spectating participant

July 28, 2003

back to school

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:44 pm

soon I will be buying supplies for alex and me. looks like I’mm be able to go to the Community College of Baltimore County this fall. I hope everything falls into place so that I can go for sure. Won’t be working toward my degree, but I will be working toward something at least. I’m looking to take the Interperter Training program.

July 25, 2003

BlogFodder: The gadget you can’t live without

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:17 pm

I thought about this for a while and I think the only thing I couldn’t live without is my toothbrush. There is just something necessary in the slick clean feeling you get when running your tongue over freshly brushed teeth. I’m not really sure a toothbrush qualifies as a gadget, but it’s the best I can do. Everything else is fluff.

The first thing I’d be giving up is my beloved powerbook and all the technology I own. I’ve been pushing it aside more and more at home. Been reading, listening to musci, and bike riding instead. Life extends so much futher than this 12inch screen.

Okay, My tummy growls, time to give up on being productive and feed it (even though I’d rather stay and work more). Cook out at Rob Banz’s house tonight, I’ll prolly go.

can’t sleep

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:36 am

I’ve been tossing and turning for a couple hours; finally just gave in and got out of bed. Not much to do around this house at this hour though. I feel like I am being attacked by bugs, but I’m sure it’s not the case. There may have been one bug crawlingon me in bed, but I’m sure I’ve scared away. The ones bugging me now are just part of my imagination refusing to let go of that creepy crawly feeling.

Figured I’d get up an listen to come music until I can sleep again, if I can sleep again. Perhaps catch up on some online reading, not that I read much anymore. Work has me so busy, I don’t have time or energy to do so. Heh, work is part of the reason I’m awake. Too busy building database querys in my head to make a few of my tasks run a little smoother. Oy.

Now, where did I put those headphones….

July 24, 2003

tummy so full

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:26 pm

Last night was wonderful. Had my birthday dinner at [Mount Everest] with 14 dear and wonderful friends.

The food was fantastic. I tried a new dish that the cook made special for me, it was great. There was also a few new things on the menu which I got a taste of, yum. This place is so good, I’m surprised to find that we were the only group in after 7pm. Everyone left completely stuffed after the many appetizers, mango lassi, and dishes.

What a great reminder of the fantastic friends that I have. Thanks.

July 23, 2003

this little piggy went to market

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:09 pm

I looked down at my sandals and counted my toes, 1 2 3 4… 4? Aiyeee. It is sad when you have to wonder if you lost a toe without knowing before realizing it’s just hidden by the sandal strap.

Going to [Mount Everest] tonight with friends. I’m very excited. Finally, I get to have a large group dining there, good thing I had a birthday excuse to make it happen.

July 22, 2003

happy birthday to me

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:07 pm

Ye have no time but this present time,
therefore prize your time for your soul’s sake
-George Fox, 1652

I’m still thinking and am very happy with the things I’m coming up with. When wondering about whether I’m moving in a direction that I should be moving in or doing the things I feel I should, the answer is yes. Not to imply that there are not some shortcomings in the things I do, but at least there is the knowledge that these are the things I should and I wish to do.

Working for a non-profit organization makes me very happy. I alway feel comfortable telling people who I work for; I don’t have to worry that their buisness practices are harming the enviroment or the community. I can see the direct care and consideration that the organization has for the community it serves. I can’t imagine working for a profit driven or consumer driven organization and feeling the same satisfaction and comfort.

Some things feel different lately and I can’t quite figure out what it is. I’m so reluctant to do things that might be considered foolish, a consideration that has been lacking for months now. I have had a twenty-dollar-bill in my wallet for 4 or 5 days now; for me, this is a great acomplishment. I went shopping with my mother last night and found so many crafting ideas and items I wanted to get, especially when it would have only been $2-5 for them. But I’d put them back after seriously thinking about whether it is something I needed or not. I went grocery shopping this past weekend, another acomplishment for me, and have brought my lunch two days in a row and cooked dinner last night. Small changes, prolly silly changes to someone else, but noticeable and impressive ones to me.

July 21, 2003

keep looking

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:58 pm

so, i’ve been looking at my life a lot lately and for once, in a very soft way. instead of hammering out everything that is happening and what should be happening, i keep stopping and just thinking on it. not really evaluating what is wrong and what is good or anything like that, just letting whatever thoughts may come, come. been realizing that it is time for a change in the way some things are done, but not in my usual fashion. no more forced agreements and personal promises that I’ll do this or that. nah, nothing like that anymore. just a new awareness, a new presence of mind, and more watching approach today.

i went to the bookstore today. it was the 4th one in the past couple day. my mind has been crying out for something to read, something that will really pull me in and let me devour it. i’ve picked up so many books, read a few pages, and placed them back down. i was starting to think that I was going crazy, that I’d suddenly become too indecisive for my own needs. but, i got a book today that i picked up, set down, picked up, and set down several times. I wasn’t certain that I wanted to read it, but every time I’d walk to another area or look up another book, I end up moving back to it, flipping a page or two.

i was bothered that the book didn’t continue on and on wit words and paragraphs. it was broken up in excerpts and passages and poems and writings. and I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to get something that was going to push me to think more than I was reading, but that exactly what I’ve been looking for lately. i’ve been wanting more things in my life to force to to think, to ponder, to wonder instead of just act, and do, and move.

feeling very calm and peaceful today. haven’t had a feeling like this in a while and it is nice to just be. it seems almost like being a tree in a way.

July 17, 2003

Pretty People in DC

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:59 pm

I took a walk during my lunch break and I’m amazed at all the attractive people that live/work in DC. Most everyone I passed was good looking. I found a little park, one of those annoy ones that DC likes to put in the middle of massive intersections and make everyone drive in circles, and took my break there. I had my zuni’s with me, so I just played for a while till I started gettting warm. I didn’t want to end up back in class all sweaty. Of course, now I’m wishing I had grabbed something to eat, but oh well. There is always dinner and it saves money to just deal with the free sodas you get here and fresh air.

July 16, 2003

I can see!

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 9:52 pm

went up to towson town center for my eye appointment. stopped in at barnes and nobles to kill some time and ran into [phil|phil gregory]. wasn’t too surprised since I had mentioned that I was trying to decide between there and borders and he asked which one I picked before I got off the phone. silly phil. was nice to hang out though, hadn’t really done that much lately. had an enjoyable time wandering around on sore feet and getting my eyes checked. the $68 contact exam price suddenly rose up to above $105 when I sat down to pay. seeing as how I barely managed to come up with the $68, this was a shock. but the woman worked with me and managed to get me a good deal to where I ended up with the eye exam and a box of contacts for $65. woop! that was a big plus. grabbed a bite to eat with phil at a little bistro in the mall then headed off home. can’t say that my funk is gone, but i did manage a little break from it. and for once, it’s not my house or home life causing it. whee.


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:43 pm

still feeling a little fussy today. for much of the same reasons I was feeling fussy yesterday (before the pleasant evening which did distract me). My mom is mad at me again, guess that doesn’t surprise me. Not like it happens as much as it used to, but still, I know the drill by now. She’s stressed, so I’m not as bothered by it. But add that into work, my current stress-intolerance, and general worriedness, yech.

good note: i have an eye appointment this evening, I’ll be able to see agian soon. I’m sure that will help a little bit. Then home to do some wash and sleep before waking up at 5 something or whatever time I need to drive down to greenbelt, take the train into dc, and find this training. Wondering if I want to take the laptop or not. I’ll miss it if I don’t, but I won’t have to worry about it otherwise.

Oh yeah, time to get some materials rounded up for the training tomorrow. sigh.

chirp chirp chirp

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:31 am

it is night out and the birds are chirping, how odd. Made my first curry dish for Lisa and [Rob Banz] tonight. Then Lisa and I went to see [Bend it Like Beckam] which was a very cute movie. Stopped at beer afterwards, enjoyed the company of friends, then headed home. And now it’s hot and muggy and the birds are chirping.

July 14, 2003

listening to the sky breath

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:46 pm

I can’t really figure out how today is going. Concerned about some friends of mine and feeling really helpless cause I don’t know anything I can do to help, not sure of what to say, and it’s prolly not even my place to do anything. What a funky feeling that brings. So many situations in life leave me completely blank for response or input, even when I really would like to do something. Guess I’ll just be waiting too see how things turn out and see if there is anything I can do then.

On simmilar note, my great-grandfather passed away. He went quietly in his sleep, I’m told. I’m glad my mom was already they were there when this happened so they can help my grandma out with everything. I don’t see that my grandma will be around much longer since I feel that his passing was in a large part due to the realization that his wife would never come home again. It just seems reasonable that they would both passover together. I’m comfortable with this and I think a lot of my family is. It’s nice to have had enough time to come to terms with death and having a chance to say goodbye to the ones you love.

July 13, 2003

Assateague Island

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 5:43 pm

Foaming waves tickled my toes and the silky soft sand quietly encouraged my approach, my city-soft feet carefully stepped forward, scared of sharp rocks and water critters. It felt great and I stepped faster past my nervousness into the waves.

Ouch! The sand betrayed me and turned to crunchy rocks that jabbed at my tender soles, but my friends assured me it would soften again, and it did. The water splashed over my skin, spraying droplets at my face, salty drops wiped away from my eyes. The water kept pushing toward the shore and one built up in front of me. They said I could jump over it and I gave it a try.

I quickly found myself back on the gravely rocks, tumbling in circles under the waves with no real bearing on which way is up. “Great, my first time in the ocean and I drown,” I thought as I tried to swim back to the surface. Back on my feet, the saltwater dripped from my nose as I coughed it out of my lungs, “Or you can just go under,” I am told.

The waves continue to push and slap against me; I dive into the break and drift out into the ocean. Water had never felt so large before, stretching out beyond my mental scope of distance. Lake Michigan suddenly felt very small and puddle like, the Atlantic could swallow it like it was just a droplet from the sky.

I now understand the magic that [Assateague|Assateague Island] has and I’ve fallen under it’s spell of sunwashed sand warming my feet, cool air breezes at night, shaded naps during the day, friends with sunscreen to share, and moonlight swims.

Last night the moon shown with her full light, laying down a stream of white across the waves. The water was cold and I had to push a little harder to get in it, my body shouting out with life and vibrance in response. Out among the waves, drifting toward the moonlight, I couldn’t ask for anything more in that moment. A perfect compliment to the swim the night before where we watched brilliant streaks of white crackle and spark in the distance. Life was meant to be lived this way.

July 10, 2003

poison ivy overload

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:06 pm

I’m dying here. I just can’t take another day off this stuff. My tummy is mostly covered, it’s now on my palm (ouch!), behind my ears, perhaps on my tonuge, on my scalp, on my neck, under my arms, and in crooks and crannies. Oh, this is too much. I’m not sure how much more I can tolerate. Sigh.

computers off

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 3:43 pm

so we had to turn the computers off at work while they trouble shoot some network and internet issues. guess no one can have internet right now. Well, no one but me. This is pretty nice.

Looks like I might be a Red Cross Fist Aid and CPR instructor. Gonna have work send me off for the training so that I can do some more classes here and the center. More classes means more work and more comp time, I’m all about that comp time. Would rather work more at some moments just so I can work less at others.

Okay, back to work stuff. This conference is in full gear and there is lots and lots to do, Oh me, oh my.

July 9, 2003

wine and sushi

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:06 pm

yum. I’m still stuffed. Went to happy hour at Alantic. Not really worth going to anymore since the $2 sushi is now just half price sushi. Tiny sushi at that; not too impressive, [edo sushi] would have been better.

Anyways, ate lots, drank lots, came home, drank more, now posting drunk. What a great life!

Time to go back to a story that I’ve been writing.

dessert please

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 1:51 am

I went to [beer] and asked [James] for the dessert menu right off. I didn’t like the fancy-smancy names of the desserts so I didn’t order anything. Later in the evening after a few beers, I decide I still want dessert and get [Steve|Steve Killen] interested too. I ask for the dessert menu again, and still find nothing that I want. So, I start thinking about the hour (almost 11pm) and dessert and the [Double T] pops into mind. Would it be too crazy to go just for dessert?

No. Steve, Phil, and I head over to the place. We order a malt and dessert each. Steve was full of stories from his time sitting and I was happy to hear more about it. Then arrived our: apple pie, carrot cake, and baklava. Let me just say, baklava should never be made so big AND never should one person attempt to eat it. Honestly, all three of us could have split the baklava and still have had too much. But we nibbled away at our desserts, quickly filling of their sweetness. The malts did get finished and the carrot cake and baklava were taken home.

So now it is almost 2am, I need to work tomorrow. I just finished a shower to help wash away all poison ivy oil if there could possibly be any left. I marked out all my new spots and hope to find that they are not multiplying. I’ve got raccoon eyes again, the calamine lotion isn’t irritating my eyes quite as much now. Plus I’ve been popping Benadryl like pez. Oh, I want this all to end. But, if I am to suffer through it, dessert is the way to go.

July 7, 2003

love affair

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:40 pm

I’m having an affair. It’s been going on for a while now and I’ve been pretty quiet about it up until now. I’ve been afraid of what my friends might say, but mostly, I’ve been afraid of what my boyfriend would say. In a way, he knows about it, he’s seen us together, he’s gone out with us, he’s even suggested things for us to do. He introduced us a few months ago and I figured we’d establish a normal relationship.

But that hasn’t happened, instead I’ve fallen in love and don’t know what to do about it. I’m amazed that I can be so infatuated, awed, and amazed by her. Every morning, I wake up and start thinking about her. When I crawl in bed at night, I wonder if she’ll be okay and hope that she is still there in the morning. Yes, I’m in love with my laptop.

It didn’t happen overnight, it has taken weeks of quality one-on-one time to reach this point. I’ve tried to deny that I could form this strong of an emotional attachment to a machine. I tried pretending that I was just wanting to be as geeky as everyone else. I tried acting like she was like all the other computers I had used or owned. But I can’t pretend anymore, she is a beautiful piece of art. The things she can do amaze me, I have only tampered with the power she has. I read Mac World magazine from cover to cover just so that I can treat her better, give her more things to do, make better use of her capabilities.

I wonder if my boyfriend minds the amount of time I devote to her. But, seeing as how he has one of his own, I’m sure he understands. Sigh, it is so great to be in love.

itch itch itch

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:25 am

This poison ivy thing is really driving me nuts. Wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t in and around my eyes. I’m happy that it isn’t spreading as bad as it used to. I think that all the times getting it as a kid and getting so many shots for it has built up a tolerance and now it’s just a normal irritant.

But it’s an irrantant that is hard to ignore. I wonder if they sell drops to put in your eyes. Anyways, I’m a touch miserable physically but still happy from the great weekend.

Did I mention that it rained this weekend, twice? The storms didn’t last long and I throughly enjoyed the second one wisconsin-pagan style.

July 6, 2003

flashing star bracelet

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 10:22 pm

I loved these motion sensitive bracelets that Nikki was wearring this weekend. I’m trying to find them.

So far, instead, I’ve found:

How to dance with Glowsticks — I didn’t know it needed to be taught.

Glowing Spiked Collars

An LED Star — Think I might want to get some of those.

Tongue Ring with Star Balls — I want this too, looks like I might get up to critical mass to justify an order.

Stary Eyes or Star Eyes?

Flashing Stars - close but not quite what I want.

Flashing Star Bracelet — motion sensitive too! BINGO!

Cool Star Bracelet

Hmm, still wonder what to do about this. I’m not sure it’s worth ordering them overseas or not. Hmmmmm.

weekend madness and stilt crazy!!!

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 4:59 pm

To: [BobbyG]
From: K. Suzanne Henderson
Date: Sun, 6 Jul 2003 16:56:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: hey you

whats happening?

just got home from an AMAZING weekend, we were burning it up almost [burning corn] style, hot weather, fireworks, burning shit, engulfing people in
balls of fire, playing with fire, the music was going, people were cool,
oh it was amazing I say, amazing, so amazing, wonderfulyl amazing, oh I’m
still spinning over it, wow!

k. suzanne henderson . ksuzanne@xixstar.com . xixstar.com .

Yeah, that about sums it up. Oh, and I’m gonna be a stiltwalker. I watched [Scott|Scott Bupp] give it a go, listened to all the awesome advice he was giving himself, and gave it a try. I’m impressed. I thought it would freak me out, but I did good. Now to make some stilts and costumes.

Oh, did I mention that [Bivoac] rocked? It was amazing. Ask me about it sometime if you are curious.

One more thing: I think I got poison ivy around my eye. So, I’m currently walking around like a raccoon with c.lotion around my eyes. Hopefully it’s just another minor rash and I’m just being paranoid; I really don’t like dealing with poison ivy.

July 3, 2003

abolish marriage

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:02 pm

cute article in the washington post: Abolish Marriage: let’s really get the government out of our bedrooms

What a beautiful idea. Of couse, I’m pretty anti-marriage these days. I’m tired of hearing family ask if I’m gonna marry the [fellar|Rob Carlson] I’m living with. What is this expectation that everything must progress into some legally binding agreement? Does that stupid argreement mean I love my boyfriend more than I do now? No. Does it mean that I’m more committed to him than I am now? No. Does it mean that I’ll think a little harder about leaving my honey if I have to jump through a million legal hoops to do so? No, that isn’t a light decision to make in the first place. So there isn’t much that marriage offers in the form of emotional involvement. It just helps out physically and logisticly, we could get insurance together and claim taxes together. To me, that make marriage a couple’s buisness plan and not a union of souls that some people make it out to be.

I shall love this place, somehow.

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:39 pm

I’m tired of hating Baltimore. So it’s time to really pursue this city, see what it can offer if you dig into it, and give it a shot at competing with that [city-on-a-pedestal|Milwaukee, wi].

First plan: find more parks. I am missing all of the green spaces in Milwaukee. I remember reading that Milwaukee was ranked pretty high on the percentage of parks and green in the city compared to other major cities. I can’t find that document right now, but I’m pretty sure that Baltimore is pretty far down comparatively. But anyways, I’m going to venture out, find local parks and start visiting them, taking hikes in the evening and weekends, and reconnect with nature.

Second plan: Find events and go to them. Currently planning to go to the First Thursday concert tonight in Mt. Vernon. Tomorrow there is Opera in the Park in Mt. Vernon too, might check that out as well. If I can start find free cultural events, I’m sure I’ll start warming up to Baltimore more than I have so far.

good night

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:25 am

Sigh. Today was a higly mentally stressing day. I’m not so sure why. And seems funny that it ended up that way since it started out with me dancing on air this morning. However, it all ended well enough. I watched a cute enough movie, had a tasty cookie that kathleen made, and enjoyed the rain.

Tomorrow is the last work day this week, I think I shall enjoy it. And then, it’s a long weekend with no Alex, I think I can do something fun. Perhaps go catch a movie at the charles, perhaps I can see if Lisa would like to go, if I can find a way to reach her that is.

July 1, 2003


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 2:37 pm

I’m still not happy about this dog thing. And after reading Rob’s webpage, I’m even less happy about it. He still makes it seem like such a selfish decision to take the dog to the pound, that just because we don’t want to be bothered with coming home after work to take care of her, we got rid of her. Thatís not my reasoning.

I wasn’t worried about having to come home and take care of the dog. I have a kid that needs much the same type of timely attention, so it’s not a big change for me. My decision was to not have the dog in the house and the dog should not go back to my mother. I do not have the financial resources to get her a doghouse and feel that shock collars are cruel (both would be needed to keep from getting more animal cruelty complaints).

I still feel like I made the wrong choice. I think that I should have just allowed the dog to stay inside alex’s room, dealt with whatever she chose to chew up, and possibly going to the bathroom on the floor. But what then? I don’t know anyone who wants a dog. I guess I could wait till after payday and if the fee isn’t too much, place an ad in the newspaper for a free dog. If nothing comes up, then what? I can’t keep the dog. I have no compassion to keep an animal.

I don’t know what I should have done or should do now. I almost want to go get the dog back and bring her back home, but then I’m back at square one. I feel that I’m being mean by making these choices. Of course, I don’t see that letting my mother have the dog back is a great idea either. Biscuit needs a home where the people can take care of her better. We are not that home; I don’t have the emotional capacity to care for a dog.

I don’t know what to do about this. This is making me feel like an awful person.

Blog Fodder: Moving Day

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 11:51 am

my last big move –

The last move was a big one. I uprooted myself from Wisconsin, a state I’d come to love in the 3 years that I lived there, and joined the masses on the East Coast. Moving Day was actually split into two parts. The first part followed my return from [Burning Man].

I didn’t pack enough before I left for Burning Man so the house was still unprepared. I didn’t clean enough either. So, I did what I could because I had to leave for Baltimore that weekend so I could get Alex into school (it was the beginning of September). I ended up taking what I could and leaving the house still unpacked.

I flew back to Wisconsin a week or so later to help my mother move and to help drive the moving truck. I added an extra day to the return so I could finish getting my stuff packed. I someone managed to get it all done in time. We got all my stuff in the truck, most of my mother’s stuff, and drove and drove to Maryland.

So now I have left Wisconsin, South Dakota, Oklahoma, and Texas behind and am working on settling into Maryland. And there is some hope there, but that’s a whole new post.