spectating participant

November 24, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Ha. Look up [depression] and you will find so many sites telling you how things WILL get better. No shit. I think most depressed people know this somewhere in their minds, but does that help them right then? No. Depression isn’t really about how things are going to turn out; they are about how sucky things are right then. So, tomorrow I might feel better, grand. But right now IĈm having no such luck. So, I’ll just whine about it.

Went to New York for the first time last night. I didn’t like it. The city gave me such odd, creepy feeling that I wanted to leave almost as soon as we were there. The streets made me nervous; spent the time driving to the warehouse wishing I didnĈt have to be there. The party was nice when it started. I could look around and find people I knew about everywhere. But, the night drew on, more and more masses of people showed up and everyone seemed to vanish on me. I think I did a pretty good job of not whining or pouting about it. I was surprised to watch my friends and how they too went through a variety of pouting motions. Not in a terrible serious way, but still in the “wha, poorish me” way. While that sounds a bit whiny, it was done in a more playful manner. And it seems to work pretty successfully too. You get attention and maybe a nice kiss from someone too.

Today has been long and confusing. Have so much stuff floating around in my mind right now, not sure where I stand on anything anymore. Gotta love life’s little wake up calls when you are least prepared to deal with them. I started back on my [lithium|lithium carbonate] tonight. I’ve been off for a few weeks and it’s really taking its downward toll on me. I’m sure everything will be back in perspective in just a few days and all will be well. Now, just gotta make sure nothing odd happens in those few days to throw everything out of whack (or more out of whack). Oh, I also started my first day as a medical guinea pig today. What a weekend.