spectating participant

January 30, 2005

a good couple of days

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:54 pm

Tuesday - [beer]. Wednesday - [Mount Everest]. Thursday - [Sushi Sono]. Friday - [Marathon Deli]. Saturday - [REI] Attic Sale. Sunday - [Meeting for Worship].

I keep meaning to write more, but instead I’m adding up the good parts of the days. I’ll go ahead and stop here.

January 20, 2005

finally falling flakes

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:42 pm

The branches are filling with fluff, leaves of green topped with white caps growing heavy in the greylight. i shuffled my feet outside the front door, kicked up a showering of powdery goodness, and skipped down the driveway, swirled in ecstatic circles up the driveway to fetch the mail, pausing long enough to look up into the snowfall, letting flake melt on my eyelashes.

that was written yesterday….

today, alex’s school started two hours late. she woke me this morning with sledding wishes. I wasn’t about to dash out of bed and out into the cold; instead, we headed outside afterschool for some lowkey snowball fighting and sledding. Sadly, though amazed by the snow, I’m feeling a little slow, caught up in dreams, and feeling groggy. Hopefully tomorrow I feel a little more alive for the trip to the Baltimore Yearly Meeting’s Women’s Retreat.

January 16, 2005

wow me with words

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:23 am

thesaurus.com’s entry for wow doesn’t capture the right feeling; neither does wow. last night, had a moment that ended in a never ending chorus of murmured wows because nothing else could describe it. i’d stop every once in a while, my brain scrambling to rise above the emotions, to find a better expression only to sink back into wow… wow… wow… words fails us so many times to truly capture the true spirit of a moment, experience, thought, or idea.

my dreams are vivid and overwhelming at times. i’ve been struggling with many nights of negative dreams and have been asked what they are about. again, language fails to offer me a pot to pick from. i can’t gather enough words to describe what is happening in my mind, the feelings laced together, the emotions tangled in sequence with events layered on incidents. words provide a limited palette for the range of emotions, range of thoughts, much less the span of imagination we posses.

i struggle to explain how something as simple as a leaf stumbling across the drying grass can bring such a flutter of comfort to me. the only consolation i find is knowing that maybe someone else knows that feeling, maybe they have looked out a window and sat in silence watching the air moving in stillness, and know the contentedness that i feel. but when you try and take something as personal as a deeply felt sensationg, a purely imagined experience, a dream or fantasy, a thought that is composed of flakey layers of moving images… it is so much harder to rely on the inadequate representation through verbal language.

and so, last night, i let the undescriptive sounds of wow breathe off my lips again and again, knowing that no definitive meaning came from those words, but hoping that maybe those who heard them would be able to grasp a fraction of the feeling i was trying to share.

January 15, 2005

today was brought to you by the letters d, q, and m

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:55 pm

Watched the first 3 episodes of [Buffy the Vampire Slayer] tonight. Wasn’t too bad, actually. Alex was all worried that it would be too scary, but I think she survived it okay. We’ll see how her dreams went in the morning. I managed a glass of wine per episode, so I’m now wanting to drift into sleep.

Netflix added a new feature, you can now add additional profiles for people in your household. They are attached to your account and they have their own login and queue for ordering movies. You then assign how many of your movies you want them to control. I’ve given alex power over 1 of my 3-out-a- a-time. Now she can make her own list of movies and they’ll come addressed to her. Once she has watched one, she can return it and get another one from her list mailed to her. I really like the idea.

The hard part was handing over one of my movie rations to her. I’m still toying with the idea of upgrading my account to having 5 movies out at a time. It is an increase from 17.99 to 29.99 and I’m not ready to make that leap yet. However, I’ve found that I am watching a lot of tv series on DVD now and that has severely limited the number of movies that I am getting out because I get hooked into a show and want to watch all of it and don’t get any movies for a month or two. With 5 out at a time, I might have a little more freedom to make selections and have a little flexibility in my movie options. Then I would also have some options for movie night parties as well.

But if I upgrade to additional movies. I’d add profiles just to manage tv series. It is a pain dealing them with them in the queue. It would be awesome to say that if I send back a Sex in the City disc, please send the next Sex in the City disc if it is in my queue. Right now it is juggling numbers to keep things close enough to the top that I get a selection of tv series and movies. I guess this is feedback I should be giving to netflix.


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:57 am

I woke at 6am and waited for this moment, the sun moving up above the trees. Beautiful!

And now it is high in the sky, obscured white behind the clouds. Soft daylight, gentle push into a weekend, soft leading into casual relaxation. Delightful.

January 13, 2005

oh so hungry

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:25 am

My appetite has really increased the past few days. Maybe because I’ve done so much work on meal planning and grocery shopping. But whatever it is, I’m going crazy. I had breakfast less than 1.5 hours ago and already I’m hungry again. Sheesh. At least I know that I am making healthy choices, but I will need to increase my energy output to keep up with intake just to stay balanced. I’d like to keep the 20lbs I’ve lost off.

The meal planning has been exciting. At first I was worried about doing it because it meant that I would have to go to the store regularly and I still have lingering trepidation about grocery stores. However, I’m amazed by how far I’ve come from a couple years ago. Then, I couldn’t handle being in a grocery store for more than 5-10 minutes without having a panic attack. I wasn’t able to do real shopping trips.

Now, I still can’t really stand being in the grocery store when it is busy. I quickly get annoyed and frustrated and decide that I don’t care if I’ve gotten what is on my list and I get mad at the people with me who do care. This makes evenings and weekends a bad time for shopping for me. Due to this, Mark has made an amazing compromise, he is willing to go shopping with me at 6:00 am in the mornings.

So, I’ve got the next week all planned out. And have made some tasty dishes the past few nights. [Chicken Balsamic] was really impressive. I didn’t think it would turn out very good, but I had all the ingredients on hand and it seemed simple enough, so I tried it and yummy. Yesterday, we had [corned beef and cabbage], something I never imaged I would cook, much less like. It was really good. I know why I was so hungry yesterday–I could smell it simmering in the crockpot all day. Today is a skillet-chicken dish over spinach. mmm. I’m getting everything from the book [Saving Dinner] which includes weekly menus, side dish suggestions, and grocery lists. All the connivence that my life needs, with a few alterations to tailor a few things to our tastes/preferences.

Well, I think I’ll go make a berry smoothie or get some fruit. It is so nice having food in the house that I’ll happily eat. And being home to eat, so much nicer that being out and grabbing something on the fly just cause I’m starving and there is no other choice.

January 10, 2005

owl feathers

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:33 pm

winter hides behind the clouds, staying cloaked in the sunlight. no snow or blustering cold, no icicles or frosty breath from my lips. the day is warm outside my window, tempting me to sneak out for a quick bike ride.

motivation has been pushing me hard. so many things completed, so many more there to be done. january, ready for change, no new years resolution, simply my life opening to me, change borne to change, facing fear without fear, feathers falling in the wake of winged flutter.

kisses of joy and happiness, kisses of comfort and safety, kisses of jubilance and discovery, kisses of day and night. clouds and sky too far too touch and so close to my toes these days, walking and dancing in dreams and smiles, waiting and wanting and grasping for everything all at once and making things happen that need be, that want be, that shall be.

balancing the wishes of polar opposites in my life has always been a challenge. again it is back, tugging at my heart, my senses, my practicality. how to make one happen, one succeed, when the other tears it all apart? i’ve settled into building up the solid foundation of stability, securing it’s strength, before the air of adventure and wistful ideas of exploration takes me away. tis my hope that this solid footing will be a strong enough base to allow me to take off on my worldly pursuits and still hold me close enough that i don’t feel the need to lose one to have the other.

so now, I have swallowed myself in my quests of sorting and establishing my life as I want it, for once not feeling like I’m battling against myself, just allowing things to happen instead. making spaces in my life where I can be, where I want to be, and where I am happy. give wings space to stretch and expand. winter will eventually shake away her cover and blanket us all in surrender, closing us in our spaces, and I will be ready and waiting.

January 8, 2005

exude happiness

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:57 pm

I love the happiness that flows after a wonderful evening. The smile that casually turns the corners of your mouth up when you’re not paying attention. Open-eyed grins in the sunlight, bright-light -joy laughter dancing with your tongue. The playful, mocking grin responses to your infectious cheer that gets paired with a silent chuckle at your simmering giddiness. Whirls of energy swirled with the barely noticeable too-little sleep.

Such a wonderful feeling that I wore the vibrant pink fuzzy hat, the essence of exuberance, all day, dancing around the house in stripey socks in leg warmers. Spent the day too happy to get dressed, content to wear the hat, undies, and a starry smile, until the sun set and the air cooled down. Now spinning in soft circles, contemplating the placement of my new star lights, and simply letting today continue to slip off my shoulders, past my hips, and down to tomorrow.

January 7, 2005


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:13 am

I’ve been teasing my mind with the idea of going out to utah again. honestly has nothing to do with the last post, just been feeling that pull of the moutains, of the calmness of the place, the possibilities that seem to linger in the trees, whispered in the sunlight and shining on the snow topped mountains. I want to feel like I’m too small against the world again, feel like I can actually hope for something more, something greater, feel like there is so much more in the world than what I’m sitting on, looking out on, waiting for… I want to walk up the side of a mountain, feeling like I can hit the top, before walking and panting for hours before conceeding that it will take a lot more than simple ambition to reach the top.

January 4, 2005

hush, call my name

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:54 am

i hear your whisper against the not-so-soft-light that is harsh against the glassy night. i know i should listen and crawl beneath the warmth of your arms, cradled in darkness, slipping into dreams, but i want to linger here. i’ve been holding on to myself, holding on to time, holding on to this moment a little while longer. frozen, stopping here and waiting for the stars to fall down for me.

off with the light, my eyes burning yet still turning from your beckoning. i know you want my gentle surrender, but the stars against my lips i wait for. the red glow of the distant-city-sky sways behind the bare trees, hiding the stars from my eyes-stinging from the light that was on too long. ’sleep now, my love, you’ve been up too long, my heart, come into my warm and waiting arms, my starshine, into dreams and walk with me,’

my ghostly reflection on the glass, waiting for stars that won’t fall, for the frosty faeries with sparkling wings, chandeliers of glass, walking among the moonlight and trees, of moments long past, waiting for what can’t be right now. letting the whispering pull me, the warmth fades as I relent and drop back my defenses. the whispering grow stronger, lips brushing my ears, I can feel your breath there once more. so long since your kiss and your arms, into your dreams, my love, into our wind sped deliveries, tonight carried with slumbering stargazing.

January 3, 2005

wasting time

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:41 pm

so knarphie gave me a link to http://okcupid.com to kill time. Found their personality assessment rather amusing:

You’re a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It’s therefore highly likely that you’re attractive, and you’re certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

    You don’t get attached too easily, and, to wit, you’re not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That’s a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you’re open to anything, you’re keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won’t be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.


Thanks knarph!

First Day of School; First Day of Vacation

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:34 pm

Alex is back in public school today. It started off pretty smoothly, new desk ready for her. Her teacher seemed very nice, much like the teacher she had at [Villa Cresta|Villa Cresta Elementary School]. I’m really happy with the place so far. The environment seems so inviting, the principal was at the door greeting all the students warmly as they arrived, just a happy feeling as I walking out. I look forward to hearing more about it when she gets home.

And now, as Alex has gone back to school, I have my days completely free until Jan. 26th. Oh, what to do, what to do? Now my vacation really begins.

January 2, 2005

indulgent laziness

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:34 am

so sweet are the mornings when dawnlight pulls you from sleep but you linger under the covers, unwilling to escape the comfort of your blankets. It has been so long since I’ve actually pulled my laptop in bed with me before venturing out of my room to start my day. With a click I get to start up the music and snuggle back with Sir Fuzzalot, pretending that night is still lingering behind the trees, and feign sleep a little longer.

January 1, 2005

soft beginings to a new year

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:37 pm

another typical new year’s post? perhaps. This past year has been filled with so many changes, filled with so much happiness and sadness and countless changes. In a sense, I feel too exhausted to be optimistic and energetic about starting another year. Missing is the hope that this year might be different, instead there is the honest realization that my life will always cycle and repeat and all I can do is hope to improve my reactions to it.

Last night I rolled from happy and down, unable to decide where I was at as the year ended and I tried to decide how to conclude yet another annual chapter of life. Someone told me that the new year is all about starting fresh and not about looking back, but that is the line (or lie?) that I’ve been feeding myself for so long that I can’t choke it down anymore. Or maybe it is just today, these last few days, that have made it hard to let go of the things that I feel I lost last year.

But even with feeling like I’ve lost some things, I know that I have found home this year. I am surrounded with friends that are close enough to call family. That alone is worth so much, amazing and comforting. I’ve found a place to live that I’ve simply melted into, a place where I can breathe. Alex has her own space and is surrounded by people who love and care about her, something that she really needs. Even when the world seemed to be falling apart again and again this year, so many things have come together for me.

And now it is time for another year, wonder what it shall bring, maybe a little milder selection that this year past.