spectating participant

July 27, 2004


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:33 am

Summer’s face is clouded with cool breezes and hidden rain drops. It’s hard to believe that it is July when the temps stay in the 70s all day long. Makes me long for the Wisconsin summers, where it wasn’t so unusual to have days nearly this cool for weeks at a time. Living down on the East Side of Milwaukee, just blocks from Lake Michigan, it was so n ice to sit in the window letting the breeze trickle across my skin.

My longing for Milwaukee seems to be fading. I thought I would be spending every day wishing that I was there, but now it’s just a desire to visit. Being rooted in friends and loved ones makes it still to dream of running away anymore. Too bad [Parkville, MD] didn’t have ability to push that desire away, maybe I could have connected a little better sooner.

I’ve been busy and distracted lately. So much happening, some are too involved to detail here and others are just not suitable material to share with the public. Found some new insights yesterday that have me feeling a little off balanced today. But I’m sure that the long comfort socks I’m wearing today will hold everything back together.

I’m reading a book [Eats, Shoots & Leaves|Eats, Shoots and Leaves] about English grammar. It almost makes me cry knowing how bad my grammar is. And it is mostly a victim of quick fingers and fast thoughts. I know the rules, but for some reason things come out the wrong way. I still need to spellcheck and proof my site, but it feels like a pretty big task still.

I printed out several months worth of pages a month or two ago and proofed them on paper. However, going back and editing individual entries never happened. Maybe it’s about time to get on that before I have another year uncorrected and the world thinks that I’m dumb cause I mistype so many things.

July 24, 2004

moisture’s trapping

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:12 am

Can’t sleep again, my body hurts. So much on my mind lately, it’s not really a bad thing. I’m full of thoughts and ideas and it’s all crushing together as I try to rest. But I’m only awake cause my body hurts.

July 18, 2004

chick flicks

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:33 am

Watching [Boys on the Side], thought it was the first time for me to see it, turns out I’ve seen it before. All talking about how the last time you make love to someone, you don’t know it’s the last time. Strange that isn’t really the case with me, other than one relationship, I’ve known the last time was the last. Maybe I just ignored that little taboo of not sleeping with someone you’re leaving (or they are leaving you, as the case may be) and needed that closure.

Up past midnight again. Brain is moving too fast lately, tried laying in bed hoping that I could get some sleep, but it never came. Realized getting up for a few hours would just be easier.

I survived another PDF Planning meeting. Rather uneventful. I’m happy to see how things have progressed the last two years. Makes me happy.

6:51am update. Just finished watching [Robin Williams Live on Broadway], [Boys on the Side], [Bounce], and [Save the Last Dance]. I’m starting up [What Dreams May Come] but doubt I’ll be able to finish it.

July 17, 2004

satuday so soon?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:11 am

I slept in late, a good feeling considering the number of nights I’ve stayed up late and needed to get to work early. But, I’m feeling a little pressed for time. I wanted to go to the library before heading over to the [PDF|Playa del Fuego] planning meeting, but between food and laundry, I don’t think that I will have enough time.

Talked to Steph about [homeschooling] and it is sounding lie we are going to make a go of it. There are more details to talk out, and having the main person involved all the way in Oklahoma right now makes that seems a little difficult to do. But I’m sure we’ll figure out what is what when the time comes.

Hopefully I’ll not obsess over this idea too much. However, I know that [fishy] will now become a good resource for homeschooling families. I love that little database. I just wish that I could get it redesigned the way that I want for it to be.

July 15, 2004

missing midnight

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:03 am

Looks like midnight passed a while ago. I was still out, drinking a beer and eating a slice of pizza in [College Park, MD]. Now, I sit in the living room that isn’t mine, typing away on the keyboard, listening to a foreign film that I haven’t the language understanding nor the patience to read the subtitles to follow the plot. It sure sounds nice and I’ve seen it before, so maybe my mind is keeping up even when I feel lost.

I’ve been adding a lot of content to [fishy] lately. I feel like I have this fount of information that just needs to come out. I’m in the process of changing medications and have been doing more research on what I want to try next ([Topamax]) and considering reducing [Zyprexa] to occasional use, as needed.

The other burst of information about [homeschooling] comes the possibility of it this fall for Alex and Alex. My mother is moving back to the East coast and has offered to do homeschooling for Alex and Alex. It is a lot to think about, just the general aspect of it. And then even more to think about if we decide to go through with it and trying to coordinate the beginning of the school year.

So much to think about and consider right now. Lots of random thoughts running all over the place. Hecticness.

July 14, 2004

morning goodness

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:59 am

I just have to say, mmm mmm mmmm. What a spectacular morning.

July 12, 2004

midnight passes again

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:22 am

It seems a trend I’ve begun; twisting in the damp night air until the thought of sleep is exhausted and I’ve crawled out bed. So, sitting with a book [The Hours] completed and all my friend’s websites read over, I’ve time to kill.

We were at [Assateague Island] this weekend, basking the in sun and surf. The sun poured itself all over Dave, despite his probably-too-late application of sunscreen. So, we return from the beach, my body color simply darkened (without the protection of sunscreen) and his body colored red. The beach was great, a little bit of salt, a little pony camp-ransacking, lots of cool salt water, and a small case of heat exhaustion. A success overall!

So now I’ll play online hoping to find a suitable distraction to bring on sleep. Especially with a dentist appointment awaiting my arrival at 8:00am tomorrow - er, today.

July 9, 2004

midnight comes too soon

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:25 am

Urban sprawls weaves a luminescent ribbon against the night, wide red bands woven through trees and bridges. I chase the grain of light, rushing past the whispering shadows. Wind lapping locks of hair into the corners of my lips. Occasionally, in a break of swaying limbs, I discover a brilliant white band weaving past me to where I’ve been. Stars don’t shine here, the moon is absent to my heart. Moods shift down, the clutch pushed to the floor. Music bleaching my mind, exposing the dirt and grit I hide.

Tears smeared against my cheeks with forceful brushes of air. A headlight beam catches the wetness and reflects into my eyes. Crying to the radio, not driving but merely herding along the flow of red light. Gas petal pushed too far; sadness settles around me, humidity of memory. I think of the cuts I got from him, the still bleeding wound many years old. Laughter breaks the motionless suffering, realization that the sharpest attack was the lack of an attack. The pain that still lingers stems from nothing, in its core meaning, at all.

July 8, 2004

this old house

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:45 am

We’ve made some more progress on the bathroom, not as much as I’d have liked. We didn’t take into account that two days of heavy work could toast our energy levels. So Tuesday we did some clean-up and prep work and planned out the remaining wall pieces that needed cut. Wednesday night, Dave was more productive, he cut and notched the rest of the concrete board cut and got it ready to put into place tonight. I just cooked and did dishes, which was helpful and needed.

Tonight I work late; I won’t be around to help put up the rest of the walls. I think Dave is still planning on getting that accomplished though. Tomorrow, we’ll have a little bit of time before heading to [Assateague Island] to work some more. I almost want to bail on the beach so we can stay home and complete the project, but Dave made the point that we’ve killed one long weekend doing the bathroom and using up another one would be foolish. So, we’ll see what gets done, what doesn’t get done, and deal with it then.

July 7, 2004

school work almost completed

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:35 am

Today I have an appointment with the financial aid office to get my last bit of scholarships/grants paperwork for the Indians completed. Once I mail that off, I will be mostly done with all the prepwork needed for school. I will then need to talk to a professor about letter me into his/her class, let all my professors know that I will not be there for the first week of class, and buy books. Woohoo! It is all coming together nicely. I’m getting all giddy about being a college student again, woo!

July 6, 2004

And the week begins…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:54 am

I stood out on the porch listening to reverberating bass of fireworks. Though the sound was pushing against my tired limbs, I was still too far away to see the crashing of color against the night sky. Yet, memory of years past, let me see with great clarity the crackling sparks filling the sky and slowly descending on the night as another burst steals the spotlight. The cloudy haze of smoke developed in my mind as the flashing grains of light covered the sky. My toes wiggled on the damp concrete; I shifted my weight as the show continued on. This personal celebration filled the quiet aching that had developed for the 4th of July’s past.

Tuesday is here too soon; the weekend passed too fast. I spent the weekend tiling a bathroom and still havenít finished. Dave teased and picked at my ambitious optimism, my belief that we could be completely done with the bathroom by today. And I’m sad to see that he was right, that the task was much larger than I thought. So now, I’m considering defeat and considering the option that we won’t have the bathroom completely resurfaced by Friday . I so wanted to surprise Steph, and I know that our current progress will make a giant impression; however, the entire task might not get completed. More work tonight.

July 1, 2004

lots to think about

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:08 pm

Vacation ended, regular life resumed minus one key player., alex.

During my mom’s visit, she gave me an early birthday present, a sentimental token full of emotion. The words and messages toppled compliment after compliment on me. It was very uplifting to read, thoughts my mother has about me. But, as the vacation ended, I couldn’t help wondering if it was all fluff.

During the vacation, I told my mother a bit of information that I wasn’t sure how to give. It came up that I’m dating Dave and Steph. I wasn’t ready to deal with my mom’s disproval of it. I didn’t really expect her to find it acceptable, but I did expect a more open response, communication-wise, from her.

I’m still cringing at some of the remarks and comments and at her refusal to let me respond to her concerns. Individual concerns are valid, but when they are closed to response, they feel more like attacks on me opposed to conflict with a situation.

And when I got back over the words expressing how original and inspiring I am, I wonder how much of that is actually true for her. I’ve done a great many things in my life. I’m happy with most of them. I continue to develop who I am, my family and friends community, and where I fit in the world. I’ve spent most of my “adult years” acutely aware of the need to discover who I am as a person, and feel that I have made great strides and continue drifting closer to myself.

My mom and I have talked a bit more and are not at the non-communicating standstill that we were before she left. And I’m sure that time will work out all things, as it normally does. But it still pushes me hard mentally as I already juggle my complex (and satisfying) life.

Additional notes:

I’ve finally taken some more pictures! The Brookside Gardens collection is my favorite.

Also, I’m finally registered for classes this fall. 13 credits if I get the waitlisted class I need, 12 credits if I don’t.

I’m going off lithium per doctors order; I will be switching to a new drug. I never took the [Prozac] and I don’t plan to; I am starting [Zyprexa] on a fulltime basis.

Finally, I think my mom will be moving back East this fall (yay!!).