spectating participant

August 30, 1999

August 30, 1999

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:28 pm

Life keeps moving, it will never stop. This is a rather simple statement that most everyone would agree to. But why is that we all believe that it will never stop? Why is it that there is no pause button? No release switch you can flip just until you are standing on your feet again. If there has been on reoccurring wish since I was a child (which many would agree that I am still a child) it was that I could stop time. Just put everything off and tell everything to wait. To have to cars stop moving, have time stop fleeing, to have everything the same, perfectly still. Now, I know this will never happen and no matter how much wishing I do, time will never come to an end. So what else can I do to just get to world to wait for me?

I always feel like there is so much more that I can get done in a day, if I just wake up earlier and stay up later, I can do just one or maybe two, if I am lucky three more things. But wait, why is it I have these visions but I never act on them. I make so many plans, plans that would work just great with all of the thought I have put into them, but the willpower is never there. Is it that I am lazy. With all of my complicated schemes only one has ever happened. What will get me moving again?

As far back as I can remember I have been a planner. I can think up the craziest ideas and give them so much thought that I have every single detail and possible problem explored and solved. What a great skill to have, I can plan almost anything. But getting myself to act on what I plan is a problem. I am not sure what it is that I fear, what it is that holds me back. I know it has to be fear, what else could do it other than laziness. I refuse to admit that I am lazy, even though that could very well be the true answer.

The one time that I did act on my plan was a few months ago. Actually it was farther back than that. It began a bit before Christmas 1998. I knew that I was not happy where I was and finally decided to do something about it; I decided to leave where I was. Now leaving sounds to be easy enough in itself. And I bet it could be if you had the right conditions to leave in. But I was over a thousand miles from my family; those I knew would help me. Also, there was the fact that I was too proud to accept help. I was eighteen at the time and the mother to a wonderful three-year-old angel and wife to her father. Complicated things a little bit.

August 25, 1999

August 25, 1999

Filed under: unlisted — suzanne henderson @ 6:19 pm

Day one. Things seem amiss right now. Not working is starting to drive me crazy. I know that it has only been a few short days but it is still stressful. I am still aggregated about the Monday’s interview being canceled Monday. It was supposed to be rescheduled for today, but I have received no such call. Yesterday I called the agency I found the job through and this morning I contacted the lady I met Monday. She informs me that I will have to go through the agency to setup another interview and that he should be calling me today. Do they think that I have no such life that I can just drop everything at a seconds notice to run out there for an interview? I got a call from Milwaukee PC looking to hire me, but they wanted me to work weekends. That will not work out because finding childcare on the weekends is a pain. Plus I want this job I am trying to interview for. It is amazing, for a change I know what I want. This job does not sound too wonderful or anything, it is simply the hours I want and pay that I can use. So I shall wait and give the fellar another call this afternoon.

Things also do not feel right because my honey is out of town. He will finally return tonight but I still miss having him around. It wasn’t as nice as I thought it would be to have the house to myself. It seemed just a little to quiet. Plus not getting to talk to him is a pain as well. Since I have class on Mondays and Tuesdays now it kinda interferes with communication. But he will be home tonight, I shall keep reminding myself of that. I wonder about our relationship at times. I know that I have found one of the greatest guys in the world. He will never see how wonderful he is and I don’t think I can ever show him either. I always feel that I am not good enough, that he needs and wants better, and that this is all my imagination that someone such as him would have me. Sadly, I think this is true. I think no matter what I do to keep him that he will leave. This is not just my normal fear that everyone leaves, but that I am not in his heart. That I am not the one that he sees in his future, that I am not the one he wished to be with all the time. Maybe it is that I set my standards to high, maybe I expect to much. If one thinks happiness is too much to ask for. And I know how important happiness is, I have come a long way to find it. And now that I have it I cannot shake off the feeling that it will fade and soon come to an end.

Yesterday on the way home from work I started really thinking about the nearish future and whether or not I will still be with him. I have even gone so far as to ask him what I can do that would make him want to stay with me. But there I find a problem. Why change, if I am not what he wants in the first place, why work so hard to be whom he doesn’t need. The fact that I love him cannot be the only reasoning for trying so hard. Staying with one you do not truly love is self-destructive. I know that all too well. Why would I want him to go through that as well? It is not that you cannot live together and even be outwardly happy, it is that inside you are lost. Knowing that there may be that perfect person out there for you and knowing you are missing the chance to find them by settling for what you have builds up over time. Worries over upsetting the other person and general distress related to leaving can make you stay when you know you shouldn’t. I would rather avoid that situation all together. If only there was some way I could get him to figure out what he truly wants. but even that can be hard to do. I figured out what I wanted and it got me here, now I need to think on that some more.