spectating participant

November 10, 2006

have I mentioned..

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 10:31 am

… that I hate living in Maryland? I feel crushed, worn out, exhausted, and so dead in life. I thought that I could pull together a kick ass job and that would make things better, but it doesn’t. I thought I could live somewhere so that alex could stay in the same school and that would make things better, but it is not. There is no light in sight, there is nothing that makes me think that anything is gonna get any better. Instead it is an indefinite holding period, life on hold, where nothing is ever gonna get better. “Someday” “oneday” too late really.

While I do have a great job and on many levels I really enjoy the work I’m doing — I’m constantly exhausted, I hate the rush rush rush pace, I’m tired of the commute, and most of all, I’m getting way too overwhelmed by Alex’s consistent pushback against the new schedule and working situation. Every day is another battle with her, every day she makes a fuss about what she can’t do because no one is home with her right after school. A lot of that is her issue because, even with my long commute, I don’t get home late (thanks to going in really early).

Last night, I told Chris we need to leave. I told him that nothing was going to get better here, that this general geographic area will continue to fight against the things we want. What we need to do is move away, find another place, and get the things we want now. He said “maybe in ten years” — I can’t do ten years. I can’t do one year or two years. We’re moving in August for sure and it needs to be far away from here. But he says it’ll cost too much to move all his stuff — but the reality is that any house we can afford to buy will mean he’s going to lose it all anyways because there won’t be ay room for it.

I hate living here. I know what it is like to live somewhere where you can breathe, you can stop and think, you can enjoy the things in life that matter. Here there is no space for that, no time for that, and no way for that to compete with everything else that must happen just to stay alive. I just don’t think I can continue to live here, we’ve got to leave.