spectating participant

March 27, 2004

go go gadget bike

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:29 pm

Woohoo! I did 26 miles on the bike today and am so pleased with myself. When I signed up for this bike ride, I was pretty convinced I was getting in way over my head. And a little over half way through the ride, after what felt like a nonstop uphill climb, I was convinced I’d been right. I was asking Dave for the direction to the nearest metro and ready to call it a day. But, I was assured that the hills were over, there rest was mostly downhill or flat, and advised to stick it out a little longer. I did, I made it to the end with very few complaints, and now I’m walking on air.

Time to go over and wash the bike. Seems biking in the rain this morning and then all the street crud, makes for one dirty bike. Maybe I can get a nap in today somewhere before I go to pick up the vehicle for moving tomorrow.

Yay! Another excited whoop of success.

March 26, 2004

swirl and spell check

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:19 am

I use the word ’swirl’ too much, but I like it.

My page needs a serious spell check/editing session. I did this once long long ago. This was when I was still staying up too late in the UWM labs and printing was still free. Maybe I’ll remember to print out a few months worth of entries and proof them a little. There is only 447 entries on this site, shouldn’t be too hard… hahaha.

I think I will go back to posting the time that I added an entry on my site. I changed it a while ago because I didn’t want it to be so obvious when I’m wasting my time online. Now it is rarely ever during business hours anymore and I’m not so worried about it now.

We had staff-meeting-torture session this afternoon. It was as awful as it always is, but I guess I can be happy that it ended with a 3 phase applause for the development and release of bcccrc.org. Which still looks like crap in Safari, oh well. I’m not gonna stress myself over it too much, it clear and simple so it’s serves it’s purpose. Okay, sleep….

March 24, 2004

play that funky music…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:58 am

I want to stand up and dance, ignore the phone that keeps ringing at my desk, leave behind all the registrations and certificates and just dance, dance, out on clouds, out into the stars, move, twist, turn, shift, strut, spin, again and again. Music just flowing all around me, swirling the air, soaking my lips with smiles and soul with laughter. A long flowy skirt spun wide with sunshine, circling me, crashing against my legs with tingly warmth and encouragement to turn, turn, turn again. I want cymbals in my hand, tambourine against my hip, reed flute at my lips, the sounds spreading out and being devoured by the music I am lost in. I just want to move and sway, be devoured by music, and get carried away to the end.

keep the socks

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:10 am

lose the beer. I don’t want to take my socks off, but I can’t sleep in them and the tights. Had fun at beer this evening. Was happy to feel like I got to dress up as me and the way I wanted to look, and got some soxy compliments too. yay!

I think this is my last offical beer night. I finally kick my ass into gear to go, I went, and I think I’m done. Beer is over for me, nothing there to really draw me back anymore. Basically, Baltimore has really lost all of it’s charm and even something a luring as beer isn’t enough to pull me back. Dave said he’d consider my decision later, after some sleep, after some stabilization. I’ve been a bit “flaky” today but I think this beer decision will stick with me. I’ll still go up for special occasions or whatever, but it just doesn’t have that weekly draw for me anymore. I’ll make dates with those I’ll miss and call it even. So, what will be the next chapter in my life?

March 23, 2004

chilly mornings

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:14 am

Boy alex is cranky in the mornings when she doesn’t let herself go to sleep until after 11pm. I would be too, but I’m not. :) Today, I’m going to beer. I’ve been basiclly telling myself this since last week, and today it will happen, I hope–no, no no, not I hope, I will. Beer has turned into this wishy washy mess. I want to go, but for some reason, I’ll get in my car, start the engine, and then change my mind and go back inside. Don’t know if my mind is trying to completely flush Baltimore out of my system or what. But tonight, it’s decided. Ha! We’ll see…

Well it’s cold out this morning, I still love the feeling of brisk mornings. I’d love it a lot more if someone wasn’t such a grump this morning. Guess she’ll just need to go to bed early tonight. I best get dressed and head out to work. Day two with not laptop at work, on purpose.

March 22, 2004

yay compliments

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:38 pm

Today a lady complimented me on my finger nails. Something simple to most people, but since I’m still adjusting to the life of not biting them, I take it as a great compliment and pat on the back. Of course, they are now to the point of being strong enough to not break at every sideways look, and now need trimming and filing, which means work. Biting them was easier.

Got all my transcripts requested today and filled out the FAFSA renewal form. I’m looking forward to seeing what it says since last year is the first year that I actually made a real amount of money (in my opinion) the year before. So, I may get less grants for school. I hope not, but I’ll deal with it if that is the case.

Life is good. Will be a cold bike right tonight, but oh well, will try to get a short ride in at least.

March 21, 2004

shades of grey

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:48 pm

I like grey, it is my alt-favorite color and I notice that it’s poured itself all over the things I own. And today, it’s covered me as well. Soft grey sweater, dark grey pants, charcoal grey socks, and light grey shoes. Of course, I did manage to sneak a little fushia pink in there as well, just to brighten it up a little.

I feel like lots of my life has been in shades of grey. I haven’t been quite sure about which side of the line anything is on, certainly the case of matters of emotion lately. For at least a year, I’ve also been wavering between work and school. I like my job, I love the organization, but it isn’t what I want to be doing with my life. However, right now, I don’t know what I want to be doing with my life either.

But, I have finally stopped hiding in the swirl of grey. I’ve decided to go back to school full-time. I am still sad that I will have to leave my job, but I can’t stay in a position that will never lead to anything that I want to pursue.

So, I’ll keep working on this English major that I’ve poured so much time into already. I still don’t want it, but a degree is a degree just the same. I also plan to dual major or minor in Anthropology (Cultural) as well. This was an idea I had when I was a sophomore, but I didn’t want school to take 5 or 6 years to complete. I’ve realized that I have time and I should use this time to do something I enjoy.

I’ll use this degree to pursue research positions in the area of child development or youth and families for policy or program development. Something that keeps me working for children. Or I’ll just go right into working on my masters, which for this field of work, is probably the best plan of action. But I’ll plan just a degree at a time right now. Even though I made this decision a while ago, I’m still giddy over it.

March 20, 2004

transfer of power

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:13 am

It’s amazing how much taller you stand, how much longer your stride when you are strutting through the mall with 2 one-gallon cans of white gas, one in each hand. The confidence, the power, radiates from you as you move pass people with their bags of clothes. You slip down the escalator thinking of how easy it’d be to set anything on fire if you wanted. You swing the gallons as you walk, mentally daring anyone. Ha! to the world.

And then, the tables turn. The two gallons of white gas are placed on the floorboard behind the passenger seat of your car. As soon as you’ve turned the ignition, all of the extremely unlikely what-if scenarios that could possibly happen (maybe) start to play in the back of your mind. As you drive, the fuel taunts you with its slish, slosh against the metal can each time you accelerate, each time to decelerate. Now, you shrink back in your chair, you shrug off that tinge of unreasonable fear that is creeping out of the backseat. Ha! says the world.

March 15, 2004

at first I was worried,

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:56 pm

now I’m more scared. The drive back to work from lunch was insane. I’ve never seen so many people driving so poorly in such a short span of time. The repeated, zipping through lanes in a very narrow 3-lane construction zone, bordered by Jersey barriers on each side, the intentional tail gating to deny someone lane access, the cutoffs in exit lanes, the near side swipping of 2 semis by a hurried jetta. Then as I was considering the poor driving and remembering how [Rob|Rob Carlson] would post up tag numbers of stupid drivers, and the car I’d been following, suddenly just stops paying attention and drifts off to the side of the road and loses a side mirror to the Jersey barrier. Freaking crazy, I say.

On a better note, great weekend! Alex and Alex got the spend lots of time together, at our place, alex’s place, and M&M’s house too. Saturday night, I went to Illya’s party. Got to spin fire and enjoyed it, it’s been a while. I want to play around some tonight, maybe I will.

March 10, 2004

too much thought

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:09 pm

I feel mentally exhausted at 23, how sad. Don’t know if I’m just slipping into a mild situational depression or what. I’ve gone through old things, realized that I would have a degree now had I not decided to put my life on hold and move East. And now, I have no degree, no direction of what kind of degree I want, and no way to truly pursue it. I still want to go back to going to school full time, but that would have me leave a job that I believe in the company just to add another 1 year employment position to my resume and make it look even more pathetic.

This is all so frustrating right now. I’m not coming up with anything in my life that feels like it’s where it should be. Even things with Alex have been frustrating lately to where that feels off balanced too. Sigh.

March 9, 2004

questions and doubts

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:55 pm

Where do I want to be? What do I want to be doing there?

Am I supposed to know the answers to these questions? What does it say about me when I don’t?

I’m in this giant swirl of uncertainties, where am I at? why am I here? I’ve been pondering my general plans of what I want done in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. However, I don’t know what I want accomplished in any of those years. I’ve worked out a plan for buying a house within 3 years, I’ve sat down and worked on the numbers, drawn up a plan of action, and thought that is what I am supposed to do. But, why?

I feel no desire to own a piece of land. Seems like it’d be a waste of space for just Alex and myself. I don’t know that I even want to be in this area in 3 years, much less locking myself to it with a mortgage. I do know that I want to be out of Casa del Portuguese and I don’t want to keep throwing away money on rent every month. But does the only alternative have to be purchasing a house? Perhaps I should get a house, move my mother and grandmother into it, and at least make my mom feel like I’m doing something for the family. Of course, how long would that last?

I’m feeling dissappointed in ambition, dissppointed in myself for obviously lacking it. I still want to change the world, but no longer sure how to go about doing it. And if it takes 5 and 10 year plans to make it happen, perhaps I’m not cut out for it.

March 5, 2004

how to learn a new language?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:42 am

I live in a house with 7 other predominantly Portuguese speaking people. Now, I didn’t think this would be a problem when I moved in and I still don’t think it’s a problem. However, I would like to learn Portuguese. I have access to people to practice with, my comfort lever is rising to the point that I can feel comfortable speaking like a fool around them. It is just a matter of figuring out how to make this work. Alex (not mine) thinks all I need to do is listen to the TV and consult the Portuguese-Enligsh dictionary. I think it’ll take a little more than that. Oh well, something will eventually work out.

Another little joy, really just a continuation of yesterdays. I’m starting to feel more at home where I’m living. Oh and one plus to the language difference, since I don’t understand what is being said, I don’t unintentionally pay attention to the conversation or let it distract me from what I’m doing.

March 3, 2004

little joys

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:33 pm

1. I bought my burning man ticket. Yes, I was one of the fools who woke up at 3am to do it. No, I didn’t get it then, I went back to sleep and got it at 7am when I got up for work.

2. I have fingernails. I don’t have the lip ring anymore that helped me be stop biting them, but thats okay, I don’t even miss it.

3. Socks are awesome. Even in way too warm weather, they feel pretty cool to have on.

4. My daughter loves me and happily tells me so. That kid rocks.

5. Even in a house full of people I barely understand, I feel welcomed and genuinely interested in.

6. I’m creative.

March 1, 2004

a night of addictions

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:34 pm

I almost bought more [socks] a couple hours ago. Luckily I looked at my bank account first. I forgot that I’d finally paid most of my upcoming expenses, so no more socks for me for a while.

And now, I’m on DVD number two of Sex in the City episodes. Mmmmm, impossible to just stop watching them. I have homework due in the morning, but need to get through this second disc before I’ll even get a chance to look at what the assignment entails.

Oh, self indulgence is a wonderful thing. So good in fact, I think I’ll go get the Karmel Sutra ice cream out of the freezer. Yummm. Yeah, Ben and Jerry’s addiction part duex today, butter pecan earlier….


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:04 pm

My [socks] showed up today and a sockgasm ensued. I’d barely set my stuff down when I had the package open and was pulling out pair after pair of socks. It was so sexyily fun. I never knew that I could get so turned on putting on socks before, and this was just putting them on myself. I’m impressed. It was so hard wanting to try them all on, but not wanting to take off the ones I’d already put on. They simply felt so good.

I now have some 50-inch long socks, longer socks, green striped socks, gray knee high socks, silky star socks, sweater leg warmers, fire leg warmers, bright pink stripped thigh highs, black and white stripped thigh highs, and sheer thigh highs with vertical stripes. Oh a whole tangled mess of socks all over the bed now too, think i’ll just lie in them for a while.

I want to order more socks, that experience was better than chocolate. Let me do it again…