another typical new year's post? perhaps. This past year has been filled with so many changes, filled with so much happiness and sadness and countless changes. In a sense, I feel too exhausted to be optimistic and energetic about starting another year. Missing is the hope that this year might be different, instead there is the honest realization that my life will always cycle and repeat and all I can do is hope to improve my reactions to it.
Last night I rolled from happy and down, unable to decide where I was at as the year ended and I tried to decide how to conclude yet another annual chapter of life. Someone told me that the new year is all about starting fresh and not about looking back, but that is the line (or lie?) that I've been feeding myself for so long that I can't choke it down anymore. Or maybe it is just today, these last few days, that have made it hard to let go of the things that I feel I lost last year.
But even with feeling like I've lost some things, I know that I have found home this year. I am surrounded with friends that are close enough to call family. That alone is worth so much, amazing and comforting. I've found a place to live that I've simply melted into, a place where I can breathe. Alex has her own space and is surrounded by people who love and care about her, something that she really needs. Even when the world seemed to be falling apart again and again this year, so many things have come together for me.
And now it is time for another year, wonder what it shall bring, maybe a little milder selection that this year past.