve cut the wood for all the vertical struts for the color boxes. I really need names for my projects, I also need a name for the camp as well. But all I come up with is really lame star titles. But, seems like Stop Trying And Rest might work out, but yeah, that is pretty lame too.

Bah, I’m not a camp, it is just my camp with a whole lot of real estate. Oh well, maybe something will come to me, maybe not. Either way, progress just the same. I need to go pick up some grommets and a grommet too, some ____ screws–keep forgetting what Chris keeps calling them, and some office materials to store away all of the school stuff. If I leave know, I know that I’ll be stopping out for dinner as well. Hmmm, really should be spending money on production and not consumption.

May 19, 2005

loose ends and impossibilities

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:58 am

Well, my productive semester has really paid off and not really paid off. Today I will put the finishing touches on two papers due this afternoon. Then tomorrow, I will somehow do my best to write a 25 page paper on topics I know very little about, especially seeing as how I just got some books from the UMBC library yesterday to flush out some details. So, all As and one F or something like it. Argh, I keep trying to not let that last grade really upset me, but not sure what to do about it either. I should have started on this project way sooner, but still don’t really understand it. Oh well, I’ll get by I’m sure. But, even if I get an F, I’ll still have over a 3.0 this semester, but that isn’t much consolation because I will have to take the class again since it is for my major.

May 17, 2005

productive morning

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:39 am

So, by 9am this morning I had gone to College Park, taken a Family Studies exam (am sure I scored enough to get an A in the class), had an interview for a part-time job, and scheduled another interview, different company, for Thursday at 6am. I really like this early morning stuff.

So, i”ve been throwing around that job idea and thinking that I just might make this work. I applied at UPS, which is more along the lines of the type of job I want to deal with right now. Plus, they have lots of benefits to part-time employees like tuition assistance and medical insurance. That would cut down on my tuition bill and provide us with a little extra cash on hand and more in the bank. My car isn’t dying nor is she acting poorly, but the reality is that she is getting old. It is time to start making sure I have something else-on hand, not on wait-to help out if she starts falling apart on me. Also, this savings thing is pretty nice and I’ve been doing pretty good at it and want to see it continue. So, I hope I get a job at UPS, otherwise I’ll consider an offer from the first place. Well, maybe I’ll consider it, think I already don’t want it. It working at Curves and boy that place is loud…

May 13, 2005

night cap

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:21 pm

The semester is over, other than those pesky final exams and last papers to turn in. However, the sitting through classes is finished and I’m ready for it. I’m also looking at getting a job this summer, not really sure why I feel like doing so, just that I don’t want to be sitting around the house. Plus, might be nice to actually have some money to actually do things. yeah, that would most certainly be nice.

just got an invoice from alex’s summer camp. it seems that they are lacking record of the two payments that I’ve made, the work grant (which they acknowledge could be missing), and the grant from our monthly meeting. Guess I’ll deal with that next week. hope this gets straightened out since it adds up to $605 of what I owe.

May 11, 2005

news to me

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:42 pm

Man kills family and then self.

First, things like this shouldn’t happen, but I don’t find them quite so surprising when they do. Maybe because I’ve had family members hold so family secrets pretty tightly leaving all of us totally unaware until post death secrets are revealed.

Sexy smell

Ooh, a study showing physiopsychological differences between sexual scent responses in gay and strait men. Who’d a thunk? Ha.

Psychosis or heart failure, take your pick

[Chlorpromazine] had the brand name of [Thorazine], [haloperidol] is [Haldol], and [pimozide] is [Orap], each are anti-psychotic drugs. Not a flavor that I’d ever be taking, I tend to stick with [aripiprazole]/[Abilify] or [olanzapine]/[Zyprexa], drugs that are so new (in my opinion) that it is really just russian roulette with your brain since there hasn’t been enough time and enough patients using these drugs to really know what the long term effects or unexpected side effects will be. But hey, walkin-talkin without the world swallowing you whole or your thoughts dribbling out of your ears is better than nothing (until we know what nothing turns out to be).

Naked Women

Well, not so naked it seems. This is just a blog article I stumbled upon (I’m building up my blog reading list in anticipation of having time to do so soon) and just felt like sharing this. I’m amazed at how clothed women are in the locker room. And, there is the issue of modesty and development. Growing up, I never really saw a naked woman except in magazines. I thought that what was in those nude magazines and in popular magazine was what women looked like and somehow, something was wrong with me because I had hair in places others didn’t, my breasts didn’t look he same as other womens, my body didn’t match the only examples I could find. And still, it is hard to realize that bodies come in so many shapes and formats and all sorts of things are normal, they’re just typically air brushed out and not talked about in print. Women should get naked, together, more.

May 9, 2005

feeling verbose

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:13 pm

maybe I’m feeling verbose because I have pages of pages-to-be-written sitting in front of me, but my mind keeps wandering back to some thoughts from earlier. I went to dinner with chris at a little italian place and had below average fettucini alfredo and a frozen cannoli. Was quite nice to have dinner together cause this a busy week for him at work and he knew he wouldn’t be home before 10pm tonight. We touched on this topic a little bit and it fleshed out a few more things for me.

i’m thinking more about the stigma associated with mental illnesses and also the current climate of the prozac nation. i have a psychiatrist that I don’t really feel is all that great over all but he gets the job done in the medication management and listens to his clients. However, I feel he is on that trigger-happy bandwagon to throw a diagnosis to anyone who walks into his office. I meet some of these people at our group therapy meetings and can’t help wondering where he comes up with his diagnosis bases. Some of these kids are just that, kids who are adjusting to the adult world, adjusting to college, and are dealing with breakups and disappointments of life. Wait! Not all of them, some seem to have serious reasons for downing drugs every day, but it really puts me off when talking to those that keep getting in under this new idea that anything and everything is a mental disorder.

I know I come of sounding like a bit of a psycho snob, but in a way i feel like I am. I guess it is hard to feel much support from people who’s psychosis includes being sad for a week and then being hyper for a week (their words) and none of the other bipolar perks. When I’m manic, it is not just having more energy, it is not eating, rarely sleeping, and hallucinations, visual, auditory, sensory hallucinations. I guess I don’t expect someone to have hallucinations in order for me to think that something is really wrong, but it sure helps if there is a little more than “I was just very bouncy and happy and acting silly” or “well, I just felt bad last week and I wasn’t doing good in class and my boyfriend broke up with me.” I expect the days in bed, inability to actually drag yourself out of it, sleeping through life to make it go away, being convinced 100% that your friends don’t care about you and never did, hearing a non-stop beratement of all your incompetencies.

Now, sounding like a total bitch about the whole thing, comes the most frustrating part. We’re being spoon fed diagnosis’s through the television and magazines, prozac as a simple solution for feeling a little down from time to time, a medicinal escape from the reality of life. And the world sees this, they laugh at what america is becoming and the legitimacy of more serious cases of mental illness (and mine could be argued to not fit into that category at all, well at least till I’m sitting in the psych-ward admissions office) diminishes. Perhaps I’m one of the people I want to fight back against, feeling like the world has created an epidemic from nothing but freely handed pill bottles leading to public state of disbelief and feeling that its-all-in-our-head (just a bit ironic). Yes, there are people with serious need for medication and treatment and there is validity to depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and others. I sincerely believe that and each time my meds back off and I realize that I will not be able to escape this, the seriousness of mental disorders and the reality of living with them hits me. I am sure that the majority of the people who are getting care do deserve it, but I see that there is also a push to make a diagnosis the cure all for others.

Most physical diseases are not treated this way. People don’t comment about having diabetes and have people question the validity of it. They deal with the same challenges of living with a disease that need constant monitoring and attention and treatment and don’t have to feel like the world thinks they are making it up. But hey, maybe the world doesn’t think that, maybe this is all in my head that they do, and the world really does think that mental illness is a serious and real condition, with a real risk of death in some caes. Now, if that was true, then maybe medical insurance would open their eyes and start providing some better coverage for these services.

As a slight tangent, Chris started a new job and we were looking over the medical insurance plan together for which one he should pick. I told him that my biggest concerns when checking out insurance are how much they cover for mental health, drugs, therapy, medication management appointments, and-most importantly-inpatient treatment services. That honest statement and realization that I have to have hospitalization coverage cause it is highly likely that I will need that service at some point in the future was a hard one to vocalize and internalize. But it kinds just part of the playing field, if I play my cards right, do as I’m supposed to, the risk is pretty low that I’ll need it. But, doctors do strange things (like take you off one drug and not replace it with anything for a couple weeks, against your requests/opinion) and sometimes the drugs just don’t work or your mind starts working against you and the drugs, and you need to know you’re covered for services like that.

Okay, no more tangents, no more fussing, no more broken thoughts and possibly somewhat irrational accusations against the world. I need to get back to developing a research proposal that is due later this week.