spectating participant


December 31, 2003

New Years Eve Fun

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:58 pm

Alex and I are spending NYE at home. At first I was a disappointed at the lack of socialization involved, but now, as I post this wearing my ‘Chicks with Brains’ fleece pajamas and listening to the music I like, I’m happy to be home.

We toasted up some tasty bagel bites to munch on. I tried a new drink recipe that I found online: vodka, chocolate, strawberries, and ice. The drink looks pretty tasty, but it’s not. I think I’ll just stop there for the night.

Alex found a new site: myscene.com She’s moving out of childhood and into those years of ‘girl stuff’. One Section talks about adding rainbow colored stripes to your hair (with instructions). I was excited until I saw that in only included a trip to the store to buy some clip in coloring. I’d be willing to go ahead and bleach and die Alex’s hair if she wanted.

Tried another sip of the drink, it’s still terrible. Oh well. It was worth the attempt. At least it gave me a chance to play with the food processor again.

Yay, intellectual questions from alex: What is more important, protecting people from being attacked by wolves or pumping the bellows to keep the fire going to make the iron?

seasons’ change

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:13 am

Before I left for Wisconsin, I had option of getting a christmas gift early. I passed since I wasn’t in the holiday spirit and figured it could wait until I got back. I’m glad I waited.

With perfect timing, I got a spectacular gift of seasons. In a beautiful frame, there were four photo: winter, spring, summer, and fall. Each image captured the season beautifully and reminded me of the simple beauty that’s in the randomness of life. It was such a perfect gift, I love it. I can’t wait to hang it up.

In addition to the four seasons, I also received a framed image of a moment at [Burning Man]. I love the image, the smile on my face, in my eyes, and the dust everywhere. Now I understand why people take pictures while they are there, because when we are back home in mundania, it is nice to think back on those moments.

I will go through my photos and pick out some that I’d like printed. I know I want to do a series of photos from my graveyard selection. One statue in particular has really caught my eye lately. And of course, the nature photos are always a nice draw. Perhaps I can get enough to do a wall of season to go with the gift.

It sure is nice to feel a little more connected to inspiration and creativity.

December 30, 2003

other distractions

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:46 pm

Life has got me tangled up to the point that I won’t be writing here for a while. Perhaps something interesting will catch my eye, perhaps the cat will stop biting my tongue, but until then this space will be a little bare.

Of course, hoping that by writing that, it won’t actually happen. But we’ll have to wait and see on that on. Going to work tomorrow, first time since the 18th, and then I’ll be off until Jan. 5th. Winter breaks are nice.

December 27, 2003

thoughts from wisconsin…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:20 pm

I wrote this while I was in Wisconsin, posting it now:

so much in what feels like so little time. being in wisconsin is bliss. i have missed this place so much, my heart has ached and pined for the lake, for the trees, for the energy that floats in the air here. just sitting here, I feel my soul being refilled and replenished.

being away from this place hurts. my heart stutters, teeth clench and chest tightens at the thought of leaving it again.

camping at point beach was a slow transition into being back. The lake hasn’t changed, it still pulls me in close and centers me. the winds rustled the trees, keeping the lakes energy sprinkled on everything. I could wake and run to the beach, running along the icy shore, losing myself in the air. At night, I watched the waves splash below the stars. Each moment opening me back up, uncurling the longing-tension and erasing disappointments that had settled into my limbs.

i love this place so much. it’ll be so hard to leave, so hard to pull myself away again, i’m getting close to normal again, feeling the world spinning at the same rate as my constant dance of emotions. how can a place have so much control over me? i long for spring and summer and fall, wanting to tuck it all into the week that I am here. I want to spend an afternoon laying under the trees in lake park. i want to run through the leaves of fall, tossing them at a laughing alex.

Thankfully, Wisconsin gets to hold my heart and cradle my mind for several more days. I am so grateful that I got to be here. I now realize that a major portion of my sanity is closely tied with feeling connected and centered in the place I am. I wish I knew why wisconsin has that ability but not baltimore. i feel so alive and vibrant and patient and giving and full of so many opportunities and possibilities when I’m here. I’ve done very little to talk of, just existed and reestablished a lost connection.

December 25, 2003

Wisconsin Anyone?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 5:20 pm

Yes, I’m still in Wisconsin and already considering another trip back. It’s about time I recommit to crazy road trips and going to different events outside of Maryland. So, the Third Ever Christmas Tree burn will be the last weekend in January at the Wildlife Refuge. They have already committed to have more trees than ever. I think last year there were 48 trees. So, this will be one roaring fire and a damn fine time.

Dingo! You need to go to this. Rob, time to get yourself out of Maryland. And lets see, who else needs a crazy road trip…..

burning wheel site has more information.

December 23, 2003

brrrr

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:27 am

In Wisconsin now. Finding better things to do than be online, but still figured I would post something. Feeling much better about life in general and like I’m connected to the world again. Don’t know how it is that being here and away from Baltimore gives me this feeling, but right now I’m enjoying it.

I’m missing Rob a lot, I keep thinking of all the stuff we could be doing and get sad he isn’t here. The burn was great, but also full of moments that I stopped to remember moments 2 years ago when I had just discovered this really amazing guy and how I wanted to spend every minute with him that I could. Damn, I’m lucky, because I’ll get to go home to him soon. Love you Rob, very much, and can’t wait to get home and tell you so.

December 16, 2003

things like this…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:49 pm

make being a mother worth every minute.

I love you so much XXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXOOOOOXXXOO, To: Mom From: Alexis

December 11, 2003

surreal

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:55 pm

I’m sitting at a stoplight, watching the signal. Baltimore’s silhouette of row houses and cathedrals brood before me. The sky is pale blue, the blue of a lazy summer day. Thick fluffy clouds are scattered everywhere, brilliantly white with sunshine. I see the stoplight and the cathedralís steeple, the clouds zip by- speeding the day away. I feel that I’m frozen and time is moving on without me. Life is no longer important, it has realized it’s purpose and place and doesnít need me tagging along anymore. I’m disconnected from everything. Then, the light turns green, and life starts again.

December 9, 2003

santa baby

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:55 pm

[Santarchy 2003] happens this weekend. Last year I wore the hefty suit my mom made for a santa many, many pounds and inches thicker than me. The end result: warm and baggy all day long. It made for good taveling wear, got where I was going without any chills, but definatly lacking in the sexiness department.

[Dustin Smith]’s suggestion: “I recommend that all the ladies go for sexy.
We’ll keep you warm…” has got me reconsidering my santa-attire.

This year, I’ll wear the santa suit I bought back in 2001. I’ll throw on my corset, tied loose to make it through a whole day of taveling about on foot. I’m trying to decide on how to keep myself warm. Socks would be great, but the ones that would really keep me warm are way out of my budget. However, the red and white stripped thigh highs would be a lot of fun. They are resonably warm, when faced with nothing on the leg, and cheap too, just $5 +$3 to get them here by Saturday. Aww, but nah, can’t be buying socks. Too many other obligations right now.

So instead, I’m thinking a nice pair of tights, red? green? black?, with the white fishnet thigh highs held up by a white garter belt. Maybe I can put together a white fur cape to wear with it and keep warm. I’ll check the craft stores for some felt remnants. I have some green and red velvet I could line it with, but not sure I want to use those nice fabric cuts for this project.

So yes, this year, it’ll be sexy santa. There is a holiday party that night sponsered by [CPN|Chesapeak Polyamory Network]. They said to show up with a holiday themed costume, I’ll have that covered. But I doubt I could do Santarchy and get to Silver Spring between 6pm - 12am, oh well, why buck the trend of missing every event they hold?

one step back…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:30 pm

I wasn’t able to register for the Biology 110 class that I need to take to get started toward the EMT program. The CCBC site has been down or had various errors the past several weeks that I’ve accessed it. Today, I was happy to finally get through, but only to find the one session that I could fit in my schedule was closed already. Damn.

Wrote the professor, hoping to still be able to squeeze in if possible, and if not, guess I’ll have to find something else. I’d already worked out this schedule with work and with Rob, I don’t want to have to start over trying to plan out a work, school, and family life. Full time schooling sounds more and more appealing all the time. If only it was possible to lead a double life or something.

December 6, 2003

sock wish list

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:16 pm

I love my new socks. I bought them a week or so ago and they are great. I’m wearing 2 of the 3 things I bought right now in fact; the purple and black stripped socks and the rainbow leg warmers.

Here is my current sock wish list, [honey|rob carlson]. Colors, grey, black, cream are good. Crazy colors are good too.

black velvet thigh highs
50 inch socks
100 inch socks
angora, nylon, lambswool leg warmers
fuzzy leg warmers
kilt socks
any striped socks
top stripes
Red Angora Thigh Highs

snow bunny

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:18 am

Baltimore is on it’s second day of snow, the first snow of the winter. Today was a [snow day] for [Baltimore County Public Schools] and [UMBC]. Alex and I went to work anyways. Afterwards, we stopped at [Rob|Rob Banz]’s house for a small holiday gathering. Once it was way past late, we headed home finally - in the snow.

The snow is coming down at a decent rate, it feels like Wisconsin and I’m happy. Driving along 83, adjusting to my car on snow (which I had plenty of practice this morning) and looking forward to my warm bed.

Flashing lights ahead. There’s been an accident and 83 is just now starting to be blocked. I’m shuffled off to Falls road, way further South that I want to be on city streets. Not for the fear of the neighborhood, but because I know I don’t want to take city roads the whole way home. But, here I am on Falls Road, committed to stop lights and less salted/plowed roads.

The drive is nice; I’ve got the starting and stopping down. It all comes back to me quickly, the many nights driving home from University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee campus in the snow has all come back to me. I’m in my element. I turn East on Northern Parkway, and settle in for the reminiscent drive home.

I’m mentally complimenting myself on how well I can manage the drive. The road is empty and I can just enjoy the slow maneuvers that keep me perfectly in-lane for my drive. I can ignore the late hour and just enjoy the moment. Then I see it - hop. hop. hop.

A bunny has skittered into my path; hopping along in the moonlight, enjoying the night, and then it stops - directly in front of my car. I spend a moment admiring it’s cuteness, but I realize that there is nothing I can do for this bunny. It’s late. It’s been raining. It’s snowing. It’s impossible to avoid this stationary bunny.

He takes a quick jump backwards and freezes again just as I loose sight of him. “Please, please just don’t move,” I pray, hoping to narrowly missing him by straddling him between the wheels. And then - thump. He didn’t stay still, he panicked as any animal or being would, he ran - right beneath my tire.

I couldn’t stop the impulsary look back, the dreaded look in the rearview mirror that haunts you forever, the sad image of the a fallen bunny, still brightly dark against the all white canvas, not yet covered with snow. And then my senses hit full power.

The local college radio station is playing nothing but melodramatic melodies. Sad notes tangling themselves with my mournful groans, “Oh, oh, ohhhh.” My daughter tries to comfort me, she points out that there are many other bunnies and that no one means to run over an animal. I’m not reassured; I feel terrible.

The drive is spoiled, all reminiscence of the glory days of Wisconsin died with that thump. Now, I spot every lump and dark spot on the road. I can’t help looking, wondering if it is another snow bunny lost to the night. Dread sneaks in around my hands and arms and eyes. I grow tired, tired of driving, tired of endangering innocent life.

December 4, 2003

late again?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:08 am

As Iím driving to work, I look around and wonder how many of the cars are running late like me. Sometimes itís noticeable, the impatient side-view mirror glances and the jutting through traffic. Those arenít the people Iím interested in. I wonder about the ones who are always late, every morning, no matter how hard they try.

I glance over at the driver of a white SUV, is she wondering if today will be the day? The day her boss stops in and confronts her about it. Is the driver of the green minivan scared that his tardiness will be the tip of the iceberg; that he may come to find someone else has been hired for his position, that he will no longer get the paycheck that pays the mortgage? Has the driver of the black camry just given up, just accepted that it is expected that he will be late, and knows that as long as he gets his work done it will all work out in the end?

I wonder what happens when they get to work today. Iím guessing theyíll walk past their receptionist, smile and say hi, both knowing that it is half an hour past opening but neither one acknowledging it. They will probably walk back to their desk and shuffle some work on their desk before heading off to get their morning coffee. Then theyíll take the final walk back to their desk, still afraid their boss will be waiting for them, but comforted by the drink in their hand and the hopefully believable conclusion that they were here on time, just off getting the day started in the break room. At least, that is what will happen when I get to work and then Iíll dive into work as I sip my tea.

December 3, 2003

argh

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:51 pm

my bank account is messed up. blah, gotta figure out something very creative, very quick. Ended up bouncing two checks by forgetting about one, and it’s all downhill from there. Then $70+ in fees from my bank, it now putting me that much short on this upcoming payday. Wish I’d checked my schedule payments sooner so that I could have canceled or delayed a couple. So, thanks to me being stupid and the fact that this was already a tight check with car insurance, child care, laptop, and sears payment, looks like I’ll still be running negative.

I wonder if there is anything I own that I could sell. Might be looking at a temp loan of some sorts just to get to the next payday where I can clear it all up. Sigh, bad timing.

December 2, 2003

boxed

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:30 pm

“I’m a rat sorted into a box with things I like. Then each thing is taken away until nothing is left. Now, I’m trapped within 4 walls and no way out.”

I’ve been crawling out of my head lately. It is these feelings that make me desperately miss Milwaukee. The lake could always pull me back together. The lapping of the water would guide me back into life’s rhythm and the stars would draw out my reason to be. I don’t have that in Baltimore and I need it. I’m searching, looking in all sorts of places, but am still empty handed.

Last night I got a chance to just be, not be someone or something, but just be and exists in the moment. That helped a lot, yet it isn’t a very accessible solution. It comforts me to have friends that I can just disappear around and get a small break from my mind without justifying or explaining or being fixed, but I’d rather have a lake to turn to.

When living in Milwaukee, I’d run out at odd hours of the night to walk along the water. Or, I’d grab a bike and just get close enough to hear the night echoed off of it. The lake is so large and inviting and always available for whenever I needed it. Replacing it’s ability to center me isn’t easy.

December 1, 2003

no more pigtails

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:02 am

My extensions are already out. I’m very sad about it, but it had to be done. The first product I bought to help relieve some of the itchiness really irritated my scalp. I went a couple days without anything on my head, but the itching was getting to be too much. So Sunday I bought something else and tried it. I only tried a little bit that afternoon and it didn’t seem to help a whole lot. Sunday night, I decided to do a very thorough job on my scalp and got it well covered. Within ten minutes, my scalp was itching like crazy. I decided to shower and wash the stuff off, but that didn’t help cause the stuff wasn’t really coming off. Then it started to feel like it was burning.

Finally, I begged Rob to get up with me and help me take them out. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was hard to sit still while he worked on them, but finally they were out. It was so sad seeing all the hair on the floor, but it had to be done. My hair looked pretty strange once the braids were out. Immediately, I went and scrubbed my head with dish soap a few times and finally got all of the new product out. But, my head was still very sore. The blisters were worse than before and even now, the next morning, it still hurts and itches.

I’m so sad about this. I really wanted to have long hair for a while. And I really wanted to be able to get it done a couple times. In some ways, I keep think if I’d never put anything on my head, it wouldn’t have been so bad. But I’m not so sure about that. It really was a bad week and I don’t think I’ll risk having that happen again.

Iím now considering letting my hair grow out again, but I know it wonít ever be that thick. Perhaps I can give the micro ring method a tryÖ