spectating participant

September 20, 2007

i need to sleep

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 12:30 am

perhaps just saying that outloud will motivate me to make it happen.

I have big plans for alex’s birthday lunch tomorrow - but since her bus comes at 7am, I’ve got to get an early start. most of me wants to start right now, but I know better. sigh. waiting for sleep is always so unrewarding. on a good note, I’ve had several nights, in a row, of excellent sleep — probably why I’m up now, but oh well. sleep is nice when it comes, annoying when it procrastinates.

September 14, 2007

150K Milestone

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 12:17 pm

My car crossed the 150,000 miles mark this week and is still trudging along. I still love this car just as much as I did when I got it in 1999. Then it was a year old and had 7,000 miles and was in great shape (and under warranty still, something I’d never had before in a car). I remember finding it online and going to the dealership knowing that I wanted that car. My partner, at that time, and I showed up at the dealership and went for a test drive. We then deflected all the other car suggestions, bought the car on the spot, and he drove it home because I didn’t know how to drive stick! I knew I wanted a manual transmission car and recall learning to drive it, what a forgiving car it was (and still is), and the weeks of suspense each time I stopped on a hill. I’m still in love with the car, as silly as that seems. I fault Maryland for it’s cruel weather and not my a/c-less car. When it snows, I’m happy to have a car that works with me to get out of tight spots and am grateful for all the practice time I got in Wisconsin. It almost feels silly to be so sentimental about a car, but it is indeed a great car and I’m glad that it’s been such a reliant part of my life.

In the past 8 years, I’ve driven 143,000 miles - wow! Thats a lot of trips around town, between Maryland and Wisconsin, and even to Oklahoma. Chris commented on keeping his blazer running because that might be the car for alex when she gets older - I was shocked at the idea because I’ve been looking forward to the day that I can hand my car over to to her. It’s such a patient and forgiving car, what could be better? Plus, it’s a lot prettier than that blazer of his. :)

Chris also crossed 150,000 this week in his van - a vehicle he’s owned for a long as I’ve owned mine, but his came to him about 10 years old and with 40,000 miles. We’re pretty sure we crossed the line on the same day, but can’t say for sure. Funny how it worked out that way.

September 13, 2007

Window Pain

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 11:51 am

While I’ve acted like my craft room is complete, it isn’t really. I removed two windows for stripping and haven’t painted and replaced them yet. Today, I decided to be motivated and went to work on them. Unfortunately, the glazing is coming out and it looks like they’re going to need a lot more work to complete. Sigh. I love this old house, I really do, I just hate feeling inadequate in repairs. I’m sure a year or two from now I will be the home repair goddess, until then I’m pouting over putty.

September 11, 2007

time to start flying again…

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 12:35 pm

I’ve been letting myself slip and my house, routines, and mood suffers greatly when this happens. It’s time for me to drag out those flylady routines again and get back in the swing of things. Funny thing is that these routines are so easy to jump in with, yet for some reason I get mental pushback on doing it. Is it part of that psychological thing that change is scary or is it more that success is scary — I know these routines work, so why am I so reluctant to get started on them.

Probably just a bout of depression that is fighting me pretty harshly right now. I can recognize all the signs and know the steps to take to make things better and just need to get my butt moving and make it happen (aww, if only it were that simple when it comes to emotional imbalances). Perhaps writing about getting started is the motivation I need. Regardless, I’m pretty committed to getting our dining room cleared out today so that we can actually sit at our dining room table and eat dinner. Not like we’ve been lacking a dining surface - the weather has been nice enough that we made a table outside and have enjoyed the evening bat-flying entertainment. However, when the humidity (like today) and heat get too much, we’ve been opting to go out to eat instead of surviving at home.

Oh the irony of my convictions - I get so fullheaded and stubborn about things as though I know exactly how it’ll work and then must admit defeat. Guess I’m reluctant to hear “I told you so” when I’ve pushed so hard for something that ends up not working out quite right, but oh well, time to get over that too. I’m not dealing so well with the lack of air conditioning, mostly due to humidity, and it has seriously hampered the progress of completing projects. Now, I could go turn to bedroom unit on and hide out in there all day, but what use is that. Instead, I’ve been running away and hiding out and about and things aren’t getting done. Today, too bad, staying home, dealing with the moisture, and will have some progress!

September 5, 2007

wandering aimlessly

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 11:01 pm

when my laptop died, I lost all of my bookmarks - gone we’re the long list of sites that I’d read daily, weekly, monthly, ad quarterly - gone was the only pretend contact I had with most of my friends… friends, so long ago we were friends it seems and I know that over a beer we’d continue to be, but in all this distance, all this time, is it really a friendship? I don’t maintain relationship and friendships, I don’t know if it is the work involved or the insecurities that I can’t push aside. no one seems to get past casual acquaintance, for the most part, even those who’ve been there for years at this point.

someone once said that if you can call on someone in a time of need, then it’s more than just an acquaintance, so perhaps they are indeed friends because I do know that, if needed, I could and would make however many calls needed to resolve a situation and they would be there for me. but it’s the daily to-do that I can’t call about and with that I struggle — while I am comforted by the fact that I know there are people out there for me, I’m sadden when I think there isn’t anyone out there for nothing.it often just takes the moment to speak up, speak out, make some sort of contact - why is it so hard to do?.

of course, how can I truly fuss about such a situation when jamie was over saturday afternoon, followed by unplanned diner company in the evening, and then wine & movies followed by breakfast the next morning at rob’s on Sunday. doesn’t really sound much like a lack of friends situation - but maybe it is the proximity to social activity that makes me feel the distance from regular contact.

something else is bothering me too, news gathered this weekend that saddens me — I may lose someone I love dearly to the west coast and I don’t want him to go. selfish it seems, but scary just the same. not sure why it is upsetting me so this time, it is just a repeated possibility from a year or so ago, but I’m afraid this time he will leave. then my closest friend will be gone and all those relationships I’ve not maintained will hold more weight, more distance, will feel farther away.

thoughts keep rambling, wandering around, for it’s past my bedtime and I wait for work to stop holding chris — but work will win out thanks to tomorrow’s deadline. how silly it is to anxiously wait to burrow into his comfort and how thankful I am that this rarely ever happens.