spectating participant

April 29, 2004

talkin’ trash

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:27 am

Earlier this week, I placed a large sign on my monitor that said “Clean Your Desk, Please”. A day later, I moved it over to my shelf, still loudly stating “Clean Your Desk, Please”. Now it is Thursday and I can say I’ve sucessfully made progress towards cleaning my desk, I threw the sign away. Sigh.

I’m cranky and everyone else around here seem less cheerful than usual. We’re having an office party later, which I don’t want to go to just cause with my lunch, covering the phones for the recptionist’s lunch, and the party, there isn’t enough time to get work done. Sigh, another wasted week.

Also, my desk is a mess. Plus, my car is a mess. Plus, my room is a mess. Messy stressin mess. *grump*

April 28, 2004

walk softly ’round here

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:52 pm

My office is violently quiet. Coworkers are muffled or missing. Phones are nearly silent. No footsteps passing, no intercom interrupting, nothing but the sound of forced air, amplified to a stadium roar. My thoughts shout out against the silence; they are too loud in my mind. Thinking, over amplified, disrupts the calm settled around me, and I can’t seem to harness the intensity and persistence, nor do I wish to. I can’t hold myself to my chair; the hushed fog threatens to drift me away. If I stay here too long, I fear I’ll fade into the stillness; my thoughts will dissolve and become mute.

transition of time

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:59 am

When something radically changes, takes a total shift of position and loudly clanks in it’s new location, it alters time. I’ve reviewed the past days and weeks and discovered that time has rushed forward in my mind but not in real life. My mind is thinking in weeks and weeks passed, when in truth it has been less than a month. Here I’ve made the solid transition of uncertainty and questioning, to faith, trust, and expectation; no wonder it feels like I have a lake of time behind me. And now, I’ll linger patiently, wading and cooling myself in the waters, and watching the sun and moon continue to pass over me at its speed as I move along at mine.

Unlike time, nature doesn’t always secure itself to change. The weather is flowing back and forth between spring’s arrival and establishment. What was thick and hot fades back into damp and chill. Perhaps old man winter has taken a seat on summer’s tire swing. Back and forth he glides, tugging at the seasons with his laughter. Today blue skies, tomorrow light rain, soon he’ll move on settle into his much needed slumber.

April 25, 2004

reading something into it…

Filed under: books — suzanne henderson @ 9:24 pm

I’m currently reading [An Anthropologist on Mars] by [Oliver Sacks]. It is a collection of seven case studies / case descriptions of neurological diseases that are quite fascinating to explore. I’ve read about 4 of the studies so far and they have left me with all sorts of thoughts. Before getting into the one that is currently stirring up a wealth of contemplations of existence, I’ll mention my favorite to this point.

“To See and Not See” focuses on a case of a man near-lifetime blindness who has an operation to remove the cataracts on his eyes and restore sight. However, he can’t really see because he cannot make any mental-visual connection to what he ’sees’. His world has been completely tactile and non-visual.

Parents rarely consider that one of the major learning and development processes that takes places as an infant grows is the visual and mental connection of sight. As an adult we’ve had our whole lives to know that the large yellow object in the sky is the sun. Now take someone who has been blind, they cannot even comprehend what yellow is or round is (visually speaking). .

This is something we don’t even have a vocabulary for, because we cannot possible image what it would be like to exist without any representation of objects as we know it. We may mistakenly believe that a blind person simply builds a colorless world around them, but one that still takes solid form. However, the man in the story had no concept of distance, because he processed things in how long (in minutes, seconds, steps) till something else happened or was present. This isn’t someone walking around in world painted black, this is someone walking through time.

Even now, I’m lacking the words or the mental organization to convey how dynamically this essay affected me. Trying to imagine or picture living in a world so different from the one I know and then being thrust into one where suddenly everything loses all context, nothing is anything like what I thought it was, and suddenly I have no world that is mine to exist in.

“Prodigies” is the essay I’m currently reading. However, since I went into far more detail on the concept of seeing, I’ll wait till tomorrow and till I have completed this chapter to go into the discussion of multiple intelligences and also the mysterious ways of the brain.

His book makes me want to study neurology. Thankfully, I know I have not to mental capacity to pursue of that type of education. But damn this is fascinating.

April 20, 2004

snapping turtle

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:37 pm

Sunday was beautiful, perfect to be driving around with the windows down, taking the long way to where you wanted to be. On our round about way to M&M’s, we passed by a large turtle making his way across the road. So Steph stopped the car and I walked over to the rescue…

Upon closer inspection, I paused and pondered if I really wanted to help this creature. Here was a rather large rust colored turtle with the tail of a lizard. Ragged lumps lined his tail on each side and it looked way too long and thick to fit under the shell. The four legs and head also appeared to be too long, and sturdy to be tucked away at the first sign of trouble. The rear of the shell, just over the tail, was a jagged set of triangles jutting out from the shell that now looked more like armor.

Suddenly feeling less armored, I decided to thump the active creature on the back, in hopes that he would hunker down, shrivel up, and play dead until I could get him moved. That thump didn’t have the reaction I expected. In a split second, the turtle had lept, what seemed like a foot or two in the air, turned 180 degree and was ready to fight… me. I did the typical thing someone who is secure in their size, strength, and superior intelligence does, I jumped twice as high, screamed, and went running for the car. Obviously that turtle didn’t need me, I was sure it could take on the average passing SUV wihtout problem. I was happy to be back in the safety of the car and back on the road to someplace where there were not large turtles waiting for me.

April 19, 2004

windows down

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:28 pm

wow, it is so warm out. driving back from franklin’s with the windows down, it felt so much like those final weeks of high school. Midterms completed, graduation annoucements mailed out, and nothing really needing to be done. So my sis and I just tumble into the car and head off to no where, twilight feeling like it’d long past, the horizon filled with the harsh neon and drowning flood lights from a dozen fast food places. The windows down, long stands hair escaping the confines of the hair ties and flying around everywhere, brunnette and blonde hair mixing together in the following car’s headlights. The radio is too loud on speakers that can’t take it, but we don’t care and I think Motley Crew masked the distortion anyways. On to the highway, heading away from the city, just to see how far towards nowhere we could go. Oklahoma’s summer was early, as always, and forever was calling to us.

April 13, 2004

night, I miss you.

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:00 pm

Night doesn’t come here anymore. Black silhouettes of trees border the sky outside my window. Yellowed grey splashed across the sky pretending sanctuary from the sun. Damp fog hanging out of reach, unable to pull it back and find the few stars that remain. City lights have pierced the charcoal sea of silence that used to drown the trees and houses. The cuts bleed yellow and white, pushing the stars back beyond visibility. The rain left the air too crisp and bitter against my skin with it’s chilled grasp. Once, I’ve retreated under the covers, cuddled into night, and hidden in the blackness that only my pillow can provide, I’ll appreciate the wisps of wet whispers brush my cheek and ear, even if they brush me without the shimmer of starlight. How I miss the night, the nocturnal soundtrack and settled assurance that everything will rest, renew and be ready for dawn’s beckoning of life.

need sleep

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:05 pm

Today seems like an all around cranky day. Alex didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to listen to her complain. I felt bad as I drove to work, knowing our morning ended on a sour note. Work was productive, a blessing since it feels like I’ve passed weeks being unproductive. But, as soon as I was home again, alex and I were clashing.

I bought some food to make a new indian dish on Thursday. I’ll go back and use Dave and Steph’s kitchen, it’s much nicer and more useful than mine. And, I kinda like the company too, ;). I stopped by their house after food shopping to pick up some things that got left behind, most importantly my nalgene bottle and some pills (in a nice new daily organizer thanks to Steph). Seems their house was full of crankiness and Alex had a rough day as well. Guess it’s the fallout from the late night weekends and the general craziness from spring break.

So, everyone should be in their respective beds at this point. I should be sleeping, but I’m not. Got some tumbling, rumbling, grumbling emotions boiling in my head that I want to pour out. But, I don’t know how or where or if I can. For once, the intersection of lives and circles and community is to the point that I don’t want to cross the line of sharing too much information. At least before, I knew how much was okay cause my other half was just as digitally transparent as I. Now, things are unclear, heh, so many things unclear. Guess it’s just me and time, tick tick away baby.

April 12, 2004

cold, cold rain

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:02 pm

Brrrr. Where did the warm announcements of spring go? The world is gray, cold, and wet. It stole away my afternoon as I hid underneath a blanket for a few hour nap. And now I’m waking to the smell of rosemary chicken drifting upstairs.

I love being able to cook. My house is so filled of people and lacking of cooking equipment and food, I feel trapped into making nothing but simple meals all the time. And, even though the dish in the crock pot downstairs is still very simple, knowing that this kitchen is stocked with almost everything I’d need to make about anything is reassuring. I wanted to make some dinner rolls before I went to sleep, time to decide if that is going to happen or not.

Oh, and that fear about meeting Dave’s parents was complete absurd. Since Steph and I didn’t wake up in time to take the girls to Meeting for an egg hunt, we went and had breakfast with Dave’s family. I had managed to tell Dave about my fear, thankfully he didn’t laugh, and the breakfast proved that I had nothing to worry about.

Okay, off to play in the kitchen some more. Life sure is nice.

April 10, 2004

people shy?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:11 pm

I want to do laundry, but the housemates downstairs are having a small party and I don’t want to go down there to do the wash. I want to play basket ball, but there are a bunch of guys out on the court, and I don’t want to try and play around them. I want to still be at Dave and Steph’s, but there is a surprise party for Dave’s dad taking place about now. I was invited to stay, of course, but I don’t want to feel trapped around a bunch of people.

I found it strange that everything I’m wanting to do, is all being trumped with shyness. I thought I had mostly gotten past this shyness, but maybe not. Last night, I went to [de Longue], a gay bar in Wheaton, to meet up with the DC Bi-Women group. I got past my shyness enough to go, but it was slow torture waiting for someone that I didn’t know to show up. However, I survived, met some interesting women, and went home happy.

So, perhaps it wouldn’t be awkward to invade the downstairs party with my dirty clothes (ha!) or steal some court action from a bunch of hot, sweaty guys (double ha!). Well, I know the surprise party would have been a safe place to not be shy, but there is a little more to it than that. Not only am I shy of being around new people (well, some I’ve already met), but Dave’s dad and stepmom are both blind. And while it’s totally irrational and stupid, I’m afraid of feeling out of place or doing something stupid. Which sounds absolutely stupid now that I’ve typed it, but it’s still just enough to keep me home right now. Oh well, I’ll head over there later and help with cleanup and perhaps mention this stupid fear so that it doesn’t come up again.

April 8, 2004

$5.00 Steak and Beer

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:02 pm

Yesterday was so fabulous outside, I wanted nothing more than to be outside. On [channel|#playadelfuego] we got talking about dinner and I decided that I wanted steak and a beer for dinner. Of course, this is super low budget week, so I didn’t think it was possible. However, I optimistically went to the super market, found a $2.00 steak that was just enough for me and alex, and a $3 pint of Samuel Smiths at the liquor store. So, I got home, fixed up some sides, grilled the steak, and Alex and I dined like kings on the back porch. After dinner, I sat out reading and reciting poetry to alex and the birds. What a perfect way to spend the night.

April 3, 2004

front row spectating

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:52 pm

Booger’s “I’m Out of the Air Force” shindig was faboo! The absolute best part was having front and center location for watching him open the gift that several of us pitched in to get him. Everyone was whooping and hollaring and cheering. Booger just stared at it, looking it over, letting it sink in that he was holding his very own flame thrower. The energy at that momet was outstanding. Now, another reason to want [PDF|Playa del Fuego] to hurry up and get here, more fire!

Seems a lot of people are walking slowly and softly this morning. I barely made it out of bed when the alarm went off at 6:30. I don’t know how I managed it, especially seeing how I was looking at the clock just 3 hours before wondering how it managed to get so late. I need sleep. I’ll be done working soon and I think that is exactly what I’m going to do when I get home. While I wish today could be a little more productive, I’m okay with taking tiny little steps, one at a time. Thank goodness I don’t have a headache though, think that would truly do me in.

April 1, 2004

rain, rain, don’t go away

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:35 am

Lately, I’ve been sleeping deeply. There have been no mid-slumber awakenings, no tossing and turning, and no dreams fluttering my eyes open. Of course, when the alarm starts buzzing at 6:30am, I’m still hitting snooze for at least another 40 minutes of rest. This morning, the smell of rain woke me before the alarm (set to go off in just 3 more minutes).

The rain was falling outside my window, plinking on the metal shed sitting there. Blue light of morning filled the room, casting a cozy glow that suggested I curl back under the covers and snuggle up to [Sir Fuzalot]. I drifted off into sleep again, occasionally waking to hit snooze again and again, the cold, rainy breeze filling my mind with thoughts of lazy hours spent in cabins and hiding out a rain shower under a canopy of trees. I couldn’t tell if most of the memories were mine or moments of stories I had once read or heard. But, it didn’t matter; being lost in feeling was intoxicatingly good.