Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 446

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 510

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/xix/xixstar.com/wp/wp-includes/kses.php on line 511

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spectating participant


June 30, 2005

joy riding

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:33 pm

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Went for a ride in the [unimog] today. thats about as exciting as it can get, can’t think of much to report that sounds neater than that today. well, gonna go make myself a chocolate malt in a minute, but the unimog still wins out as cooler.

June 29, 2005

Book Review: Reading Lolita in Tehran

Filed under: review, books — suzanne henderson @ 3:19 pm

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a book by Azar Nafisi.

I am still reading this book but figured that I better review what I can now before I forget. This a true story.

The first section of this book talks about the reading group the author formed for several women in Theran, Iran. It starts in the time when modesty laws and modesty police were in effect, that the veil was being enforced along with many other restrictions on women behaviors. THe majority of the first section focuses on the texts that they read and it feels much more like a book review of those stories than a story of it’s own. I got tired of reading these reviews and rushed along to the end of this sections. However, I did go to the library and order the books that were mentioned in the section because from her comments, they sounded like something I should read. She mentioned: Lolita, Invitation to a Beheading, and The Great Gatsby, and perhaps others.

The second sections focuses on her experience when she was still teaching at the University before the new modesty laws were in place and enforced. She does an excellent job showing the movement in Iran at the time and what people were doing and feeling and how people like her responded to the restrictions being place. I found it very powerful to read, thinking that something like that could happen here as well. If you read her account then you might also see how it could.

I look forward to finishing this book.

Update: I did eventually finish it and felt that it didn’t really live up to my expectations. The constant addition of critiques of the literary novels really got in the way. I understand the reason she wrote it that way, especially seeing as how that is one of her professional/academic interests, but it really left me wondering more about the people involved and wishing that she’d just stop talking about the stories. So, overall, it is really my expectations that fault the book — not the book in and of itself. If someone with different expectations read this story, they would probably get a lot more out of it.

Book Review: The Snow Fox

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 3:07 pm

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fiction by Susan Fromberg Schaeffer

An easy read with pretty details and an amusing story line. War and death and murder covered with love and lust. However, once the story is told, you realize that it hasn’t lives up to what it said it would and you’ve been rushed to the end in what feels like the editors insistence that the book be sent to print. It does a good job of creating another world far away in another time, but it lives in shadows and half created scenes. Too much is thrown in without development and too little is fully explored to depth. The characters offer insights of strengths and personality only to be brushed off the page with the story’s end. Overall, I was please to devour every page of the book while reading it and upset when I realized that I could almost consider it a waste of my time.

Book Review: The Time Traveler’s Wife

Filed under: review, books — suzanne henderson @ 3:02 pm

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fiction by Audrey Niffenegger.

A great read for the summer. It is light and airy and easy to fall into. The diary/dialogue style works well for the book, a style that normally annoys me. The littlee details about the year and the character’s age is also useful in setting the plot each time it changes, which is again and again. It made me want to reread it just to plot out the time in sequence and see if it all worked out like it was supposed to, but I had it on a 7-day loan form the library so no time for that.

It is not a complicated book or a deep thinking book. It almost made me cry in the end, even though I knew what would happen, it left me anxious for what was to come. The reality of the story and the day to day life worked well with the total impossibility of the time traveling idea. There are a few places that could have been fleshed out more, especially Henry and Claire’s wedding, but I think the book sort of rushed on as it came to the end.

Maybe it is just me, but I like it when stories continue on and hate to turn that last page. I would have been happy to hear more of this story and read on for a few more days. Overall it was a good book to read,

June 26, 2005

settling in

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:45 pm

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Alex is off to camp and I left feeling a little sad that I wouldn’t be there to see how it goes. I used to really want breaks from Alex, mostly due to feeling somewhat overwhelmed by our relationship that can be high tension at times. However, now I really want to be there and see what she is doing, watch how she approaches the world, and be waiting if she actually wants to talk. I get discouraged when she’d rather read a book than do something with me or when she drowns herself in her friends and I feel like I don’t exist anymore. But, I guess that is just growing up. I probably could have had all of the attention I now want and participation in her life before if I’d paid more attention and now it is too late. Well no, it is not too late. We’ve still have a lot of stuff that we can share, I just feel that we are starting to climb that hill where she’ll crest and begin defining herself in the next stage of growing up. It is something that is due to happen and should happen as part of growing up. Now I’ll just keep my eyes open to the opportunities that still exist and continue on from there.

I remember hearing people talk about how fast children grow. In some ways it is true, in the way that friday has arrived time and time again without us noticing monday-thursday of the week. But, in looking at the new baby in the house, still only a couple months old, their is an overall slowness to their growth. The stages move quickly and as the age increases the length of the stage also increases. So yes, that newborn baby will be up and walking and then talking in no time. But it takes years and years to get to the first time at sleepaway camp. It is not so much a mad dash that some people make it out to be, because it feels like it was ages since Alex was first learning to sit up. Those first years are a blurr, the drag race that people feel characterizes growing up. They move so fast because developmental milestones continue to occur right on top of one another. But then it slows down and your angel holds onto the childhood of playmates and school and riding bikes for a while.

I feel like time is moving by without me since I can’t recall what I’ve done during the past week to account for that time. But it also moves along slowly as Alex lingers a child. Her days continue to be defined by homework, chores, the opportunity to go swimming, and calling on friends to play. I know that this time will end, and while it feels soon, it is also months and years (i hope) away before adolescence and the teen years take over. And then starts the new stage, another one that will be passed by with flying weeks but also settle into a pattern and stability of the final years of childhood.

I will probably challenege this idea once I’ve reached the years of grandchildren and will think that it was a blink of time that my child/children were young, but in the moment of now, time is simply knocking at the door like the chime of the clock, a reminder, a marker, but still a long road in both directions.

June 24, 2005

packed and ready to go

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:51 pm

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Alex goes to camp tomorrow, yay! Just found out that it is not the same camp that Alex is going to, what a shame. Especially since the girls are supposed to sleep on the same mattress and I was expecting to leave it for Alex, since Alex is going the two weeks following Alex’s two weeks. Sometimes, having one name for two people is confusing, however it never feels like it to me. Just when people give me odd looks when I talk about them do I notice it.

Bust with some PDF stuff right now, researching the merchant account options and a new web hosting company. [Rob|rob carlson] suggested one already, but I’m looking up drak.net that I’ve been happy with in the past. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something a little more concrete and ready to bring to the board.

June 17, 2005

summer’s beginning

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:15 am

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nothing too exciting happening here. I haven’t ironed out the summer plans or summer rules for the house. feeling a lot better mood-wise but totally uninspired to take on the world of my room. Alex has had appointments today and yesterday making it easier to not think about what the summer routine should be like, but I’m starting to wonder if I should be doing something else. Well, what I really want to do is fix her hair, which I’m sure she’d rather I not do, so who knows where we’ll go with that. I bet it’d make her pretty mad if I asked her to take a shower, maybe if I offered the chance to watch a movie while I do her hair.. heh, bribery is sometimes the best choice.

Maybe we’ll see if Chris wants to do lunch today. I’m still liking this fellar quite a bit, he is really and truly a good guy and someone I can be happy for liking. I feel silly about it sometimes but that is a perfectly fine feeling to have. It just that I’ll see him walking by outside, heading up to bring the recycling containers back down the driveway, and be all smiley thinking about what a great guy he is. My mom was married to a really great guy once and in many ways Chris reminds me of him. Mostly I just hope that I won’t screw this one up as I have some in the past, but I also don’t think I will either. I seem to be lacking those silent warnings that linger under my breath like I have in the past. There lacks the internal compromises that I’ve been known to make as well. So, I look forward to seeing what happens.

June 15, 2005

xixstar renewed

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:46 am

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Well, for some reason I logged into gregar today to check my mail. I’m not sure why since I had not logged in since some point last year. But there I found the notice that my domain name was going to expire on the 21st of this month. It seems I always find this out just weeks or day before it expires. So, it is renewed for another 5 years and hopefully I can keep better track of it this time. So, long live xixstar.

June 14, 2005

headaches and drugs

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:59 am

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My head still hurts. These multi-day headaches really eat my energy. Megan asks why I don’t see a doctor about them and it is because I don’t want yet another drug-solution to a problem. It seems as though, in certain situations, people are not allowed to have personal preferences. As in, I really hate taking medication, regardless what it is but others seem to try and make me feel stupid for it. I do not like the idea of some chemical substance working through my body to some end. Yes, it prolly works and if it means the end to pain it should be a easy solutions. But I don’t want that solution and I will simply deal with the pain until something else, that doesn’t involve ingesting more serious chemicals, provides a solution. Because I really hate taking medications but I still take two daily is pretty much why taking anything else feels like more than I am willing to do. Now, I will take over the counter medications occasionally when I finally break down and decide some relief is needed. I don’t know why those get an occasional green light, and perhaps if there was already a migraine relief medication in my cabinet I might break down and take that. But, I’ll wait till I’m almost miserable first, which Megan doesn’t understand, which doesn’t make a lot of sense (I know) to her, but it is still the way I prefer to do things. And, my body, my choice–right?

June 13, 2005

gone and back again

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:31 am

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so, i did go after all. I basically kept forcing myself to get up and get stuff together since time was moving so slowly and it would give me that opportunity to go if I wanted to. However, by the time we got in the car, I felt shocked that I’d gotten so into the pattern and rhythm of packing and had forgotten that I wanted to think through the idea a bit more. So, we’re driving towards 29, just minutes from the house, and I’m muttering to myself how I really don’t want to be going. But, we get there after a lot of fussing and way after dark. I’m pretty mad at being there because I wanted to stay in the motel in Cumberland that we stopped at, but was way too fussy and irritable to actually argue to stay, despire the fact that we drove all the way into town and I’d just stopped and checked vacancy and price for a room. But, Chris though a $100 for a night was a bit high, I didn’t care. I’d have paid almost anything to not be camping that night, but instead I just huffed and puffed back to the camp. Childish of me, of course.

So, I don’t know how much to say about the weekend. I can discuss the Friday night events that had me saying how cool the lightning show was from the tent up until I was being dripped on and falling into a miserable mess. And that was the weekend overall, period of fun and happiness and moments of dying for escape. It worked out okay, I could run away into my book when I needed too or take a walk when everything was too overwhelming. Alex had an amazing time and it was great watching everyone have fun. I got to play a new game that I plan to go and pick up today: [Jungle Speed].

We came home on Saturday night. I had a headache and was finally done with dealing with everything. Chris didn’t mine coming home and Alex did great, even though she was not happy about the idea. The headache still has not gone away, so I am glad we got home. Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I got some things done and we all went swimming in the afternoon for a couple hours. Then during dinner we all watched a movie together. I’m glad that Alex got to have fun even though we came home. I am feeling a little better but still somewhat overwhelmed by life in general. But, I think that is fading away now that this weekend is finally over.

Oh, Alex is excited because this is her last week of school. They go until Wednesday and then it is only a half day. Looks like summer is here.

June 10, 2005

weekend conflicts

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:03 pm

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what I want to write worries me. i tell a lot of things here, but typically leave out a sometimes small/sometimes large chunk of my life. not quite sure why, guess i feel that it somehow protects me if i keep the broken part of my life separate. it has to do with the bipolar stuff, i manage another journal (well, manage used loosely since posting is once in a blue moon at best) regarding moods and emotions. and since i created that outlet for writing and also as a way to semi track my moods, though it would only be useful if i were to write consistently, for future reference. but, in doing so, i feel rather silenced here. how silly that my own designations creates feelings of restraint and discomfort. or maybe, it is simply my mood (at the moment, a reassurance that means nothing since i know that while these feeling will pass, they will also return again).

i am supposed to go camping, but i really don’t think i will actually make it. i don’t want to go and i don’t think i can stand being there either. of course, it could just be because my week has been going further and further downhill and putting up with people sounds like way too much work. and, on top of that, heading out to celebrate dave and steph getting married last december sounds much harder to do than i expected. i don’t know if this has anything to do with that and how things fell apart last year, but maybe it has. however, i’m sure it has something to do with the feelings of being all alone since i feel i no longer have the strong support from dave that i had for so long, nor the support from m&m since there is a new bundle of distraction in the house, and sadly chris really has no clue. i feel small and useless around him when i break, when i think the world has fallen apart around me, and when i want nothing more than to just not exist for a while. it is that feeling of being surrounded by people and loved ones and knowing that you are absolutely and completely alone.

so i called chris and suggested we not go this weekend. he seems reluctant about the idea and i understand. dave and steph stopped by and steph said something about seeing us in a few hours but i didn’t manage the “okay, sure” and ended up saying that i might not make it. i thought they’d already left before leaving my room, i didn’t want to say anything to them or end up in a situation like that. but, too late i guess. so now, i feel even more like shit for not wanting to go, so probably we go. so much for my better idea of staying home in a quite house and cleaning house and swimming this weekend. instead, go and pretend that everything is great and splendid and try to avoid them as much as possible. sigh.

June 9, 2005

books and movies

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:07 pm

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I’m busy with drowning in other realities right now. I keep thinking I’ll pick up out of it soon and head back into the mess of my room and dig out the filthy kitchen floor at some point, but in the mean time I’m hiding in books and movies.

Currently reading: [The Time Traveler’s Wife] by [Audrey Niffenegger]. I am completely absorbed by this book which is good because it is one of the 7-day loan books from the library. I am also reading another book, [The Snow Fox] by [Susan Fromberg Schaffer]. This one isn’t hooking me in as fast at the Time Traveller book, but that is okay. It is my car book, so it can go slow and I won’t care. I got so tired of showing up places and having to wait and having nothing to read that I bought 3 books and stored them in the car for such situations.

Now, the movie list is pretty long. I’ve been watching about a movie a day lately, and it stems from my netflix subscription and the movies around the house. There have been good movies and crappy movies.

Today I watched [Hotel Rwanda] and it had a pretty powerful impact. That one is still stirring around in my head and my actually response prolly won’t flush itself out until about 3am (I haven’t been sleeping well lately). I’ve recently watched: [The Bourne Identity], [The Bourne Supremacy], [About a Boy], [Along Came Polly], [The House of Yes], [Jeffrey], [Tipping the Velvet], [A Fish Called Wanda], [America’s Sweethearts], [Himalaya], [Sophie’s Choice], [Camp], [Tempopo], and more. A lot of these are the crumbs from the M&m’s movie collection. I’ve seen almost all of their movies and am now just picking up things, regardless of interest, and watching them. I’ve seen a lot of crappy stuff recently because of this. I hope to get decent movie responses into [fishy] at some point soon, but this is just a starting point. At least I’ve a list that I can start from.

June 8, 2005

i’ve an awesome kid…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:31 pm

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sometimes I think I forget just how amazing this kid of mine is. I don’t think about it for a while and then something gets me in a conversation about her and I rattle off a few things and think “Wow, what an awesome kid!” On #channel, I mentioned mowing the yard in large geometric patterns for Alex. She really likes mowing the lawn these days and I’ll certainly help facilitate that if I can (plus, the lawn was getting really out of hand). However, sometimes things can go a little too far.

Alex’s principal lives next door as a tenant of our neighbors. The neighbors graciously mowed our lawn a couple times recently, quite kind and generous of them. However, Alex did not take this so kindly, so she tells her principal to tell our neighbors to not mow our lawn without asking first (or so Alex tells me). And, we find out that the message has be relayed to the neighbors when Megan gets an email about what her “tenant’s daughter” had said, that they were to stay off the property. Megan kindly replied thanking them for mowing and tried to clear up some confusion and let them know that what Alex really wanted was to be able to mow the lawn again. The next day, Alex got a ride to school from the neighbor (due to unique circumstances where the neighbor picked her up at the bus stop and took her on into school). That evening, I mentioned to Alex that perhaps her phrasing wasn’t the best way to handle the situation, at which she rolled her eyes and whines “I know, I don’t want to talk about it again!” It seems that the neighbor clearly expressed her opinion about the matter on the way to school that morning. Overall, I find the entire situation amusing and the thought of a child asking people to not mow the lawn so that she can do it instead is precious.

Now, on a less confrontational topic, Alex was assigned to build an musical instrument for school. She decides to make a harp. So, I send her off to the workshop to see if Chris has any wood laying around she can use. When I show up down there, she’s selected 4 boards about 2.5 feet long each and is ready to drill holes and screw the corners together. There she is, wielding the drill and carefully placing holes and screws in just the right places. However, the electric screwdriver is a little too heavy for her to manage, so she hand screws in a few screws and Christ helps her with the others. And then, she wants to cut off of the wood that is sticking out and out comes the sawzall. There she is, working the sawzall, not cutting off any toes, nervous but still proceeding with instruction. And she ends up with a harp frame that she has created. The next day, she’s gathered up some of the eye screws I have left from PDF and has them all inserted in no time. Of course, we’ve not explained to her that her idea might not work without a box/chamber to echo the sound, but we’ll see how today goes and if she notices this issue and tries to troubleshoot it. Now, we need some sort of string material. All I have is metal wire, maybe that will work or maybe we’ll find some fishing line.

caught in wild

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:08 am

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Limited light breaks through the piney leaves and tall weeds congregating outside my window. What was once the clear view of wintery trees and greylight mornings, is now glowing green and masked in shadows. The air is still and calm, sunlight dripping heavily on the towering weed on a marathon course to surpass the resident bush in height and stature. It is intimidating intruder with it sharp leaves and thorny protrusions from its ominous stalk. The grass stands talk next to it, motivated by it’s quick progress to the sky. I want to go and tear some of it back, to claim possession over my rooms dose of sunlight, but it warns me to stay put. It suggests, in a not so polite manner, that I am best suited here behind the glass, here among the cool breeze of the a/c, here where I’m powerless to nature. But I shall fight back, sneak out into the heat pouring down, and at least snap a photo it. Oh, but it betrays the lens, blending into its green camouflage and nearly invisible to the camera. So, I shall just sit here and wonder when I will venture out and hack it down. Plus, I notice the tulips have grown tall and soon will bloom, that I shall like to see without this piney beast stealing the show.

June 6, 2005

biking blues

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:38 am

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I want my bike back. Yes, it has been broken since Novemberish, maybe Octoberish and I’m totally lame for still not fixing it. But, I had dave’s bike to borrow until I hurt my knee and then I moved out here, where there is no where to bike. But now, I need to get to the gym without paying for parking each time and I want my bike. I had high hopes of getting up early and getting it all fixed up this morning, but that didn’t happen unfortunately. I don’t quite understand the directions nor do I feel I have all the tools I need. So, I must must must take it to the bike shop this week. I’m done with not having a bike!

June 4, 2005

cooking

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:30 pm

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I wanted to cook this summer and I’ve finally started. I’m making lamb souvlaki for gyros. I’ve made the tzaziki sauce and it is resting in the fridge as the flavors develop. This has been a lot of work but a lot of fun too. In an hour and a half, I can find out if I did a decent job or not. Of course, I’m using hte slightly modified method since I don’t have a spit and must cook in a oven. But, I hear the results are good with a few extra steps taken. Yay, hopefully it works out.

more feelings

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:13 pm

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I’m feeling all alone again, left out and friendless. And, well, that isn’t that far from the truth and has been the same forever and ever. I have my friends, the ones that are arms-plus lengths away. No close friends and I’m sure it is more an issue on my part. I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t manage small talk, and I am always certain that people wish that I would just shut up and leave them alone. There is M&M and I like their company but they seem so distant lately and I’m pulling back as well. Not sure why, think it has something to do with the new little one in the house, but I’m not sure how that it causing things to be different. And well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Chris, but still need some friends of my own. Of course, I can say this all I want, over and over again as I do throughout the years, but until I figure out how to make it happen, then it won’t.

On the subject, got a random email inviting me out for coffee from a gal on one of the lists I’m on. I don’t know her at all, but we might still meet up some time (I’ve baltimore plans tomorrow) and chat over coffee/tea. Seems she is also a mom and likes crafting, so we’ll see. So, who knows, maybe I can make an effort here.

June 3, 2005

getting money matters in order

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:09 pm

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Well, I’ve been hearing about how it is the time to consolidate student loans and I finally finished the process. I was all nervous about which org to select and how to go about it, but I am comfortable with my choices. I’m going with the federal direct consolidation method just because I trust them and have always had really good experiences dealing with them. Plus, it is easy to get information about my loans from them and I can remember who they are easily. Now my 6 student loans will be combined into one which should make things a whole lot easier for me to manage.

In other money matters, I’d received an invoice from Alex’s summer camp stating that I still owed them $660. Considering several payments had already been made, I was a bit shocked to see this. But, I called and it turns out that a few of the accounts, mine included, had an error in printing. Seems all the payments, other than the BYM scholarship ($75) were left off. So, good news is that all payments are accounted for and the final amount due is covered. For a moment I was in a panic because I added up what was left to be $410 and I was only planning to cover another $55. Then I remembered that my work grant credit for working there a week wasn’t added in yet. That was a relief and I was right in just needing to cover the last $55. That is now taken care of and once we go get some more camp gear, Alex will be all set for her first sleep-away camp. I’m excited for her.

June 2, 2005

catching up and reflection

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:45 pm

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Alone in the house tonight, Alex went with Megan to see Alex’s gymnastic thing. Chris has his rifle club meeting tonight. Just me and a movie and lots of thoughts.

I keep going back to PDF, mostly due to stuff on lists and also actual events that I was involved in. This PDF I expected everything to break but I didn’t give energy to it and instead decided to pull through with the best that I could do. My therapist loves to remind me of my endless self-fulfilling prophecies, so I try to avoid that when I think of it. And I’m glad I didn’t walk through the gates waiting for everything to break. Instead, I was constantly amazed at the energy, the vibe, everything that I encounter, that I did not expect to see.

Everyone I met and talked to and hung out with were basically new people to me. Many had been to PDF before and for others it was their first time. I am normally so tied to being shy and so trapped, in a way, within my own preset circles of friends, that I don’t talk with new people or connect with them. This was what I needed. I needed to see that new people are not the enemy, that we can continue to grow and provide a great event to new and old people. I was happy to see that some people get it right off the bat and that others get it by the end of the weekend. Sometimes, after years of doing this, I forget what it was like the first time I showed up at a burn, the first sparks of energy I had, the way the whole world changed for me and how I suddenly knew that there were endless possibilities of creativeness out there.

But in all this happiness, there is one event that still makes me uncomfortable and reminds me that I am not ranger material, nor am I site contact material. I am not good when things crumble, I hide behind other people too much, and worry too much about everyone instead of just focusing on one issue. I can say that I kicked an issue sideways and let it remain at that, mentally wash my hand of the entire incident, but that isn’t an honest evaluation. I can honestly admit that it was way more complicated that I was able to fully handle on my own and I am glad others stepped up to the plate to help deal with it. I can’t say I was terribly pleased with the overall resolution, but it is one that I accepted at the time. And, had it gone the other way, I would have been just as uncomfortable and supportive of it then.

And now, as more information is reveal, more takes on one story, more statements made, it is really hard to not get pulled down by it. I understand that we are fallible and that we made the best decision based on the information that we had at the time. However, that information doesn’t help the fact that I know how distressing and upsetting this entire event is for the community as a whole and the people in general. I am not good with these situations, nor am I good at figuring out where to place these feelings and what exactly they are. It is really hard when, now with the new information and with the additional time to let this simmer, I wish that our actions had been different, that my actions had been different.

I still feel that the step we took, as a first step in resolution and not to imply it was to be the final or only step, was a valid and reasonable set of action. But it is so hard to accept that now, when new information has been provided that would have made a difference then. And, it is hard because I continue to hold responsibility for this, though I know that is not actually the case. Sigh, I’m dragging down with this, that inescapable feeling of having done wrong, having not lived up to expectations, of having upset people, of having disappointed. I continue to carry the energy of the community and the responses with me everywhere and haven’t been able to get out from under them. I will never ranger again, I have thought before that I was not cut out for it, and now I am reminded again that it is not the task for me. Though, does that also mean that I am not fit for serving on the board either?

I have extremely high expectations for PDF. I want to see it continue to grow in a positive manner. I feel that we need people who’ve been around for a while to remain in the folds to keep some ideas held fast. We’ve seen a great amount of change, in ideas, support, and people–which is a good thing– but I also feel that we lose some of our core values when it is a revolving door of planners and planning goals. I’ve got a lot to think about, a lot. I hope that I can back off from this situation somewhat, I may need a break from the lists for a little while, but I doubt that I will leave. I’ve too much invested in this community and this event to walk away now. Things happen, choices are made, sometimes they are right and sometimes they are not, but it is still part of growth, wether we want this kind of growth or not.

June 1, 2005

weed control

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:54 am

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Weeds weeds everywhere. My room is a mess and the garage is filled with playa gear. I need to get on the ball organizing things and preparing a menu for grocery shopping. I’m looking forward to cooking again, but feel like I have all these steps in the way to getting started. Feeling a little slow and lazy lately too, hoping that will pass. It is summer for me, but it still just feels like a long weekend or like I am skipping class.

Oh, and that class I was hoping to get a C in, I got a B+! Whoot, sure pulls up the GPA for me. Good, good. Well, off to see if I can get moving or to continue passing the time. I really want to get some books to read from the library, it has been so long since I’ve read a book for fun.