spectating participant


August 30, 1999

August 30, 1999

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:28 pm

Life keeps moving, it will never stop. This is a rather simple statement that most everyone would agree to. But why is that we all believe that it will never stop? Why is it that there is no pause button? No release switch you can flip just until you are standing on your feet again. If there has been on reoccurring wish since I was a child (which many would agree that I am still a child) it was that I could stop time. Just put everything off and tell everything to wait. To have to cars stop moving, have time stop fleeing, to have everything the same, perfectly still. Now, I know this will never happen and no matter how much wishing I do, time will never come to an end. So what else can I do to just get to world to wait for me?

I always feel like there is so much more that I can get done in a day, if I just wake up earlier and stay up later, I can do just one or maybe two, if I am lucky three more things. But wait, why is it I have these visions but I never act on them. I make so many plans, plans that would work just great with all of the thought I have put into them, but the willpower is never there. Is it that I am lazy. With all of my complicated schemes only one has ever happened. What will get me moving again?

As far back as I can remember I have been a planner. I can think up the craziest ideas and give them so much thought that I have every single detail and possible problem explored and solved. What a great skill to have, I can plan almost anything. But getting myself to act on what I plan is a problem. I am not sure what it is that I fear, what it is that holds me back. I know it has to be fear, what else could do it other than laziness. I refuse to admit that I am lazy, even though that could very well be the true answer.

The one time that I did act on my plan was a few months ago. Actually it was farther back than that. It began a bit before Christmas 1998. I knew that I was not happy where I was and finally decided to do something about it; I decided to leave where I was. Now leaving sounds to be easy enough in itself. And I bet it could be if you had the right conditions to leave in. But I was over a thousand miles from my family; those I knew would help me. Also, there was the fact that I was too proud to accept help. I was eighteen at the time and the mother to a wonderful three-year-old angel and wife to her father. Complicated things a little bit.