spectating participant

August 25, 1999

August 25, 1999

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:19 pm

Day one. Things seem amiss right now. Not working is starting to drive me crazy. I know that it has only been a few short days but it is still stressful. I am still aggregated about the Monday’s interview being canceled Monday. It was supposed to be rescheduled for today, but I have received no such call. Yesterday I called the agency I found the job through and this morning I contacted the lady I met Monday. She informs me that I will have to go through the agency to setup another interview and that he should be calling me today. Do they think that I have no such life that I can just drop everything at a seconds notice to run out there for an interview? I got a call from Milwaukee PC looking to hire me, but they wanted me to work weekends. That will not work out because finding childcare on the weekends is a pain. Plus I want this job I am trying to interview for. It is amazing, for a change I know what I want. This job does not sound too wonderful or anything, it is simply the hours I want and pay that I can use. So I shall wait and give the fellar another call this afternoon.

Things also do not feel right because my honey is out of town. He will finally return tonight but I still miss having him around. It wasn’t as nice as I thought it would be to have the house to myself. It seemed just a little to quiet. Plus not getting to talk to him is a pain as well. Since I have class on Mondays and Tuesdays now it kinda interferes with communication. But he will be home tonight, I shall keep reminding myself of that. I wonder about our relationship at times. I know that I have found one of the greatest guys in the world. He will never see how wonderful he is and I don’t think I can ever show him either. I always feel that I am not good enough, that he needs and wants better, and that this is all my imagination that someone such as him would have me. Sadly, I think this is true. I think no matter what I do to keep him that he will leave. This is not just my normal fear that everyone leaves, but that I am not in his heart. That I am not the one that he sees in his future, that I am not the one he wished to be with all the time. Maybe it is that I set my standards to high, maybe I expect to much. If one thinks happiness is too much to ask for. And I know how important happiness is, I have come a long way to find it. And now that I have it I cannot shake off the feeling that it will fade and soon come to an end.

Yesterday on the way home from work I started really thinking about the nearish future and whether or not I will still be with him. I have even gone so far as to ask him what I can do that would make him want to stay with me. But there I find a problem. Why change, if I am not what he wants in the first place, why work so hard to be whom he doesn’t need. The fact that I love him cannot be the only reasoning for trying so hard. Staying with one you do not truly love is self-destructive. I know that all too well. Why would I want him to go through that as well? It is not that you cannot live together and even be outwardly happy, it is that inside you are lost. Knowing that there may be that perfect person out there for you and knowing you are missing the chance to find them by settling for what you have builds up over time. Worries over upsetting the other person and general distress related to leaving can make you stay when you know you shouldn’t. I would rather avoid that situation all together. If only there was some way I could get him to figure out what he truly wants. but even that can be hard to do. I figured out what I wanted and it got me here, now I need to think on that some more.