spectating participant

February 4, 2003

nothing on the top..

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:28 pm

“nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds. ThereÆs a lot up there, but don’t be scared, who needs answers when you’ve got words.” I’m not ever sure if that is the exact words or not, it’s been so long since I’ve actually heard that song. But thatÆs about the mood I’m in.

As for hitting the top, I’m still high a kite but not in the messed up drugged sense. Gotta love soaring through the air, feeling feathers fluttering at your back, and acting like the world doesn’t matter. But even when I’m flying, I can still feel the feathers falling out, tickling my ankle as the starting heading down. Took my [lithium|lithium carbonate] for the first time in months today. I’ve been out way too late for 3 of the past 4 nights, rationalizing crazy ideas like wild excursions to other parts of the world, and walking around with that it-could-almost-be-a-heart-attack-tightness in my chest that is really just the digestions of a million thoughts and five thousand feeling all colliding at once. This manic trip has actually scared me enough to do something about it before it gets too bad. It’s the strongest phase I’ve had since the last one that left me standing on a beach at midnight. In a sense, I think it could be fun to let it play out, but I know what that brings when it does finally finish. I got a damn fine job and boyfriend that I’m so happy with, can’t risk messing up either of those things.

Oh, and manic or nonmanic, I’m planning to use the study money from John Hopkins to go somewhere. I so need to get away. Not that I don’t get chances to do a lot of stuff on my own now, I just need to take some kind of trip before I really go crazy and end up in Africa or something crazy like that.