spectating participant

January 31, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am


There are moments in time when my mind freezes, all mental activity stops, and I have a cursor blinking at me. The cursor sits there all smug and defiant, taunting me with each flash. A silent mocking of thought, a tease of intelligence, and a whisper that technology will always win.
I don’t know what to do when this happens. Do I just sit here and wait for the moment to pass? Do I try to fill the screen with random letters and word combinations to retaliate? Or do I simply give up and let the persistent strobe of the cursor win?

January 30, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Yuck. I guess that is how I am feeling today. I have basically been in this same mood since Sunday and it is starting to get on my nerves. I have tried various things to get rid of it but nothing has worked. So I guess that I am just stuck with it. At least I was able to do something creative with this mood last night. Feeling like this is so frustrating; I keep thinking that I should be able to just make it go away. The least I can do it keep trying.

January 28, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Every night I get into bed, curl up on my left side, burrow underneath the blanket, and snuggle with Sir Fuzzalot (my teddy bear). It is the most comfortable and relaxing position I know. I get so comfy-cozy that I want to fall asleep. However, I cannot fall asleep in this position, no matter how hard I try. I inevitably always turn over to my back to snooze.

Now, what I don’t understand is how can the most comfortable position I know be impossible to sleep in. How is it that I must lay down in the position just to get tired enough to sleep, yet I have to move out of it to fall asleep. Wouldn’t it make more sense if I fell asleep all warm and snug with my bear?

January 27, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Oh my. What a fun night it has been. I can’t believe that I am still up and typing on this blasted screen. I can’t believe that I have almost everything done that needs to be done. What a night (yes, I am still talking about Saturday night).

I started off the evening with one goal: get xixstar.com v2.0 online. And well I guess I did that. Having completed that task, I had already decided that the back-end side of the site needed to be updated as well. And in normal no-I-don’t-need-to-sleep fashion, I got it done. Not only did I do that, but I also managed to get a few more galleries up too. Wow. I think that qualifies as productive.

Now, the new site design is up and I like it much better than the old one. Hopefully it will be worth it. And I hope nothing major goes wrong today when I finally get to sleep because my hands, wrists, and arms hurt so bad from typing that I will prolly not be able to type anything else for the rest of the day.

However, seeing as how it is morning, maybe I should think about skipping sleep. I am really not tired and I do have that paper to write for my advanced writing class. And I am still waiting to hear back from my mom to see if I can take a “writing for information technologies” class on Monday nights. That would be a pretty good class to have.

Well I still don’t know what I am going to do, prolly just hang around here until I get a paper written. And who knows, I might see something else that needs fixed. Or, I could get started on that web page that my mom wants me to make for her. Yeah, that sounds like the best plan. She has been asking for a site for so long and it looks like I have the time to do it now so I will take advantage of it.

January 26, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I am lying in bed, having lost the argument to clean house (because later is so much easier to plan for), reading a rather depressing and energy consuming book. I have been reading this book for weeks now and still haven’t finished it. I let it fall down on next to the couch for days on in with no interest in ever picking it back up. But the fact that I cannot leave a book unfinished drives me to pick it back up and start reading again. So this morning, in my arguments against cleaning, I decided to finish the book once and for all.

So I am lying there, comfy under my blankets and with my pillow and teddy bear, reading about this miserable girl who has run off to London to escape the misery of her life only to be unhappy there too. I am tired of reading about her sad life and I really want to move on to something else (but I know that something else is cleaning so I keep reading) and the idea hits me: I still want to go to Amsterdam.

I am lying there with a sudden burst of energy, flipping through my mental rolodex of all possible trip companions. After exhausting all friend possibilities, because they have normal lives that they can’t just run away from, I realize that my mom could go with me. Without further thought, I leap out of bed and rush off to the phone, happy to think that I might actually get what I want. Of course all plans of hanging out with the other burners that are going have prolly been cancelled out by the fact that my mom wouldn’t be as adventurous or as social, and I ignore the fact that her company changes the entire sleeping arrangements that would have to be made. I pick up the phone to start making real plans and prepare the best sales pitch that I have ever delivered.

And then it dawns on me. I already have company for this trip and someone that would really love to share that first visit excitement with me. But they just can’t go right now. Not that they don’t want to do, they just can’t. My finger freezes in mid-dial as I ponder this idea even further. And slowly I set the phone down, realizing that it was prolly going to be impossible to talk my mom into the trip and that it was prolly not going to be the same if she went as compared to when everyone else is going. And the biggest reason I drop the idea is fact that I do want my friend’s company on this trip. So I am left facing the realization that I will just have to be patient and wait for it to happen.

January 24, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

It is beginning to look like normal around here. School is back to normal and I am enjoying my classes so far. I think I will add a couple more to my schedule as soon as I drop a couple. But I am not in any big rush. Since I am still planning to move in a few months I don’t want to end up with a bunch of credits that won’t transfer. Of course, at the same time, I might as well get a semester’s money’s worth since it is the same price for 12 credits as it is for 18 credits. Other than school stuff, everything is kinda slow and boring right now. Hopefully it will pick back up soon.

January 23, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

The new page design is almost complete. I think that I should have it up sometime this week, I hope. The new gallery is also complete and is just waiting for me to get the front pages finished before I put it online. So basically, I have been working on this site almost constantly and exclusively and am trying to fit getting back into the swing of school in the middle of it. I have some writing to catch up on, like commentary about my trip to Baltimore, but it will have to wait.

January 8, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

I used to have someone that I could talk to if anything ever came up that I wanted to talk about. It was great, they were almost always available and would listen to me drone on for hours at a time and not make fun of anything I had to say or make me think that I was crazy. But what I don’t understand now is that I don’t know who they were or how I lost them.

Of course, how can I not know who it was? Isn’t that something that a person remembers? Seesh, some days I feel like I am lucky if I remember to put clothes on before I leave the house. Who knows, maybe I have never had a person around like that. Maybe it was all just part of my imagination and I spent all that time talking to myself. It wouldn’t surprise me.

It is getting to the point that it would be nice to have that person back again. At least today, right now in fact. A good kick in the ass would prolly be a major bonus at this point. It really sucks when you can feel yourself hitting a slump and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I have sat here and tried everything I can think of to ’snap out of it’ and just let it pass. But it ain’t working. Even my normal little perks that I get all excited about are not working either. Damn. This sucks. I guess I just got to figure out a way to get over it or remember who I used to talk to about everything (psst. if you know who you are, please email me and remind me).

My charlie-brown-christmas-tree is still slouching in the corner of my living room. This wasn’t even an attractive tree with the holiday excitement in the air. Now, with the holidays passed and tomorrow temperatures forecasted at 50 degrees, it is just pitiful and ugly. But how do I convince a six-year-old that it is time to take it down, especially a child who adores the tree. Alex spends her evenings with her camera (sans film and batteries) taking pictures of her beloved tree. She walks around the room searching out the perfect angles and in her eyes I see a familiar concentration.

In children you can find the purest and simplest enjoyment of life. They need not work or search to find the beauty that exists in the morning dew droplets or in the inviting comfort of mud. I watch Alex’s face as we take a walk in the park and just enjoy the internal excitement that glows on her cheeks. What I love even more is knowing that it is possible to posses those same qualities and feelings now. Just like the arm-hair-prickling that I get when I watch the morning sunlight scattered across the rippled surface of Lake Michigan. Same as the relaxed sigh when you feel that late summer breeze, tainted with the smell of cut grass, brushing the back of your neck. But what I would give to se the world with child-awe all of the time.

Winter hasn’t been what I expected it to be. Where are the snow banks, icicles, and cutting wind-chills? Where are the lazy afternoons spent on a small, crowded ice rink? When do I get to test out the hill behind my house on a makeshift sled? Was that partial dusting of snow following the winter solstice all we are going to have? If this is the case, maybe I need to move further north and to the east side of one of the great lakes.

January 7, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Watching snow flurries melt as they pass through the steam above my apply cider is neat.

U-turns on bright, wintry mornings, in the middle of late-morning rush hour is not as difficult as I thought it would be.

Being able to drive from South Milwaukee to Mequon to the East Side Milwaukee in only an hour should not be possible. However, this morning it was.

Had a dream that I couldn’t buy any kerosene. Everyone at the store counters kept telling me it was because I was already on fire and it wouldn’t be safe. But everytime I looked at myself I wasn’t on fire. I got really mad, yelled at the clerks that they just didn’t like me because I lived in Wisconsin, and stormed out into the parking lot. Once there, a pixie flew up and told me that I should follow her if I wanted some kero-soaked coffee. Got mad at her because I wasn’t thirsty and drove home to paint with watercolors.

I wanted to take a really long road trip this morning. As I was dropping my angel off at school, the thought crossed my mind that I could just drive somewhere, anywhere, for hours on end and be back in time to pick her up. I almost turned south and went to Chicago, but I decided that I wanted to work more than drive, so I went north and parked my car. Starting to think that I turned the wrong way.

I think I should start adding time entries too my journal if I keep updating it more than once a day.

Going out to lunch in order to not pay 50 cents to the parking meter does not actually save money!

January 6, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

Sulking, pouting, controlling, manipulating behaviors don’t fly with me. Although I know that I have used them in the past and that I do occasionally slip back into old habits, I can’t stand those tactics used against me. If you wanna get my attention or have something you wanna discuss, then come right out and talk about it. Trying to make me feel bad or guilty is not the way to do it. No longer do I base my moods on someone else. If your whole purpose is to drag me down with you then you are wasting your time. The most that it will do is invite me to leave and let you enjoy your sulking alone. I won’t tolerate actions that place me in a position that I should apologize or that I should compromise my personality in order to make someone else happy. No, sorry, won’t do it. If you want to control someone with emotional manipulation, go somewhere else.

January 4, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

The light bulb finally went on in my head last night. It was so simple: all I had to do was actually open my mouth and start talking about all the things that have been skittering underneath the surface for the past few days. I guess my new miracle talking cure is: hair done in braided pigtails, twelve hours before a computer screen, a slightly annoying headache, and a desire to do crossword puzzles. Add that in with the restless pacing in the living room, the skittering motions to freak out the cat, and a crappy dinner and it was the perfect recipe to finally talk. Amazing how nice it was sitting there and thinking “I can finally fix this” and knowing that as long as I continued to speak what was on my mind and didn’t let my “fix-everyone else” attitude come into play everything would slowly get better.

So I feel a million times better. Not stressing over things that I felt were beyond my control. Not dancing the downward spiral any longer. Not to sure if I am heading up just yet, but at least I am stopped moving down. Now I am back on that ever-wonderful life quest to figure out exactly what I want in life. Actually, I don’t even want to look for that, right now I just want to kick back, make some peanut blossom cookies and enjoy things as they are. Perhaps, just maybe, things will work out on their own like they are supposed to.

Gonna give that manic-spontaneous side of myself a mini-vacation. I think it went far enough to warrant a little breather. And as soon as I am back up to the challenge, I will jump right back into life where I left off. But until then, I plan to be nose deep in unix and oblivious to the social constructions of my life. Now as long as I don’t pack my bags and move to Maryland in the next few weeks, all will be well.

January 3, 2002


Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:00 am

What is it about certain times of year that turn everything upside down? Or maybe, what is it about having time run smoothly, flowing past days and weeks without instance, and all a sudden hitting that unexpected waterfall? Just when I get to thinking that life is settling again and I kick up my feet, it gets all shook up. So, here I am, standing in the middle of the stream, watching the waves crash into my legs and I am not really sure where I should go. Is this just normal life for me? Will things always run like this? Must I always make everything harder than it seems?

Well I guess I can’t complain that my life isn’t interesting. But I think I would prefer things to run a little more smoothly. That might make decisions a little easier and just might make existence a little more peaceful. Actually, I know that things are easier than what I think they are, I am just making it harder than it should be. Just doing the things that I think I should would make my life better. Ah, but then I question my decisions, my motivations, and possible outcomes. Damn, thought I had gotten past this stage in my life. Think again.

8:19pm: Why do I have to be so childish at times? Really, what purpose does it serve? Doesn’t get me anything I want and just looks really stupid in the process. Grrr. You think I would eventually not let such minor things bother me. And in the entire process I end up madder at myself than anything because of the way I acted. Grow up already girlie.