I'm reading I Tell You Now: Autobiographical Essays by Native American Writers. I'm amazed at the number of writers claiming their indian identity but having very little 'indianess' or any strong cultural ties to define them as such. A writer mentioned how easy it is to hide behind the light skin and the white label, to forget the heritage that is fading away with history. For once, I feel like maybe there is space for me to still say that yes, I am indian, and perhaps give meaning to its shallow label.
One writer discusses how her identity came to her through a strong connection to earth and nature and the balance in the world. And while her native blood was small in percentage and held little influence in her upbringing, it spoke loudly from the trees and grasses as she aged. Perhaps that is where my connection lies, while I can't say that I have a tradition I can hold on to, turn to, pass on to Alex, I can turn bright the treasure of life that speaks loudly day and night.
The stories in this book are faint reminders of my grandfather on his back porch and the old men that would come to visit. They'd sit on the back porch and tell stories broken with laughter, coffee and cigarettes. My grandpa's face, colored dark and deep with lines, smiling dark eyes, and his pale cowboy hat. The writers talked about time spent sitting, people spending their lives outside, times too hot to be indoors, humid Oklahoma summers swatting at flies, and I remember sitting out back with grandpa's dark hands reaching for his tobacco.
My momma tells me stories of heading to the stomp dances, telling how grandma and my uncles had to stay out of the circles because they were white, or too white, while she and my aunt were indian enough to go with grandpa into the circles. She has told me other snippets of stories, but nothing that stuck, nothing I can hold to now.
The stories in this book give me some hope that I can claim a portion of identity and can feel comfortable being something more that a check mark on paperwork. And maybe, I can give some of that to the curly, blonde haired child too.