spectating participant


February 26, 2002

02.25.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

1:14pm:
It’s snowing again. The second day that I have been able to watch the fluffy flakes falling outside of the window. Of course, I love it and would be even happier if it would fall a little faster. Even though I enjoy it, after a nice 50 degree day, it was quite a shock. Looks like Spring is going to be placed on hold for a little while longer.
I have a busy month in front of me: Women’s Leadership Conference in River Falls this weekend, Recycled Rainbow party in Ohio the following weekend, drive to Baltimore the weekend after that, and then back home the next weekend.
The conference should be interesting. It is the first time that I have gone to one and I am excited. I will be going with a couple of students and hope to have something to write about when I get back.
Recycled Rainbow v2.0 is… well a party. But the wonderfully creative, self-expression type. Heck, it is obviously a pretty cool deal if I am willing to drive all the way to Ohio for it. And then, after partying all night, I will be driving home early that morning to get to an campus event by noon. We’ll see if I make it.
And Baltimore is to the point that it should speak for itself.

February 23, 2002

02.23.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

11:38:
Sometimes my mind decides what it wants to work on and is relentless. It doesn’t matter is I have a two major assignments due in three days. When something else catches my fancy, I have no choice but to follow through with it. And really, it is a wonderful way to get things done. At breakfast, while enjoying a sinfully delicious slice of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Pie, I had to give up on my instruction manual and list out elements of the ticketing system for this little east coast shin-dig. And having finished the pie and initial brainstorming, I headed right to the nearest lab and began working.
Now, I realize that my instruction manual has priority right now, but my motivation doesn’t really care. So all I can do is try to hurry and complete this part of the ticketing project and then get back to the task at hand. Of course, a new xixstar design and a site for my mom is also creeping into my mind right now, but I will try to hold off on those items at least until I get the instruction title written.
I would like to suggest this rather haphazard yet interesting approach to a friend that seems to always be swamped with projects and tasks. While it may not seem to be the most effective or logical way to complete these projects, it feels right and everything gets completed on time in the end. So, maybe my method would help, just a little.

February 21, 2002

02.20.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

10:56pm:
Today has been very absctract. I have been thinking on the validity of love, the beginnings of love, and the endings of love. And in these musing, I discovered that fate has ways of making sure something happens and, if you are lucky, she will let you know about it. For example, I was meant to have my daughter at a young age. My first love ended up getting his next girlfriend knocked up and it would have been me if I hadn’t moved away. Yet, the move back to Texas led to another set of adventures that added to the path that got me here today.
Now I keep sitting here thinking that I have this major life decision sitting on my head. It’s something that I can’t shake away because it is so difficult to make. In some instances, it should be very simple and logical. However, it keeps warping into something different and new each time I think about it. Neither option seems to be the right one, yet neither option seems to be the wrong one. Don’t think I have ever had so much trouble with a decision like this. And if I could just decide to stay put and feel that it is the right decision, then I would. But something keeps pulling me the other way, and I am fairly certain that it isn’t the obvious one. But when I think of moving, I get the feeling that later would be best.
I think fate has a plan, I think that I should be in one place or the other, I just wish that I could get a little more insight about which option to pursue. If I have the whole world before me and know that either option is a good one, how do I decide. Think I need to do a little more journey work on this one and hope that the spirits don’t get tired of my questions (though I am sure they will let me know if they do).

February 19, 2002

02.19.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

10:57am:
And the light went out. I am not sure if this is some sign of lacking creativity or ingenuity on my part, but every time I flip a switch these days, the light goes out. I have managed to destroy 4 light bulbs in the past 5 days. Of course, I am sure it is no surprise that light bulbs have a related life span since they were possibly installed at the same time, but it is still enough to catch my attention.

So, now I have to wonder what I am missing. What is out there that I have not taken notice of or what am I lacking ideas for? Kinda hard to figure out since most of my life is back on track and things are moving at a perfectly comfortable pace for now.

Ah-ha, wait a sec, I think figured it out. Recently, the light bulb went on in my head that I should not move to Baltimore until I am done with school. I think that just maybe I need to rethink that idea a little more now.

(yes, I know that is a stretch but I am going with it anyways)

February 11, 2002

02.11.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

11:10am::
Valentine’s Day is this week. What a sappy, mushy holiday. And of course, the world has gotten to my daughter who seems to think that it would be great to get balloons and candy on Valentine’s Day. Add into that, a school party where she gets to bring pointless little pieces of paper to hand out to the other kids. Just to get back more pointless pieces of paper (and maybe a little candy) in return. She will then take those pointless pieces of paper home, give them honored shelf status for a week, browse though them a few times, and then forget about them entirely. What exactly is the purpose of that?
I have always tried to warp the holidays into my own special flavor of fun. For example, instead of wasting a few dollars on pointless pieces of paper, I helped my daughter make individualized bookmarks for each child. It took a couple nights to complete, but at least the kids had something a little shinier and fancier to forget about in a week. I am not sure what we will do this year, but I will think of something.
This year I am also considering what it is that I have against holidays like Valentine’s Day. I guess when you strip away the over commercialized hallmark holiday hype, it is a nice concept. Why not take one day a year to let those special people in your life know that you care. Cause you sure wouldn’t want to do that all the time, yuck. Someone might thing your all sweet and mushy if you did that. So maybe it isn’t such a bad thing. If you have someone special that you want to remind them that you think they are really great or that you like getting to spend time with them, Valentine’s Day can be pretty special. So, I will drop my anti-hallmark-holiday attitude long enough to tell the ones I love that I dig them. But if anyone thinks that I am gonna be all sugary-sappy about the whole thing, they got another thing coming.

February 10, 2002

02.10.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

10:40pm:
I have been slacking in the poi department. To think that I started this hobby in June of 2001 and that I am not much better than I was in July of 2001. I guess it would be better if I could get people together for a weekly jam, but that is proving to be harder all the time. Last year there was initial interest for a bi-weekly lake park spin, but people soon grew weary of the colder weather and busy schedules. And now that I am starting to feel inadequate in the poi department, I have to do something about it. CanĘt be letting a staff spinner come and show me up on poi, now can I? Of course, is it really a competition? Or is it just a source of fun?

February 7, 2002

02.07.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

3:29pm:
Grrr. I have a dense headache today that is making it really difficult to concentrate on anything. It’s one of the bad ones that I can feel soaking into my teeth, tugging at my jaw, and eating into my mind. Ick. One of these days I will learn that it is okay to take drugs when my head hurts. And then I will go the extra step of accepting that it is okay to carry those drugs with me, especially when I know that I might need them. But until then, I will sit with headphones playing Oceania and wait until I can either concentrate or the headache eases up a little bit.
There are some neat things going on this weekend: movie night in Chicago Saturday night and a shamanism workshop on Sunday. And then next weekend will involve entertaining an out-of-state friend and another trip to Chicago. It seems that my schedule is getting back to normal again, events every weekend and having to pick and choose between what I want to do. I like it this way. I was kinda disappointed with the last two weekends because all I did was stay home and get things taken care of (which is a good thing).
My mom is going to be out of town for a few days. I think I will see if I can borrow her house for an evening or two to use her vcr/tv. I think it is about time for me to go to the video store, grab a handful of movies and catch up on what the rest of the world has prolly already seen. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

February 5, 2002

02.05.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

9:03am:
Staring at the ceiling for six hours is not my idea of fun. Tossing and turning, trying to force myself to sleep, is not fun either. I lay there watching the wall, hoping for sleep to take over and it never happens. Then I start thinking about something, anything really. Of course, I start worrying that my thinking is causing me to stay awake. So I stop. I watch the walls some more.

Finally, I give up on that and go back to what I was thinking: costume ideas. Of course, I can’t stop with just a visual idea of a costume. Instead, I have go through every step of purchasing the right materials, setting up the equipment, and putting the costume together. Once I have finished it in my mind, I go on to plan where I could wear it.

So, here I am lying in bed, wishing for sleep, designing up costumes in my head, imaging myself prancing around the desert, and watching the hours pass on the clock. I decide that all the mental excitement from my costume has made it even harder for me to sleep. So I pull out my trusty bucket of black paint and slowly paint every surface of my mind in hopes of getting at least two hours of sleep.

But then I am back to watching the walls. I give up. I decide that it is too late for sleep and still too early to get out of bed. So I get back to my design process and create several new accessories for my costume. Once I get bored with that, I move on to structural planning and make mental notes to ask magorn about a pvc idea I have.

As it always happens, I drift off into sleep with only 30 minutes left before my morning begins. And that 30 minutes is stuffed full of so many dreams that there is no way I can consider the catnap restful. But at least I did learn something: don’t bring home a guy you want to sleep with and then forget about him on the living room floor.

February 4, 2002

02.04.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

5:23pm:
You will always get what you want through your charm and personality. That has to be my new life motto. It is so true (according to a few good friends at least). I guess there are worse things to get by on: money, status, promiscuity.
Life is just great (I’ve recently decided this). School is wonderful. All of my classes balance out nicely and are making for a very enjoyable course load. Other money matters are finally coming together and fixing themselves. I am not swamped with a million commitments. I can space my weekends out and have a nice leisurely approach to life. Things are good! Now if only I can decide what I want to do about this possible move to Baltimore…

February 3, 2002

02.03.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

8:15pm:
Random thoughts…

At the laundry mat, people smile when you toss a large stuffed teddy bear in a dryer full of kids clothes. However, when you take the bear out, ruffle his fur enthusiastically, squeeze him tight in your arms, and then say, “Hey Fuzzie, you look much better,” people give you strange looks.

There will always be a group of people that I will never understand. For example: a mom buys her daughter a $1,100 dress and $500 in accessories for a high school dance (not prom). Same mom also buys a boring long-sleeve shirt for $300 and then takes her daughter to L.A. just to go shopping (buying several things that are prolly in a price range that I can’t even imagine).

My mom works for a store where the clothes are several hundred dollars more than I can ever hope to afford (and that is with the 50% off employee discount). She tells me that people come in all the time and seems to have no problem dropping a thousand dollars at a time. Again, see the above paragraph.

There is something beautiful about a clean car. Especially when it is my car after being covered with the dusty white leftovers of salted winter roads. It is even better when I look around and see how many cars still look grungy. Of course, it will prolly snow tomorrow and need washed again, but that is okay with me.

Today has been one of the most productive days that I have had in a long time. And this whole weekend has been wonderfully productive too. Finally made it to the grocery store and should have enough food for at least two weeks (assuming I feel like cooking and eating leftovers). Wow, this means that I can sleep a few more minutes in the morning since I won’t need to stop at the grocery store before taking Alex to school. This is great!

February 2, 2002

02.02.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

5:51pm:
I am happy to say that I am much calmer today. I decided to come home from the computer lab around 2am; I just didn’t want to be there anymore for some reason. There was some really great music on the radio that was tainted by an annoyingly perky two-in-the-morning voice. When I got home I was motivated to go do laundry and go grocery shopping. However, Ozaukee County is lacking in the 24-hour grocery store department (at least I do not know of any) and I thought it would I should at least try to sleep.
Before falling asleep, I had the fun idea of dressing up in various outfits that I might want to use on a photo shoot some day. I guess looking around michael woodward’s site go me thinking about it. Maybe that photographer I know will get a studio setup at home before I fly out again.
Today, when I stopped to have lunch (because you shouldn’t go grocery shopping on an empty stomach), I saw the highlight of my day. A family of four (Mom, Dad, 2 daughters) was sitting in the booth before mine. The two girls ran off to buy some frozen custard. While they were gone, Dad tenderly wrapped his arm around Mom and she leaned into his chest. As she rested her head on his shoulder, he softly kissed her head and squeezed her closer. I could tell that they were the only two people in the world at that moment. The noises and movements of the restaurant were off in the distance and it was just two lovers sharing a moment in time. She slowly sat up, with a tender smile on her face as she looked into his eyes. Dreamingly, he brushed the back of his fingers down her cheek and then ran them through her hair. No one else seemed to notice this exchange and instead of feeling guilty for invading their privacy I smiled and went back to looking out the window.

February 1, 2002

02.01.2002

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

9:46pm:
The road trip here (campus) was terrible. My car was quiet, the road was empty, and it was already dark out. The only things to keep me company were my thoughts and they were driving me crazy. Nervous jitters ran down my arms and anxiety chewed at my bottom lip. I never realized that I would get this upset about taking a new medication. It even got so bad that I stopped at different drug store just to make sure that I had the right medication (cause part of the label was strange). Once inside, I began pestering the pharmacist with various interactions questions that he seemed surprised to hear. Guess I was really getting close to panic. But I managed to calm down and agreed to wait another 30 minutes before taking it.
It’s just a stupid pill, I keep thinking. What is the big deal? Not like any other medication has ever worried me before. But then again, most other medications don’t mess with your head. So, I have considered the decision to take it several times and with the support/suggestions/reassurance from friends and family, I am gonna go ahead and do it. I feel like such a putz for even making a big deal out of it, but honestly, I’m scared. I don’t know what it will do. I don’t know what it means if it doesn’t help. I don’t know what it means if it does. And I am just so scared of being different because of it (even though I have been told time and again that I won’t change).
I am not feeling quite as panicked now. I have computer screen distraction and homework assignments to work on. Wish I could stop worrying about this. Wish that I could just leave it alone and see what happens without being anxious. But at least I have the motivation to get some schoolwork done because of it (kinda worried I won’t have the creativity to do them later). And I guess all I can do now is see what happens.