spectating participant

October 31, 2003

too many choices

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:13 pm

I can’t decide what to make for dinner. I want to make all sorts of stuff, like soup and chili and burritos. I’m not sure which one I should make. Well, I’m hungry now so I’ll start with the burritos….

October 30, 2003

group holiday

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:34 pm

Hmmm… [Amy|Amy LaPerla] mentioned going to Berkley Springs for her birthday in january. She posted a link to River House bed and breakfast. It looks nice.

What I would like is to actually have several friends go on a vacation together, perhaps to something like this, a small B&B where we all get our own spaces, but still have each other’s company too.

I love places like that. I wish that I could have spent more time at [Cottonwood Inn] this spring. I wonder if something like that would even be possible or if anyone I know (I do have two couples in mind already) would want to do something like that.

Book Review: Life of Pi

Filed under: life — suzanne henderson @ 2:59 pm

fiction novel by Yann Marte

Interesting hodgepodge of information in this book. Young boy growing up as a Zoo Keeper’s son in India ends up stranded in the ocean.

I kinda liked it and I kinda didn’t. Wish I could provide more information as to why. It sucked me in because someone had recommended I read it and I took it along to places where reading was the only thing to do. Certain topics were very interesting and other’s were kinda dull. The book ran with tangents, often. I liked most of them and it did hold a believable quality of a story one tells of their life. Of course, how many people have life stories worth writing a book about? even a fictional life isn’t that interesting.

This was another book that held great attention to detail and I loved that about it. Small intricate details really bring stories to life for me, and this story did a good job feeding me just enough to keep reading. And for once, it was a book I finished reading and didn’t really feel the need to know or read more.

life status: scheduled

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:17 pm

feel like my life is all rows and columns and dates and obligations and expectations and appointments and regulations. I’m not sure if I like it this way or not. things are much more level and balanced and predictable right now, but still feels strange.

got some new exciting things happening after next week. I want next week to get here already, but I have to wait. so, till then I’ll just think about what this new change will be like and further talk myself into. should have lots of good motivation going into it. might also be getting my hair done too. [Foxy Faux] is a new service in Columbia that will be doing it. We just gotta work out the final details of having enough hair and when we both have time to do it. whee!

October 29, 2003

too much technology

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:36 pm

For Media-Savvy Tots

Of course, Alex now has her own computer and soon her own email address. Rob is gonna set it up tonight, I wonder if she cares. How much of this does she do cause we give it to her and how much does she actually want to do?

I’m happy she would still rather spend her time outside or with friends. Tonight I’m finally gonna get a chance to do some [floor time] with her. Monday and Tuesdays are such a waste, I get no family time at all. I get home after everyone is asleep and just wake up and rush off to work. I need a way to make that work a little better for me.

October 28, 2003

age happens

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:43 am

no longer is it out there — that someday
or the eventually.
age happens now.
the eyes have changed, the lips look different,
the cheeks tell your annual lies.

why don’t I feel older?
why can’t I see the mental difference of age?
I wish someone had told the younger me that age doesn’t bring knowledge or wisdom. instead, it brings time. empty time, lacking the all-knowing power I thought it had. Why couldn’t someone tell me that I won’t know any more, I won’t know any better when I’m grown? Perhaps I would have wasted less youth waiting for age.

brewer’s art on monday

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:30 am

So, I managed to have a conversation with a complete stranger about everything and nothing. Thats how the typical “pick up” is supposed to work. Not really aiming at anything concrete, just grasping for a little conversation…

Oh yes, dark haired beauty, deep lips, defined eyes, saunter, walk step, true style beauty. Her look stalls me. Walk on with serious contemplate, ignore the looks, the glances, the stares on your face. Oh how you rise above everyone else, seductive dismissiveness pushing me away.

Your lips haven’t parted, you don’t even offer a smile my way. Your eyes too harsh, hardened in the barlight and push me back further. That cigarette hanging from your lips, the scarf wrapped around a delicate neck. Sleek black, your look, accented with wine.

I want to push back your dark curl, that soft flip of hair on your cheek, fingertips brushing against your skin, careful to not be noticed as too much, too tender, too wanting.

You wouldn’t notice the tap.tip.tip.tap of my heart, quickened by your smile, the sly flash of realization in your eyes. Would it be okay if I leaned just a little closer, my lips tasting your fragrance, soft, tender brush of intimacy.

Pulling back in intimidation, your presence too bold, too sharp, too hard for my eagerness to embrace. Back into the shadows, held up by the brick walls, retreating into my beer, my pen, and thinking of ways it could have been.

October 27, 2003

rainy monday

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:41 pm

wanted to sleep in this morning, but I didn’t. Actually enjoying the rain for a chance. Nice to let everything get washed off a little. Of course, I’m still terrified of driving in the rain. I can’t help being so nervous. Guess I’ve just lost or almost lost too many people to car accidents in the rain.

[WYPR] has their membership driving going on. I know that I listen to too much public radio when there seems to be a membership drive happening every other week. I’m actually considering joining. Joined the [ACLU], might as well keep joining the ranks of the political leftists. I’ll think on it just a little bit more…

October 26, 2003


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:44 am

Finally got some pictures online:

Dupont Circle Spin Jam from June.

Random Antique Images - not so impressive, but I still like them.

Parkville Spin Jam from August.

Burning Man 2003 - very few pictures, I was more interested in just looking and doing.

Green Ridge Hike - this was a fantastic hike with some great views.

October 25, 2003

pumpkin sushi

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:10 pm

Last night’s [sushi] party was great. I’ve never seen so much sushi sitting before me at one time before. Wow. Lots of people showed up and we had a nice evening talking and rolling rice. We had some really pretty pieces, I’m sure rob got some pictures of them. Alex even rolled a few and made some nigiri.

Today we went to [Weber’s Farm]. We bought the 4 best looking pumpkins ever. Then we had some apple cider and carmel apples, went on a hay ride, and explored a hay bale maze. It was a great afternoon. I found the place after googling for [maryland pumpkin farm] and found Maryland Pumpkin Patch Listing from the [Maryland Department of Agriculture].

Days like this make me glad I have my family. I love them so much.

October 23, 2003

geek tools

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:01 pm

I need an online application that I can put on my site ( i don’t want to connect to any third party sites ) that I can sync up (or export to) my palm desktop files. I want my calendar online!

Oh, rob posted this on irc tonight, tooooo funny:
[08:26PM] [iMac:~] robcarlson% sudo su alexhenderson
[08:26PM] [iMac:/Users/robcarlson] alexishenderson% osascript -e ‘tell application “iChat” to run’
[08:26PM] Rob Carlson: pick a book please
[08:27PM] bwahahahahahahahahahahahah

October 21, 2003


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:32 pm

It is no surprise that I want kids. I’ve always wanted 7, yes seven, and looked forward to the day that I would have more than one. Of course, I feel surrounded by a non-child-friendly environment. Almost all of my friends are kid-less and it feels so strange sometimes. Maybe because I moved from an environment where most of the people I knew had children, or because I feel out of place for wanting them when it seems that no one else does.

I often feel guilty bringing alex to events and social gatherings where there are no other kids around. I worry that I drag her through too many adult events. I’m sure it would be much nicer if we were going to BBQ’s where she would have a few more people to play with. But we aren’t friends with enough people who have kids. At least when we have parties at our house, alex has the neighborhood kids to play with.

Even though I’ve always wanted more kids, I can’t really imagine having more with this group of people. There is a big shift when you have an infant to bring with you everywhere and suddenly you can feel very isolated from all your childless friends. I’ve done that before and not to sure I’m interested in doing it again.

Oh what a challenge, figuring out a way to balance my desire to have more kids and realistic ways to fit another on into my life. Add to that the fact that Alex keeps getting older and starting over again seems less and less appealing as the months and years pass.

October 20, 2003

mid-term season

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:40 pm

yep, it’s that time, tests! supposed to be studying, but I think I’m done. Not so sure that I can think of anything else I didn’t already learn. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever learn to study. Of course, I’m sure I’ll be cursing myself once today is done and I realize that I needed to study more. Oh well. Tomorrow’s test is the one I’m actually worried about. Philosophy is actually much harder than I thought it was going to be.

Well, gonna work on some fishy stuff right now.

October 19, 2003

spectacular weekend

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:40 pm

A couple weeks ago, [Dave|Dave Diller] suggest a consolation hike for me deciding to not skip [PDf|Playa del Fuego] and go to [Wisconsin]. So, after working Saturday morning, Dave, [Rob|Rob Carlson], [Alex], and Nicky (dog) and I headed out west to [Green Ridge State Forest].

The hike was wonderful, full of fresh air, falling leaves, and brilliant colors. The trail kept leading us across a river and finding ways to get across without getting wet (or too wet at times) was a lot of fun. Alex enjoyed the hike and kept up with us the whole time. I was thoroughly impressed. I don’t know how far we hiked in all, hoping that Rob or Dave will know.

Sunday morning, Dave, Alex, and I headed to downtown Baltimore for the [Tour du Port] bike ride. Alex and I registered for the 8 mile family ride and Dave registered for the 22 mile ride.

It was a little chilly at first, but once we got going it warmed up. The family ride led us through some very nice areas of Federal Hill, including around the Federal Hill park which offered up a beautiful view of the [inner harbor]. We eventually made out way to [Fort McHenry] and stop to check out the Salt Marsh and watch some boats sail by. Again, Alex impressed me by keeping up and seeming to really be enjoying herself. We got back to the starting point, enjoyed lunch in the harbor, and relaxed as we waited for Dave to finish.

I was tired by the time we got back home and happy to find that we now have a bed. Rob and I went to [IKEA] to buy a bed frame and sheets. It didn’t take long to assemble once we got back home and last night we finally slept in our bedroom on a normal size (queen) bed. It was fantastic.

Also this weekend, Kathleen moved out. I’m kinda sad that she won’t be around, but I’m sure she will be happy to not have to deal with our mess at home. Of course, seems that rob and I are gonna finally get things back in order again. It will certainly help both of our mental spaces if our physical spaces are looking better. Oh, and I’ll have my room back! Yay!

October 17, 2003

oh really?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:38 am

am I’m transparent? sometimes it feels that way. I’ll make some side comment just to have someone enthusiastically and sarcastically confirm it. Didn’t realize I was so see-through. Of course, at the same time, got an email from a friend who mentions that I’m closed off and unreadable. So, maybe it’s just based on closeness. Guess I would expect someone I see all the time to be a little more intune with whats happening in my life and how I’m feeling about different things.

October 16, 2003


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:29 pm

ick, not feeling to well today. can’t tell if it’s the leftover dizziness from this weekend, general stress, the 1200mg of lithium, work mess, the lasagna, or just nerves in general. sigh, need a break from these feelings for a little while. tried napping under my desk at work, that didn’t help much. maybe I can get everything finished up early and head home early.

October 15, 2003

will the world still love me?

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:42 pm

will it still love me if I do things that are selfish? if I do things only for myself? have I just placed innumerable fears on things outside of me, afraid that I’m always making the wrong step in my own life? when did I hand my life over to someone else and let them pass judgment? everything is a mess right now, I’m sure I made it that way and now I simply have to figure out where to start to clean it up. Going home to clean in fact, find my living room, find the floor.

mentally listening to the lyrics of a patty lovelace song…

October 14, 2003

back on track

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:16 am

I actually woke up early this morning and got to work on time. Alex got to go to [open door] for a change, that made her happy. And I’m actually getting work done in the office. however, I still feel completely exhausted. My body still doesn’t want to function and my mind is a little slow.

I’m prolly going to get my ham license now. I liked the radio I was playing with all weekend and want one like it to use all the time. Yay!

October 13, 2003

home, tired, dizzy

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:26 pm

wow! best [PDF|playa del fuego] ever. no rain, just a damn fine time. home and alive, not mentally functioning just yet, very dizzy for some reason, but wanted to say, thanks! everyone made it a great time.


October 6, 2003

“don’t pout TOO much”

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:15 pm

“why not, no one loves me?” Yeah, and it’s true, no one loves me anymore. [Deeply Rooted] fired me. I’ll no longer be doing their website. One lady it did it nicely, Derrick did it… Derrickly. Oh well, guess I don’t mind since I don’t have time to do the site. And if there are people who are gonna actually do it, then great. Of course, to be my sarcastic self, I’ve heard that before, and all I was ever doing was waiting for some information to put up there, but it never came.

my intro to interpreting teacher doesn’t like me. I got an assignment confused with another assignment that was due. when telling her that once I got to class an overheard everyone else talking about it, I realize i had turned in the wrong one and would be able to turn in the completed assignment the very next day (after letting her know that I did turn in what I thought was the assignment). No go, still gonna get penalized for having a late assignment. She’s not very nice. Oh well, of course it’s my fucking fault I screwed up, so wah, can’t pout too much now can I?

My mom’s back to being all fussy like with me to since alex wants to go to PDF. Seesh people, get over it, time to leave behind your ultraconservative opinions, open your mind just a crack for a change, and finally realize that perhaps just cause I parent a little differently, doesn’t mean my daughters going to suddenly turn into some evil-doing, satan worshipping nymph.

mt plugins

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:33 pm

playing with mt-rebuild, hoping to get some more [crontab] stuff going so that my site is a little more current with [fishy]/[epistolary]. I like this stuff. Pretty soon I’ll have a new site design up, already tired of this one.

yom kippur

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:39 am

[Baltimore County Public Schools] are closed today for Yom Kippur. So,
Alex is at work with me. I’m glad she doesn’t seem to mind being dragged along. She’s always very quite and gets really nice compliments from everyone. Today she even has her own desk and cubicle to sit in.

I registered for the [Tour du Port] bike ride today. Looking forward to it already. [PDF|Playa del Fuego] is this week, I’m not looking forward to it just yet. Still have lots that needs done, sigh.

October 4, 2003

Book/Movie Review: Girl, Interrupted

Filed under: movies, review, books — suzanne henderson @ 3:44 pm

the book by Susanna Kaysen:

Based on the author’s mental institution hospitalization in the 1960’s. Book is humerous and serious at the same time. The reader is not beat up with everything that is wrong with mental institutions or the reason’s people go there, instead you’re just given one person’s insight on her time in one. Kaysen makes a good point that you can find ‘normal’ people there and some people just get stuck and never leave.

Book is easy to read, great on a rainy afternoon. If you like this one, recommend Just Checking and Prozac Nation.

movie based on the book:

It follows the book perfectly. I couldn’t remember if I saw the movie first or read the book first, either way it doesn’t matter since they are identical. I liked it as much as I like the book, plus Angelina Jolie is in it and that is enough for me.

update: since reading the book/watching the movie and writing this review, I’ve wondered more about some of the concepts in the movie. Mainly because of another movie that I recently watched about a girl that has to go to a convent because she got pregnant but is never able to leave. I don’t recall the title at the moment, but it had me rethinking the physical imprisonment of young girls either in any type of institution.

Book Review: Just Checking

Filed under: review, books — suzanne henderson @ 3:39 pm

Just Checking : Scenes from the Life of an Obsessive-Compulsive by Emily Colas

A funny, frightening look at living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Many parts are quite humorous, until you start considering what it would be like to have to live with OCD yourself. Then it starts to creep under your skin a little. The author did a wonderful job of tying in little stories and transitions to keep the story moving and give a partial glimpse of what living with this disorder is like.

It’s a short book and certainly worth reading.

Book Review: Not Much Just Chillin’: The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers

Filed under: review, books — suzanne henderson @ 3:25 pm

book by Linda Perlstein

Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls says:

“Linda Perlstein has managed to embed herself in the lives of minds of middle schoolers, thoroughly capturing the major issues and the minutiae that govern the course of these crucial years. A terrific read for parents and other adults who need to navigate along with them.”
That is an impressive review from an author I highly regard. However, I haven’t found this book to be worth reading at all. Perhaps if you are a concerned parent with no clue or remembrance for what middle school was like, then take the many days and evenings to trudge through this novel. It moves slowly, very slowly, and while it tries to pulll you into the minds of a typical middle schooler, it still leaves you watching from the outside, the sidelines, the parental position that you are already at.

The first fault I found was the classification of the school, Wilde Lake in Columbia, MD, to be a little too over dramatized. It’s a suburban school in a typically white, upper-middle and upper class neighborhood. Columbia, MD. This isn’t your typical urban or suburban school. However, to be over generalizing and stereotypical, concerned parents and adults interested in issues about middle school development will probably be from neighborhoods and school settings much like this one.

Second fault, it is a slow read. The intro to students personalities is dull and indicate that the author really didn’t do her research on what middle school kids are like on a social and cultural level. Instead, she’s spooning out adult-centered information that further alienates parents that are already struggling with their children’s personal interests.

I’ve only read two chapters, so maybe the book gets better. However, it’s gonna take me a while to finish it since I’ve got several other more interestesting novels waiting for me to read.

Update: I tried very hard to get through more of the book but I couldn’t. There was no way to build up enough momentum to continue turning the pages. Parents of middle schoolers are often desperate to find some way to reach their children that seem to be slipping away from them — for these parents, the last thing they need to do is waste their time trying to fight through this books in hopes for some great insight into the child’s life. There are other books out there that can open plenty of doors for them in a much less painful way (along with many other resources including their own children).

too early on a saturday

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:35 am

I set my alarm for 6:30am. Since we were crashing at Rob’s house, I figured I wouldn’t need too much time to get to work. But, after the alarm went off, and some extra snuggling into the warmth of the bed, I realized my key-card for work was in my car. Damn! So, hop right out of bed, rush alex and rob to get up, and head home. On the plus side, I was able to put on more work like clothes and be a little more ready for work mentally. At least I’m not showing up with a hangover.

Nice party last night, reminded me of how much people I don’t know intimidate me. At least the kind that I don’t think I want to know either. Guess it’s kinda snobbish to say, but thats okay with me. Got enough causal aquaintances around, don’t need to go making more just for politeness-sake. Some of the DC Burner crew showed up and that helped out a lot. We just sat around being snobbish together. Then crashed, heh. Exciting, yes, I know.

October 3, 2003


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:46 pm

damn, I’m at a party and being a geek. That is totally lame you know. Yeah, well it got chilly outside and inside was still filled mostly with people I didn’t know. So, sue me for being a geek. I still reserve the right to call anyone else on being such.

friday night

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:33 pm

I wanted to get all dressed up tonight for [Rob Banz]’s party. That didn’t happen as I planned. Here I was so inspired and excited, oh well, there will be another chance later. Looking forward to a tuna steak and some beer, wow, how things have changed since I first moved here. Neither tuna or beer would have sounded appealing, and now it’s what’s got me motivated enough to get out the door at a reasonable hour (read: early).

As for Wisconsin and PDF, I’m going to PDF. Dave came up with a good enough solution that will get me through to December when I can spend some time in Wisconsin. So, that should get me through, maybe. My heart still longs for Wisconsin though, maybe another chance to go will appear. I’d be sad to disappoint people for PDF. If I’m gonna fuss about people making stronger commitments, then I too should honor that to some degree. Plus, PDF is fun.

October 2, 2003

fall is beautiful!

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:51 pm

It is beautiful outside, more than beautiful, it is fall outside. I love it, I want to go to Wisconsin right now. Just jump in my car and drive away. Maybe I should….

I want to go during PDf, but that kinda messes up plans for other people. Rob says he won’t get a truck if I don’t go and I’ll feel like I’m taking away from all of his plans. I don’t know why, it always feels to me like we go to pdf separately. We may drive together, arrive together, and leave together, but still very separate. He has his plans for what he wants to do and I go off with my own. Nothing he is planning now really interests me. he’s so excited about different things and I’m kinda shuffling my feet already.

It’s not that I I don’t want to go, it’s just that I’m still a little worn out right now. And what my body needs is Wisconsin. I want to go to the parks, take long walks, sit and talk to the trees again. I want to get [reconnected] to life again. And that is a perfect weekend to go, but I would be sad to miss PDF. Oh, what a difficult choice this is.

Book Review: Plain Living

Filed under: review, books — suzanne henderson @ 3:38 pm

by Catherine Whitmire

Great collection of quotes and tidbits of insight on various concepts of simple living and clearness. Good food for thought and meditation. If you need some centering in your life and direction on questions you should be asking, it’s a good place to start.

There are soft references to Quaker living and concepts. However, it has very open ended questions and thoughts that anyone can find useful.