spectating participant


September 29, 2003

Blog Fodder: Recipe

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:11 pm

A good recipe you’ve found lately:

# Dioxine
:0
*^List-Id:.*dioxine.net
/dev/null

Life saving recipe while I was at burning man. I’ve just now started slowly pulling things back into folders, one list at a time. Still not reading most of it though, can’t decide if I should just drop them all or not. Sometimes I like all the email and then other times I wish it would all just go away (and it can).

organized feeling

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:24 am

I had a wonderful time on [the beach|assateague island]. The water was warm and very inviting. Only draw back was that the waves were really rough and made me a little nervous of swimming out too far or at night. Friday, it was mostly just Alex and I hanging out and making sand sculptures. Eventually Christie then Dave and Steph showed up and we all enjoyed the evening.

Saturday was more lazing around on the beach and enjoying the beautiful day. Lots of people eventually showed up, got to meet lots of new people, some part of the burner group and others part of a DC group. All burner friendly. Saturday night potluck was wonderufl, was very happy to get to cook for lots of people. The bonfire and fire spinning was great too.

Got home about 6 on Sunday, all tuckered out. Rob drove up at the same time from his trip. Finally stopped being mad at him that evening. Of course, the cooler was in the house (although I sitll haven’t seen it) and he just didn’t realize that he took our camp chairs with him. Oh well. Sounded like he had fun on his trip.

Dashi is still in the animal hospital. Poor little guy, I’ve been worried about him. Hopefully he’ll come home tonight and be somewhat back to normal.

Got my handspring working, feeling a little more organized and intact time wise. Still have lots of stuff that needs done, but at least I don’t feel like I’m drowing in stuff. Good to be home and at work.

September 26, 2003

power back

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:10 am

yea! the power is back, just as I was grabbing some laundry and about to search out a laundry matt. Good, now I can let that wash, run to the store and buy food for my camping trip.

Oh wait! What good is buying any food, if my wonderful boyfriend decided to ignore my request to use the cooler this weekend and took it himself. So, perhaps alex and I should just eat crackers and canned tuna all weekend, thanks hon. Heh, here he argues that I like to just leave [hint]s about stuff, not this time. I’m actually pretty mad at him. And not just cause of the cooler, was actually made before I noticed he’d taken that with him. Of course, it could be in this house, just maybe I’m not seeing it. Maybe I should go look again…. Cause really, would he completely ignore the fact that Alex and I would be heading off to the beach by ourselves this morning (the few other people who are still coming won’t be there till late tonight) and would want to bring some food with us?

Anyways, I’m gonna go have a good weekend, even if it does end up being just me and Alex.

September 25, 2003

lights are not on

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:18 pm

So BGE told me we’d have power today, they told me this on the phone today, I believed them. And I came home to the sound of the neighbor’s generator running. No power! Fine, I’ll just go camping tomorrow then, I show them.

I’ve been having back pain for a month now, feels like it’s getting worse. When raising my arms above my head (what use to make me think it would feel better, even though it never did) I’m getting crunching and grinding sounds. Can’t push this off and keep hoping that it is just going to go away on it’s own any longer. Sigh, wish I wouldn’t deal with pain for so long. But I’m so convinced that they will not be able to help me. But I’ll have to go and find out. At least I could get a shot, which use to help me knee when it started grinding like this. I need a break from the pain, it’s starting to wear on me a little too much. Sigh.

Assateague tomorrow, can’t wait. Will have to alter my plans a little since there is no power. Maybe it’ll be back in the morning… anyways, I want to go read some more and rest my back. Wish I hadn’t already finished off all the pain pills….

September 23, 2003

unfamiliar territory

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:17 am

What happens when you look around and no longer understand or recognize the person you’ve become? I can’t say that anything has seriously and suddenly changed, but something is different. Sometimes I feel like I’m just pulling at straws of rememberance of the person I really want to be, othertimes it’s a stabbing realization that I don’t know what I want. Life pulls me in a million directions, I cling tightly to some of them hoping that is what I’m looking for. Of course, then another wind of inspiration hits and I notice my swollen fists and wonder if it’s time to let go and walk away.

So many times I’ve walked away after commiting months or years to various groups and still feeling like I’m standing outside. Perhaps thats just my faulty perception, or my inability to truly drop my shyness and establish stronger connections with others. Or maybe, it’s just easier to walk the other way instead of taking the next steps that would pull me closer.

I keep waivering on wether or not I have friends or not. Seems strange to question since I’m not short of people around me to go grab a beer or watch movies with. But who do I have that I can call at any moment in the day or evening, to talk about small acomplishments or to fuss over dissapointments? I find people who met in high school or college and they stayed connected, still talking about everything and doing things together. Sometimes I feel like I’m staring in a sea of faces that I recognize and know but they are still just as much strangers as people on the street.

September 21, 2003

meeting redux

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:57 pm

sometimes it’s saddening to see things take on a life that seems to be so extreemly different, or is in indifferent, to the things you find valuable. guess I’m a little jaded about the planning meeting and the decisions made. while I hate hanging around for any amount of time longer than needed, I’m sad to see what I perceived as rushed decision without real thought to the issues at hand.

but I guess it’s group logic here, vote in or vote it out, and let that be all there is. no need to really discuss the issue and come to any type of understanding about anything, sigh. okay, feeling all deflated and not very optimistic about a group and an organization that I would love (and want) to see more serious commitment to from the volunteers, even if it is a time and energy commitment. oh well.

now I’ve gotta that saddened heart feeling, grr. didn’t go out to dinner with everyone, didn’t actually feel like being around them. thats odd. today just hasn’t been exactly what I was looking for. really wanted to go to meeting today, but stayed downstairs with alex fort he start of First Day school and missed meeting. I need some silence, but all I’m getting at home is generator noise. I need that spot on open playa I can just ride out to, lay down, and forget the world for a while.

la la la

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:41 pm

sitting and waiting for a planning meeting to start. looks like rampant disinterest is still in efffect. oh well. work tomorrow, whee.

September 20, 2003

no power no posting

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:41 am

so we have no electricity, oh la la. won’t be hearing much from me while we survive on occasional dialup and battery power.

September 17, 2003

a college that doesn’t promote learning

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:51 am

okay, so maybe that is a little harsh. However, I would expect to find a comfortable chair somewhere, anywhere, on campus. A place where I can curl up with a text book and catch up on assigned readings, of just explore more about an interesting topic in class. Instead, I find rigid chairs and divided tables everywhere. Tables and chairs, thats all I’ve found and it’s not encouraging. Cause it also seems that the university values solitude and discourages group learning. Every study area and table is divided with privacy barriers, which for some areas and instances, are great. But not when that is all you can find all over campus. How sad. I even stopped to ask someone where I could find a comfy seat on campus and they couldn’t think of anything.

September 14, 2003

ick

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:14 pm

I don’t want to be in my head right now.

September 13, 2003

a moment to breathe

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:16 am

I got to come home at a reasonable time this evening. It’s amazing to be back home and not in class or not working late. And here I spend it pursuing a million personal interest and still energized for life even though I’ve been stressed.

Currently picking apart literature with my sis. Well, maybe I’m picking it apart and she’s just listening, but I’m happy to be talking about something like this for a change. Feels like being back in school brings back this real passion for literature and learning and seriosly thinking about things.

Got the saddest note from my daughter ever today, due to a misunderstanding of statments.

I should sleep, tomorrow comes early tomorrow.

September 9, 2003

volunteering

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:47 pm

I want to volunteer, overseas, just gather up my things and head off into the world for a while to see where I can do some good. Still searching out ways to bring my daughter along too, cause I want her to also be involved. Wonder what it would take to involve myself in opportunities like that….

life is good right now. busy with work and everything. haven’t been home near enouh this week, and I don’t see that improving. feel bad that it seems that I get no time with rob and alex, and rob’s been doing such an amazing job helping out. i really appreciate all of his help and certainly know that it isn’t easy, espeically not after I was already gone for a while. After this week, it can all go back to normal, just a few more days. thanks sweetie, I’ll find a way to make it up to you somehow.

September 7, 2003

losing an adventure

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:52 pm

it always saddens me to finish a novel and to let go of the world i’ve burried myself in. Just finished [The Piano Tuner] by Daniel Mason, an captivatingly descriptive tale where:

The dark blue shadows of last night’s memory [become] blossoming flowers, hanging orchirds, roses, hibiscus. Butterflies [fly] everywhere, flittering, tiny pieces of color that filled the air like parade confetti.

The descriptions were so vivid and enchating, forcing a longing to journey through the far reaches of the world. Yet, at the same time, I could feel the heavy weigth of the humid air, smell the alien fragrances of flowers, and taste the curried spices mingled in the air. Mmmm.

I went to [meeting|friends meeting] this morning. During the meeting, my mind kept drifiting off to peace works in foreign countires, taking Alex off to new countires and cultures and working toward a cause far larger than me. Perhaps it was because I had [The Piano Tuner] sitting next to me, or perhaps it’s because I’ve begun to reopen my eyes to the world around me.

CCBC isn’t going to hold my attention. In fact, I’ve already bored of their program and don’t feel that their expectations will measure up to mine. Feeling the need to quickly branch off into another university or something more reserach or educationally driven. I don’t feel like spending my energy just trying to gt a job at some point, I want to be mentally challenged and encouraged to take another intelectual step forward just to keep up.

Kathleen is home. We spun fire in the backyard, nice quiet homecoming for her. I am glad she is back. Now the realization that she will soon (hopefully not too soon) be leaving our house and going on to her own. I’ve already began imagining the house as it was before she moved in. I’ve mentally replaced many of her items with my own and am wondering what that change will do to me. I again will have my own room, again I will feel that I have a place in this state. Just in time, as fall sets in and my creativity begins boiling over with a strong focus on order my home life. But in so many ways that it feels more like it will be a waterfull crashing into place as a strong, positive presence moves on.

I’m feeling settled finally, just in time for work to battle every ounce of stress reduction I have in me. But I’m now more ready to face it and will focus on how it is but only one more week.

September 6, 2003

pouring of emotion

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:12 pm

okay, had a torrent of feelings come splashing out of me earlier, wrote this letter to a friend and the poem that follows. for now I’ll keep it here, but there is a srong chance I’ll take it down once I stop deciding to share myself so much with the world.

To: Knight Valiant
From: K. Suzanne Henderson
Date: Sat, 6 Sep 2003 14:07:14 -0400 (EDT)

home from my trip, the mountains so beautiful, they steal my breath and
hours from the day and I get lost in their curves and sharp edges. once in
reno, i couldn’t stop staring, stop that familiar smile, stop the warmth
of happiness from washing over my smile and lighting my eyes. and you,
thought so much of you, how i’ve so connected your love to them, how they
simply shine back in the sunlight with kisses of joy and shoutings of
emotion. i wish you had been there, wish i could have turned to see you
sitting beside me, to see the smile on your lips that matched mine. it was
wonderful. once on playa, the daytime hours spent swinging in sunshine and
breezes were broken by treks off to see the city. but my path always led
me to the outside edges, to the most beautiful things there, the mountains
all around me, the sun reflecting on everything, changing colors as the
day drew on, oh so pretty, so wonderful, and I kept going out to sit, to
stare, to soak up and refill myself. sunrise and sunset always pulling me
out further, till i could only stop, spin in circles, laugh and cry, and
lay out on the ground and listen to life floating by. i loved it, so much
I loved it, and what a welcoming home, what a kind annoucement to my soul
of love and devotion and scared joy. it poured into my heart, and out in
my smile and eyes, everything just glowed with beauty and I was so happy
to reflect it back. so perfect, so wonderufl, if only i could put words on
the leaping of soul, the jumping of imagination, the warmth and jitterness
of beauty crawling through my veins. in a way, felt that the wind had
stolen up a tousand kisses and whispers and collected it in the mountains,
waiting till I stopped by again, and poured them over me, adding more and
more to every one, till I thought my mind would break from the emotion and
that i’d simply pour into the cracks and fade away in the sunlight, warm,
tendar, strong, and bold.

and something I wrote:

sacredness I felt,
connected deep beyond the hard, cracked surface,
my spirit lifted above, mixed in the clouds.
the mountains pulled me closer and
i wanted to rest upon their spine.
i knew you would be there with me,

just to sit there in their presence,
to feel the pull of their beauty,
knowing I was so small, so little,
so helpless in the larger scheme of things,
I felt humble and complete.

legs crossed, wrists resting at my side,
i could feel the wind pulling me closer,
pushing me further out,
into a space I’ve seen before.
it was so hard to stay connected to the ground,
my wings were aching to fly,
to lift me up from the ground,
to leave behind the distance notes of music,
to escape the presence of others,
to just soar up with the clouds,
sweep myself across the sky with featherlight
brushes of patience and joy.
i closed my eyes, felt the singing, the calling,
the beating of life from the horizon.

i could feel you in the sky above,
i wanted to rush up and hold you,
to swing through the sunlight at your side,
kiss your golden lips and tempting tongue.
my eyes cried and heart stuttered–
your name, a develaration of surrender.
i was there for you, with you, inside of our moments
no one else could pull me away,
the love came pouring and drowned out everything around.
so long it had been since we were together.

eventually i pulled away, pushed my attention back
down to the ground, back into the dusty maddness,
back to a place that held just as many emotions
and feelings and sensations so strong,
so tight and gentle and fast and delicate,
a welcomed comfort, clashing so brightly against you
but still complemeting my soul.

till our spirits mingle again,
till I reach out and cuddle in your love,
I’ll kiss the winds and bless the stars,
and await our return.

beautiful morning

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:41 am

it’s a new happy day, woohoo. i love mornings that I don’t have to rush out somewhere. i will be going up to philly sometime today to get my stuff, joy. perhaps dave will go too and i can just ride up with him. of ocurse, that means i have to see if alex can head over to sarah’s a little early for a sleepover, assuming there is still going to be one happening.

i want a bike really really bad. i had so much fun riding around burning man all week, i want to keep riding. but i am also on my new restrained budget plan which doesn’t allow me to buy a good bike. bummer, what to do. perhaps i can keep looking for garage sales and see if i can pick up a good cheap one somewhere.

okay, time to get up and perhaps make some breakfast, but i’m betting we are short on the essential food items needed for breakfast. oh look, dashi is beating up mallet, gues he realizes it’s a beautiful morning too.

lots of stuff…

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:52 am

wow, I just keep posting and posting. perhaps i’m thinking that if I just keep spilling more out on my screen that it will make sense in my head. of course, i’m reaching to point that i’m hitting really emotional topics, ones too dear to put on my site, and for those who know how much info i tend to give away, thats saying something for me. sigh. i’m in a funk, a heavy setted funk. don’t know how to get it on it’s merry (well perhaps should-to-be-merry) way and get back to par. oh well, this is something i’d normally be positing on my bipolar blog anyways, i’ve got too many different blogs.

watched [Kiki] tonight with my alex and [steph]. that was nice, i always enjoy talking with steph and don’t do it near as much as i’d like. but the movie ended, it was a little late, and dave came home, so i headed off. left feeling a little more off centered than when i headed down there, don’t know what that is from, and too tired to really evaluate it right now. alex liked the movie, i’m so happy to have her around again. it’s been the one thing that has been cheering me up.

okay, enough with this whiney crap, i’m so getting tired of myself. tomorrow i go get my stuff from the [videgogasm] truck, whee. bring the dust on home.

September 5, 2003

good effort

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 7:42 pm

work was busy. headed home happy to be going home. got home, was happy to start cleaning up. but it’s too much again, all this shit in the living room is really bothering me, too much to go through and deal with. talked to my mom, fussed at her for leaving it all there. want to get it all put away before kathleen comes home, certainly don’t need to fuck up someone else’s homecoming with a house greeting like this one. sigh. time to leave, I can’t take it here anymore.

September 4, 2003

school girl

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:37 pm

I tried at lunch to get registered for classes, but the line was too long. So, tonight I’ll go again and see if I can get in. Perhaps I’ll even get signed up in time to attend my first class. I hope this all works out, might not get into the ASL program, and if not, I’ll take anything just to be going to school.

Readjustment day two: heh, still not there yet. Feel like I’ve been swiming and diving in a sea full of emotions and experiences and connections last week, just to come home to an empty pool with a broken diving board. I’m sure most of it is me, but still, it’s like walking around in a blank cloud that just drains more from me without giving back even a faint reflection of whats I’ve been getting. Trying to avoid sounding all down in the dumps over this, and I’m not really depressed either. Actually, mentally still pretty manic-like, but in a counter-productive manner.

September 3, 2003

welcome to decom

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 8:45 pm

ha. wish I knew what was up this year. I don’t recall last year kicking my ass like this. of course, I was still in hyper drive moving all the way to maryland this time last year. Yeah, what an ajustment. almost wish I was packing up everything I owned and moving this year just to that I’d have some kinda of focus shift happening instead of just plowing right back into life. i hope that it gets easier as the years drag on. At least I’ll know to take a few more days off at the end of the trip next year to help get back into things.

But until then, i’ll just pretend it was some dinky ass party in the desert and not worth all this fuss. nothing life changing happens there, no not at all, it’s just all fun and games. wow, guess I’ve turned into one of “those people” now, the ones I thought were crazy for getting all worked up over an event, the ones who seem to slam into a brick wall when they get home, the ones that whine and fuss about everything. yeah, I guess thats okay, just a couple more days till the weekend.

oh, and there is a planning meeting this weekend, hip hip yo! wonder if I’ll actually attend. well alex is about out of the tub, guess I’ll get her into bed and then I’ll go on myself.

sleep a plus

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 5:41 am

it’s early and I’m awake. The room got hot and stuff and for the past week, that has been my signal that it’s time to get up. Thinking now that another hour of rest could be nice, so may sneak back in bed wiht my honey for a little while. I’m more ajusted this morning but still feeling very overwhelmed right now too. Sigh, so much stuff to think about it seems, don’t know what to do with it all.

But today is Wednesday, the week is half over, and time to swing back into action with life. Alex has school, I have work, and things haven’t changed at home. I’ll be dropping my car off this morning to have it serviced, then I can get the insurance on it and get it tagged finally. Guess I’ll call Geico again at lunch. I’m sure they’ll happily take 300+ of my monies just to get me started on insurance. But hopefully by Friday, I’ll have a legal car to drive. Won’t that be nice.

Okay, off to bed to reset my 6:00am alarm back to a 6:45 one just to get a little snuggle time with my honey. I missed him a lot, and realized that I’ve been pretty upset with him not being with me at Burning Man this year. So much of it could have been shared, but instead I’m left trying to put words on something that only tears could describe. He sounds like he had fun and hopefully, I’ll be a little more ready to take in the running account of what has been happening in my absene this evening over dinner.

Welcome back to life.

September 2, 2003

home away from home

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:45 pm

I packed and planned and did everything I coudl to prepare for my trip in the desert. That is somthing you can prepare for, even if it takes a lot of work. However, coming home ain’t the same. I thought I was ready, I kept working on getting adjusted from the moment we were driving out of Black Rock City. Took extra time at Pyramid Lake to move back towards the normal world. Mentally prep talked myself at the hotel and airport. Took deep breaths as the plane landed, smiled as I gathered my luggage, but still… I’m not ready for this just yet. Not really sure what to do about it right now either. But, at least I know my laptop is not where I want to be either.

sigh.