spectating participant


June 27, 2004

I’ll sure miss her.

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:13 pm

In 7 hours, I’ll be taking my momma and baby girl to the airport. My girl will be gone until the middle of August and I already miss her. We’ve had a really great vacation doing all sorts of fun stuff. All the fun we’ve had just makes me realizes just how much I’ll miss Alex.

preview

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:10 am

I’ve been playing with a digital SLR. Which translate to: enough camera to make it really hard to get good shots. I’m learning.

June 25, 2004

taking a quiet break

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:08 pm

Hustle and bustle abound! We’re having a great family vacation, I can’t believe it’s half over. We’ve convinced my mother to move back east, and that as long as she is away from Baltimore, it doesn’t suck. We went and looked and played with teddy bears today. It was fun!

I’m tired, so thats all the feedback I can give. THe girls are running around all crazy like, I’m just trying to hide. Think I’ll find a good napping spot.

June 22, 2004

real live vacation

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:23 pm

It finally dawned on me that I am taking a vacation. Even though I’m not heading out of town, I’m still taking off work and doing fun activities. I’m also going to Assateague, but due to all the camping I do, that seems like a normal weekend trip.

I have to leave to pick my mother up soon, 11:15pm is a pretty late time to show up in an airport. I’m already pretty tired, and hoping that trip won’t be too tiring. We’re gonna stay that the [M&M Spa] during my mom’s visit. I gave up stressing over how comfortable we’d all be in my room in college park, and took Megan’s offer to stay at her house.

I guess I am writing to kill time right now. However, it looks like I’m not writing anything of interest and I should hush.

June 18, 2004

who are these people?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:35 pm

I’m still cleaning/rearranging my room and going through the last two boxes that were still packed. I stumbled upon a yearbook from [Westmoore High School] 1997. I read through the comments, trying to figure out who these people were. Did I really know them? Why did they write in my yearbook? Did I actually have friends in high school?

I then looked at the yearbook from the year I graduated. I thumbed through the pages, seeing circles around different faces, I looked to the side to find the matching name. But still, I drew a blank. Who were these people? Why do I have no memory of sharing time or classes with them? What does that say about me?

I did find a name or two that I knew. One, [Joel Laura], I remembered how my fascination with him started in 8th grade when he sat near me in my history class. He was so smart, smartest kid in the class, and easy to get along with. I used to feel sad that I couldn’t get someone as smart as him to like me; sad because I got the stoner drop-out’s interest instead. I couldn’t let anyone know that I like Joel, mostly because he was so smart.

Funny thing now is how I am surrounded with people who are intelligent. In fact, one friend scares me with his scientific mind and ideas. I feel less intelligent around them, like I don’t quite measure up. But Dave pointed out that I am surround with computer geeks and other who have a high mathematical intelligence. Math is hard for me, I don’t have a good drip on it, and it does make me feel dumb when I can’t answer some of my daughters questions without writing it down and working it out. But, I am still smart, in a totally different way. I may not have been valedictorian of my graduating class, like Joel Laura was, but I’m still quite intelligent. Now, if only I knew who the rest of the people in my yearbook are…

June 16, 2004

home, james

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:57 pm

wow, it feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve been home. And maybe it has. Or maybe it’s been a while since I’ve been social with the rest of my housemates. An interesting bunch they are, I can’t quite decide if I like them or not. Funny how that works, sometimes the whole language thing is just frustrating and annoying. Other times, it is amusing enough. I guess tonight I was more focused on getting ready for my mom’s trip.

I’m nervous about her being here. I’ve never considered a group house full of brazilians as her kind of place. And, sadly, the one other woman in the house is rarely around, so it does have more than its fair share of masculinity. I don’t know, I guess I just worry about getting her approval, but whats so important about approval of a house that I’m never at anymore.

So right now I’m getting reacquainted with everyone. Trying to get back to that comfortable I-live-here-too feeling, instead of someone always running in and out all the time. Maybe I’ll get that back, maybe I won’t. Just realized I’ll have to buy some food and reclaim my section of the fridge. Sheesh so much to do.

Tonight I decided to clean up my room, yet that quickly morphed into rearranging and reorganizing things. So what was a reasonable mess, is now full blow disaster space. I like seeing a little more open wall space, not filled with cluttery mess. Tomorrow I’ll hang up some color and possibly put something over the windows. I don’t imagine my mom being comfortable with wall length windows left open to the world.

I think I’ll get on to sleep. Went in to work late today because I had a first appointment with a new psychatrist. He’s okay, not totally impressed, but I feel like he’ll be of use. Starting a new drug, [prozac], and will work towards reducing my lithium side effects in the next few weeks. He also gave me a sample of another drug ([zyprexa]) after I mentioned I’d taken a couple times recently and found it really helped me be able to sleep. In two weeks I may be switched over to a prozac/zyprexa combination. I’m kinda excited about the idea of actually getting some so of medication plan that doesn’t leave me physically ill all the time.

Tomorrow I’m leaving work early for a second appointment with my new psycologist. I really like her personality and am looking forward to a non race-the-clock-with-your-entire-life-and-mental-health-history appointment. Yay mental health management, I’m kinda liking this. They can help me feel more balanced and I’ll keep myself out of the padded rooms for a while longer.

June 15, 2004

one potato, two potato, three potato…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:17 pm

more.

More what? More details that I don’t have to toss out right now? More communication from me, why have I suddenly gone so silent? More insigh into what’s ticking in my head and why are only the muffle tocks hinted at and alluded too?

Sorry, you’ll have to take the potatoes and do what you will with them. Tonight a friend from Montana is in Baltimore. I am supposed to go to beer and see him. But, I didn’t think it’d happen. And now that more of the day has passed, I am really doubting that it’ll happen. I’m bummed, I feel like a total slacker for ditching out on a friend from so far away. I’m not up for going alone. I don’t really have the gas money either. Sigh, bad timing I guess. Or maybe, I just suck. Bummer. Hopefully, I’ll kick my ass and actually go out on my own somehow.

June 10, 2004

when you can’t keep up

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:17 pm

I’ve been drowning in my mind, tied up with fears and suspicions, whipped with impossible ambition, mocked by love’s lack of abandonment. A strange torment of reality and absurdities has whispered in my ear all the things I don’t want to hear. I’ve let it steal me into a broken, nervous sleep, jarred by moments left grasping for normalcy and redundancy but lost to hope of consistency. It hasn’t been fun or exciting, but there were red flags, blinking lights, bells and whistles going off left and right to let me know this would happen. But when I bite into stubbornness, I bite hard and it takes blood in my mouth for me to back off.

So, now I’m favoring my torn cheek and stepping back a little, hiding from life a little till balance returns to my life. It’ll show up again, it always does, and I’ve taken the tender steps I need to make it happen. In fact, tonight I may take the one last intial step I need to get back to dancing in starlight, or at least stop weeping in the shadows. Thankfully, I’ve gotten one of the strongest horse kicks to the brain that I needed, even dripping with depression, I’m loved and cared for and it isn’t gonna push those I love away.

June 7, 2004

smell of flowers still in the air

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:37 am

[Playa Del Fuego Spring 2004]: Wow! It took till the car was packed Friday morning before the excitement started to creep in. It wasn’t until the tent, hammock, and art/shade structure was set up that I really started settling into a good burning pace. People amazed me this time. It was more than I expected, it was more than I was ready for. My distaste of 500 tickets being sold faded. At one point, I sat on the stage and just looked out at everything. And smiled as some friends walked past, then smiled wider as more friends walked past, and finally fell into laughter and hugs as even more friends walked up. Everywhere I looked were people I knew, people I loved having the chance to see once or twice a year, and I realized that I do have several hundred friends after all.

The art this time showed major developments and shifts of attitude. It’s growing now, full force growing into something more, something bigger, something like what we find in the desert for a week. People are bringing more, doing more, adding more, participating more. It blows me away to see the leaps and bounds of creativity and action. It breaks me heart, my mind, me soul to see what can be done, what is being done, and realize that I have the capacity for doing so as well but I am still drowning in procrastination.

I slid into a bed of roses. I bathed in the petals that were raining down on me. I couldn’t move from where I was, so enthralled, so captured in the velveteen softness against my skin. I cried when I saw it, when the reality of a pool filled with rose petals crashed through my heart. I cried before I was inside, drowned in the scent of decadence.