spectating participant

October 31, 2006

boo! hoo! hoo!

Filed under: family, life — suzanne henderson @ 7:57 pm

I’m on candy distribution duty — Alex and Chris are scavenging for candy in the neighborhood. I was certain that we didn’t have enough candy, that there would be children beating down the door, but so far there have just been a couple handfuls. Perhaps all the millions of children I see every day are doing the “better neighborhood” approach — off at friends or even strangers neighborhoods known for good sugary loot. The first major wave of kids came in a mass group with no costumes — not one — and backpacks out stretched for candy — they got the lame candy.

Hopefully more children will appear because I’ve got no other reason to be sitting in semidarkness with a skull topped bowl full of goodies on a Tuesday evening. There are so many other things I could be doing — like, making dinner? heh, this is better than doing that. :)

I wore festive colors to work and was joined by just two other costumed/accessorized colleagues enjoying the holiday. I felt a bit self conscious at 6:00am getting on the bus with bleary eyed commuters, but got over it pretty quickly — other than the fact that it was damn hot today and my outfit was full of fuzzy warmness.

Tomorrow starts that National Novel Writing Month — I’m feeling right on track, other than the fact that I have no plot or real idea about what I’m going to write. I’m sure I’l figure it out between now and then, really! There must be plenty of ideas just buried between meetings, email, and project due dates. :) Alex will be coming to work with me tomorrow, maybe that will help spark something.

ooooh — children are knocking … must go give them a reason to brush and floss every day.

October 29, 2006


Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 10:39 am

November is National Novel Writing Month — information available at http://www.nanowrimo.org. I’ve seen this before and never really paid much attention to it as I was always still in the “some day” mode. But, I’m gonna do it this year and participate.

Of course, this will prolly seriously cut into my general posting — as if it was all that much these day — but hopefully it will allow me to cross one item off my life long to do list.

Now, if only I could think of what I want to write about.

October 24, 2006


Filed under: creative, life — suzanne henderson @ 2:25 pm

Dark whispers suggesting imperfection, hurried gestures coercing disenchantment, bruised egos drawing silence. Sitting with the misty haze of damp, wet clouds waiting to fold over and fog out the rest of the day – hush, not another word – hush, not another minute – hush, not another. Disconnect between emotion and rationalization of circumstance, holding back, yet teetering too close to the edge. Pushing boundaries and feeling a give, something being pulled, tension mounting, strands exploding with jerks and sways and temporary security for one more day.

Pulling it all together should be easier, should be simpler, should be second nature – should be? Over extended expectations swirling the water, hiding things shiny, things broken, things unexplored. Tension creaking, cracking, tumbling through the air. What choices can be made, what alterations can be made, what options can be made.

Wait, hush, wait, speak, wait, hush, wait and wait and wait for…

October 21, 2006

disconnection from self

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 11:19 am

Multiple paths and possibilities are at my feet and an invisible stopwatch of achievement, tick, tick, ticks with increasing pressure to act. These paths are winding, interloping, backtracking, and often nothing more than a breeze flowing through tall grasses, focused and clear in gusts and rushes of inspiration. The movement of shadows swallows the beginnings, obscures the middle, and distorts the end. My steps are circular — waiting, stalling, sprinting, stuttering, reconsidering paths from before. Pulled so far, so close, so scattered, just rain drops falling, landing, and seeping away to start again.

Where should my foot fall and where should my direction lead? I’ve caught myself full of pieces and fragments, overwhelmingly pressed to cross a finish line when I’ve not even entered the race. Connections with myself, connections with others, connections with future – all tangles of thought, emotion, and trepidation. Second guessing actions and choices and wondering if one of my current paths is going to be too hard, too sheltered, too restrictive for detours and exploration of others.

I’m waiting, watching the sun rise and set, the wind moving past, life changing around me in near oblivion. Oceans of stars faded into dusty orange night, their guidance swallowed and concealed. From the corner of my eyes I can see the world changing, I can feel the seasons moving, but they are in the beyond, out of reach, invisibly parallel and perpendicular, cross road of the past calling for a return, a reminder, a reason to breathe deep again.

Where should my foot fall and where should my direction lead? Running faster, running harder, no rest to stop and see if it is indeed where I want to go. Unattainable awareness, at this pace, if the trepidation is the distance or the terrain. Needing a space of air, of stars, of trees to stop, to rest, to step out of this disconnection from self.