spectating participant

June 10, 2005

weekend conflicts

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:03 pm

what I want to write worries me. i tell a lot of things here, but typically leave out a sometimes small/sometimes large chunk of my life. not quite sure why, guess i feel that it somehow protects me if i keep the broken part of my life separate. it has to do with the bipolar stuff, i manage another journal (well, manage used loosely since posting is once in a blue moon at best) regarding moods and emotions. and since i created that outlet for writing and also as a way to semi track my moods, though it would only be useful if i were to write consistently, for future reference. but, in doing so, i feel rather silenced here. how silly that my own designations creates feelings of restraint and discomfort. or maybe, it is simply my mood (at the moment, a reassurance that means nothing since i know that while these feeling will pass, they will also return again).

i am supposed to go camping, but i really don’t think i will actually make it. i don’t want to go and i don’t think i can stand being there either. of course, it could just be because my week has been going further and further downhill and putting up with people sounds like way too much work. and, on top of that, heading out to celebrate dave and steph getting married last december sounds much harder to do than i expected. i don’t know if this has anything to do with that and how things fell apart last year, but maybe it has. however, i’m sure it has something to do with the feelings of being all alone since i feel i no longer have the strong support from dave that i had for so long, nor the support from m&m since there is a new bundle of distraction in the house, and sadly chris really has no clue. i feel small and useless around him when i break, when i think the world has fallen apart around me, and when i want nothing more than to just not exist for a while. it is that feeling of being surrounded by people and loved ones and knowing that you are absolutely and completely alone.

so i called chris and suggested we not go this weekend. he seems reluctant about the idea and i understand. dave and steph stopped by and steph said something about seeing us in a few hours but i didn’t manage the “okay, sure” and ended up saying that i might not make it. i thought they’d already left before leaving my room, i didn’t want to say anything to them or end up in a situation like that. but, too late i guess. so now, i feel even more like shit for not wanting to go, so probably we go. so much for my better idea of staying home in a quite house and cleaning house and swimming this weekend. instead, go and pretend that everything is great and splendid and try to avoid them as much as possible. sigh.