spectating participant

April 27, 2006

laundry is piled up with my superwoman cape in it

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 10:03 pm

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this or at least I feel like I’ve said it a million times, but maybe those were all to myself as the clock ticks 1:23AM, 1:54AM, 2:38AM, 3:02AM, 3:59AM… At some point several months ago, I made the conscious choice that I would be able to juggle 21 credits (now its only 18), graduate, find a job, plan a wedding, continue getting paid to clean the house, buy a house, publish and print weekly and monthly PTA newsletters, move by the end of June, and still be a mom. I’m thinking that I was obviously delirious or just in serious denial.

I think the past year of mental smooth sailing has broken the rational side of my brain. My stress levels have soared far beyond what I’ve been able to tolerate in the past. In fact, I recall that most of 2004 was just like this but with the sharp internal twisting of emotional insecurity. At least I know that life will be fine, I know that things will get better, and I know that I have someone who will take a minute (or 60) and listen to me, hug me, kiss me, and simply reassure me that I’m doing alright.

Yet, even with the emotional security in place, I’m still feeling the strain of stress. My health has been fading a bit in stomach cramps and general aches and pains. I’ve not been able to sleep and have watched many nights tick by on the wall (we’ve an projector clock). I’ve not made a real meal in months and have missed so many meals that my body feels like eating is actually a bad thing now. My ability to concentrate has vanished, my attention span can’t focus on a 1 minute period long enough to remember what I was in the process of doing.

Sigh, things are really pressing down on me and I’ve decided to vent a bit and hope that helps somewhat. I figure it I outline some things that I’ve been working on, just seeing the progress will be a positive boost to keep going.

Wedding — progress: location selected. equipment rental quotes solicited. invitation style “selected” but I think I’ve changed my mind again. Invitations need to be out now, now, now. Dress needs some serious work to get started, but when?

School — I’m so getting slammed! first major project competed and turned in. one more midterm due tuesday. two more major projects in the works (as in, I’ll eventually work on them). all TA tasks are done other than give and grade the practical exam and proctor the final exam. Attending classes is getting harder and harder, sigh.

Job — I’ve got a good resume prepared and I’m happy with it. I went to two nonprofit job fairs and only have one real contact. Job interview tomorrow morning for mpt.

House — doing lots of research on houses, current houses and what they’ve gone for lately in order to offer a good price that we’d both accept. going to see some houses this weekend. we’re considering a condo in columbia just to keep prices low-low and stay within close commuting to build money and investments instead of stretching thin on a house. This buy/don’t buy/what to buy dilemma is nonstop and wearing me out.

Motherhood — I’m afraid that Alex thinks that I’ve forgotten her. I feel like we’ve not spent any time together in ages and ages. I’m working to fix that from here on out.

PTA Communications Chair — why, oh, why did I volunteer to do this? it’s going well, the email list is getting more and more use, but it is taking more effort than it should.

Graduation — I needed to buy the outfit today but forgot (did I mention my lack of ability to focus) and will need to go buy stuff tomorrow. Bought a plane ticket for mom to come out and stay a few days to help with wedding stuff.

Cleaning — I finally had to quit - there goes the extra money for the house.

Overall — umm, i should really be falling apart and I’m really not. Stressing the fuck out, yes, but not falling apart. I find that to be a great thing, I’ll get to see my psychiatrist for the 6 month appointment and honestly say I’m doing fine even if life is really difficult right now, I’m still doing fine. — ooh, sudden thought that says that being able to deal with all this stress means that I just might be ready to drop all meds, ha!