spectating participant

May 27, 2000

older entry

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 12:25 pm

When you have all of these dreams, visions, ideas, and desires inside your mind, they have to come out. Maybe some people have an organized method to release everything they want to say, but not me. It is just there and it doesnít come out until I feel that my mind will burst. There is so much happening in my life. I missed the exit sign that I should have taken and now things are off track. I just donít know where I am headed. I know what I want but it is this giant star out in space and I keep losing my telescope. When does trivial tasks and mindless comments become a dull ax chipping away at the interior. When did I drop my glasses and forget to look down. Are my feet still on the ground? Am I anywhere near the Earth or did I jump too far and fly off.

I just want to be able to say that things are on the way to being right. I want to be able to see what is mine and where to let go. My house has walls that seem to be filling with water. Am I drowning or am I the water? Uncertainty is torture for me. To not know where I stand or where I will fall turns me into frayed wires with the sparks blinding my eyes. I run and run in circles but cannot find where I started or where I should stop. Constantly in motion, moving somewhere and getting no where.

Are we always meant to search this path alone? Will there always be the uncertainty of choices that could end everything that we are currently living. Change has always been a personal issue for me because it is something I cannot control or predict. It feels like everything is in the process of changing right now. My work has changes and soon I will be changing jobs all together. In fall school starts and I will be working to maintain my standard of achievement with a heavy course load. I will be working less so that I can go to school and I do not know if I will be able to provide for my angel and I. I simply have faith in life that it will happen. But how safe can you feel relying on faith? So much of this change depends on one thing remaining constant, my living arrangements. And now I feel as though a change is just now beginning. This is one change that I fear the most because it is the one thing I need to remain familiar. But I can see that I am changing as the days pass. I find myself not recognizing my reflection in store windows. My hands feel foreign and my words sound strange. My thoughts have strayed and I canít stop it. Some ideas will simply cause too much damage but I canít seem to keep them away. Then I am left with the tension these ideas bring. To speak would force a change that I am not sure I can deal and that I do not want but I do not know how long I can survive in silence. I want to do what is best overall but will sacrificing my mentality cost me everything I am working for. Is there a way to get everything I need without disrupting my life? How long can I last? Will it be long enough? I hope so.